First post in the depression group! Let's tell our stories, eh?

As I posted on the front page, I've suffered from depression most of my adult life. I wouldn't have quite classified it as such (since i felt I was just being over dramatic) until I was in the middle of my divorce when I was 25. I got it mostly under control, or at least stuffed for a few years.

A couple of years ago, I had my first try at shrooms. A quick summary would be to say it stirs up any baggage you didn't know you were packing. I started a major downward spiral that really very seriously crested with my post partum depression a little over a year later. My recovery has felt like a rollercoaster ride from hell... in some ways, getting better is harder than just staying sick. The ups & downs of recovery are intense.

At this point, my son is nearly a year old (*ulp!*), and I finally feel like I'm getting some control back over my life. I'm currently on Zoloft & Welbutrin, and it seems to work pretty well for me. I'm in psychoanalysis, which is a bit more in depth & intensive than traditional talk therapy. I see my shrink 4 days a week, and we mostly work on reprogramming all of the faulty thought processes set in place by my upbringing. It's great.

So... who are you guys? Please share as much or as little as you're comfortable. I would love for this T|A group to be a good source of support... it's hard to find out there! Myself, I love being able to offer some insight with those who might be a little too deep to see it themselves. I like to help if I can.

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I am not being ignorant, but I will post later.


take care

george
Hi Wendy. I'm Michael (or Mikey as my friends always seem to end up calling me) and I live in Texas, just outside of north of Dallas in the 'burbs. I have to agree--I've been looking for a group like this for a while and I think it can be quite helpful. I have had a therapist and enjoyed sharing with him, but did not go as far to share my non-religious views. Most people simply can not understand, so I see little point in wasting time. Maybe I am wrong to do so, but I don't think so. I'd be more inclined to talk to a brick wall. :-)

But on the other hand, depression and the ill's of the world can be difficult to take when you don't believe have a god to "give your problems up to." The main things that trigger my depression are the truths of what we humans are doing to this planet and to ourselves and our neighbors. Pollution, Greed, Hatred, Hypocrisy, Ignorance, Stupidity, Close Mindedness....those are the general things. I could give example after example, but I'm thinking just about any atheist or agnostic would already know what I mean. I love to watch documentaries on PBS but the more I watch, the more sad I get and the less faith in human kind I have.

We humans have learned only one thing from the past, and that is that we learn nothing from the past. Things only tend to get better waaaaaay after its too late and disaster is upon us. Even then, we tend to forget what we learn, soon after the dust settles. Life isn't easy....so I understand why and how so many keep falling into the same pitfall. But given the fact that change usually ocurrs after its too late, I have a rather gloomy outlook on the fate of man kind and the world. Its a big source of my depression and is quite difficult to ignore. I often wonder how many other atheists have similar issues, or if its all just an effect of my depression.

That's enough for now. I did a lot of work around the house today and I'm pooped! --Mikey
Mikey-

I understand completely. I can't watch TV because I become angrier and more depressed. I can't read anything about current events, let alone a newspaper or website. Human beings generally make me even more sad.

By schooling I am a biological anthropologist and I study evolution and primate behavior. Animals and theoretical physics have become my ties to this world and the universe. My husband is pretty much my only tie to the human world.

I look forward to talking with you, and it is nice to find someone who suffers from the existential depression as I do.

Take care-
Sarah
I have struggled with depression since I was about eight. Panic attacks started when I was about 17. My first critically serious depression hit when I was 14, and by the time I was 18 or 19 (it never went away) I had not left my dad's basement in 18 months. I was psychotic and then the panic attacks hit. Sorry for all the time guesses, but I don't remember most of my life.

I started on meds after my father's friend demanded I see someone. I've been on them ever since (I'm 33). I have been on literally every medication, and I've had exactly two and one half years during which I was depression free. Those years ended when I was 29 and I have been in a pit ever since. I have been on almost every medication there is, bar the three newest that have been released.

I had 16 ECT treatments this spring, six unilateral and ten bilateral. I currently take Anafranil, Remeron, trazodone, prazosin, Valium and something else I'm blanking on right now. I can't even keep them straight anymore. The ECT did not work, and it looks like I'm going back to the hospital for a long-term stay if my family can help with the finances. Insurance doesn't cover a three month stay. I have been on disability since 18 with only a short time off it.

I am struggling greatly right now, and my wonderful husband doesn't even make it go away. I think I've lived this long because of him, actually, I'm sure of it. I have a good life, but not such a great head. My memory and concentration has been destroyed by the depression, meds and ECT. Since the ECT, I can, however, read again. Last night I researched psychosurgery, if that tells you how desperate I have become. The only thing I have left of my original self though is my intelligence, and I don't want to give it away.

Sorry for rambling. That's my story.
I get a lot of this Sarah.. great bits of your story.. I can relate,. I'm glad you're here. I hope you'll post often. I bet we could write a whole book huh?
Community is an important aspect to just about all of mankind's steps along the journey.
Boy I know 1st time moms tend to thrive on "war stories"... talking about labor and delivery. Try using this group as your community, if even just for a while.
Let me know if there's something I can do. Being a squeeky wheel gets the cheese? something like that.
Good Ramble, well done.
I've always been a little dark. That is to say that I enjoyed The Crow more than most people that I knew and strongly prefered being awake at night versus during the day. It seems like it has only been in the last six years or so that these dark inclinations became pervading feelings of hopelessness and occasional suicidal fantasies. I have spoken to therapists, but I never felt like it helped (of course how could I know when nothing feels right?). Out of those last six years, I have been unemployed more than three as a direct result of these feelings. Virtually all of my relationships hover over ending poorly, if they have not already and I dearly miss some of those that I have lost.

It does give me some strength to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
David,
I am seeing a therapist who helps me find strategies to get past the dark or anxious moments that I have, but the part that has helped me the most is the right combination of meds to get my brain chemistry in balance. Have you tried medications?
No I haven't. I don't trust myself to stick to a medication like you are supposed to and I have no idea how I would acquire them.
I typed up half a page and then I did what I always do when I try to start from the beginning...I deleted it. I'm tried of telling my story and I know it's not fair to those here but every time I tell it I feel like I get a little more numb. Short version is that I trust no one, my self esteem is very low, and I have stopped taking my Zoloft because it makes me feel like a puppet.

The medicine did work but it can only work so much, I'm tired of just letting roll off of me because it still hurts, I just can pretend to be better while taking my medicine. I can't afford the doctor's office or a therapist so I have to find out what works for me by myself. I had to stop believing in a god because my thoughts are so destructive. No matter what I do I can't feel better about myself. I am way past the point of why bother. Chemicals/drugs have shown to be the only things that can make life bearable.

I got married thinking that it would solve my self esteem problem...well it just created more problems. I'm 30 now. I've been married for ten years and I have three kids. My...defects effect how I interact with everything and that's why I feel that I have done worse by being here. I've been dealing with these feelings for fifteen years. They have been getting worse every year. My poetry helps release some of the pressure but now even that is not enough. I'm just floating until my arms get tired.

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