I thought I posted this once but it doens't show up that I could see, sorry if you read through this all before.

Three years ago they found cancer in both of my wife's (now 52) breasts, after the mastectomy and chemo treatment we thought we were in the clear and reay to go on with life.  A year later the second shoe dropped and the cancer was found in her bones; spine, pelvis, rib, skull.  According to her oncologist this is a chronic condition like diabetes.  They cannot cure it but they can keep it under control, until they can't. 

It is hard to find any support out there for cancer families or me as a caregiver that is not a bunch of simple minded theists offering their prayers for us.  I tell them that when they are talking to their God ask him why he gave her cancer in the first place. 

 

To make matters worse I did have a group at our local Gilda's Club for friends and family of cancer 'survivors' that was ok.  It was a couple of us husbands who were able to understand each others frustrations and voice the anger we don't feel we can voice in the outside world.  However that group was hi-jacked by a bunch of bible thumping wackos.  The last meeting I thought I was at a Pentecostal prayer group.  Now I don't feel like that is a welcome place for me anymore and probably won't go back.  Which leaves me with exactly zero places to go for any support.  I am hoping that there are reasonable people here who are dealing with this and can help me through this without falling back on their magic man in the sky.

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Mike, I am so sorry to hear that. I'm going through something similar with my Mom. I keep saying there is no comfort in science, like there is in religion. But I have come to realize that believing in a god doesn't really comfort me either and I've stopped foolishly crying and praying to something that doesn't exist.

I have found that at times I am proud of myself for having the strength do deal with it. Because I am doing it on my own. However, I'm sure you feel the same, that there are times when you are weak. It is OK to feel that way too.

 

I haven't been a member of Think Atheist forum for long but it is a great site and the people here are great.

 

I too find it harder to deal with the situation when a bunch of hypocritical bible thumping wackos try to pretend that they care. Makes we want to just punch them.  Just rubs salt in the wounds.

 

Stay strong, and take care.

 

 

This is the place Mike. We're all here because we have/had cancer or love someone who has/had cancer. We all know the anger and frustration that can hit, come on here and vent. No space pixies here.

 

Kat

I would probably rip a Christian's head off if I needed support and they started shoving Jesus in my face. How did you keep your cool?

I just got real quiet which is my typical response to boiling anger.  I wanted to do so much, from screaming at them how f**ing stupid and inconsistent their beliefs are to just getting up and walking out with some derisive remark about being at a prayer meeting.  My big question is if they are so sure that their great and wonderful Oz is going to fix their Mother/friend why the hell are they here, what do they need support for?  Also given how active she was in her church before last week when they found the cancer how did she even get cancer while under the protective care of the almighty Oz.

That's what I want too. 

So we just went through our quarterly scans.  This time it wasn't so good.  They found two new bone lesions and some spots on her liver that they aren't sure about.  That means this stage of treatment is done and time to move on to the next one.  If the liver isn't cancer it will be another hormone therapy, but one that isn't as effective as the first one.  She will probably only be on it another year.  Then it will be on to an oral chemo drug.  If the spots on her liver are cancer we are moving on directly to the chemo pilll.  Dr says she know of people on the chemo drug for 10+ years.  That is the best case scenario I guess.  It is hard to sell my wife on the best case scenario when everything that has happen since this whole mess started.  She was suppose to stay on the first drug for a couple of years, and only made one.

How do I stay positive and convince her that things will work out when everything that can go wrong has gone wrong.  What can I say to convince her that at some point our luck will change and things will be as good as possible instead of as bad as it could be?  What can I say to convince her that she will see our 12 year old grow up.

When I post this plea on other sites, cancer sites I get all the typical we will pray for you crap.  I know it is meant well and I don't want to yell at the kind ladies wishng me the best.  What I really want to do is tell them that when they pray for us ask the SOB why he gave her cancer in the first place.  I want them to ask him what the ransom is for my wife's health, how many people praying will it take for him to cure my wife.  How much is he holding out for?  If you can't answer these questions then maybe your God isn't as much a hot shit as you think he is.  Even if he did exist it proves on a daily basis that he isn't what they teach you in church school.

@ Mike - I honestly don't know what to tell you. It sounds to me like you and your wife are smack dab in the middle of a horrible on-going nightmare.

I had a cousin that passed away from cancer, a year ago, at age 43. She was a very devout Christian and left a husband and three young children behind (one was only 5 or 6 years old).

My cousin's sister, who she was very close to, now tells me she is furious with God and is afraid he will not let her into heaven because of her anger with him. I told her the concept of there even being a God was getting harder and harder for me to stomach (which was not the truth since I really don't believe in God at all, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her that under the circumstances).

I cannot say for certain what I would do if I were in your situation, but I feel I would just look anybody in the eye that said anything about praying or about God in terms of getting me and my spouse through the ordeal of the nightmare of cancer, that I have decided that no all-powerful God would put my spouse through this, no less even worse things that happen to people all of the time. Perhaps it would be best to let your anger roll on out. Who could fault you for that, under the circumstances?

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