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Comment by Paula on September 23, 2013 at 10:28am

Oh! and if you want to get in touch with me, here is my daughter's caringbridge site:  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/helenaduntley

Comment by Paula on September 23, 2013 at 10:26am

I wanted to put my story out there online just in case there is another mom who needs to know that they are not alone.  My daughter (age 7 at the time) was diagnosed with stage 3 Wilm's tumor in June 2012.  She completed treatment in January 2013 and is doing great.  However, most of the support forums online are populated by very religious people.  I am an atheist, and it has been difficult to relate to other people who trust that it is "god's will" to give a child cancer, and that whatever happens they should just accept it as a part of his plan.  I do NOT believe this of course, and if there is anyone else out there who is having a similar experience, I wanted them to know that I understand what they are going through.

Comment by Mike on September 15, 2013 at 1:57pm

Here is my dilemma.  My sister in law was the only help I got in taking care of my wife.  For the last couple of weeks she came to the house and spent the day with her while I was at work.  She is a very nice person but she is a born again christian.  Her husband was a pastor at a born again church before being retired.  It seems the born again church wants to start being christian by helping people instead of being born again, meaning identifying yourself by your racism and homophobia. 

I asked her a couple weeks ago what they talked about while I was at work.  It seems like her time with her sister was more positive than my time with my wife.  I feel like I 'did' for my wife while she was able to talk to her and spend time with her.  She wants to get together to talk about it.  Her and her husband and me and my son go out to eat.  I am afraid they will throw a whole bunch of god shit at me at this meeting.  I don't want to fight.  I have never declared myself atheist but I have never faked a faith message.  Like Amanda I just kind of smile and ignore the 'blessings' and pray for you comments.  I just don't think I can be proselytized to or take a whole bunch of "in Gods hands" nonsense.

Comment by Mike on September 14, 2013 at 9:07pm

Welcome Amanda .   Sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I am not the person with cancer that brought me to this group.  I was the husband of a woman who fought breast cancer for 4 1/2 years.  You probably don't want to hear this and I am sorry to bring it up but she lost that battle 12 weeks ago tomorrow, Sunday.

One of the hard parts to dealing with this is all the "our prayers are with you." nonsense.  That is what people told my son and I after she dies.  I just wanted to point out that people were praying for her for 4 years and look where that got her. 

Good luck with what you are dealing with.  I hope for the best for you in the most secular, person to person sense.

Comment by tonyo on September 14, 2013 at 8:53pm

I joined this group because I recently was diagnosed with testicular cancer, operated on and am cancer free but still on cancer watch.  I can't really offer much advice in regards to Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

It has been good having the support of family and friends yet one thing that's bothered me is how much offers of prayer have annoyed me.  I've been quite selective who've I've told about my diagnosis as I really felt resistant to the whole "we're praying for you" response. 

I'm interested to know how others have dealt with this.  The best answer I've gotten so far from other atheist friends was an older guy who said he just says "Thanks" as they mean well.

That's ok for me except for when it's a overly evangelical person who goes out of their way to claim it was their prayer that caused the good result.  

Interested to hear how others deal with this.

Comment by Strega on September 14, 2013 at 8:41pm

@Amanda - In the UK there is an amazing charity organisation called "Macmillan" that I think would be a great help.  Here is the site - they have an online community and that may be of interest as I realise you're in the USA.

Comment by German Orozco on April 15, 2012 at 1:00am

My father is dying. He was diagnosed with pacreatic cancer last monday, but the deterioration he's experiencing is horrible, he's lost a lot of weight, he's all yellow because the tumor is now afecting the liver and the last doctor we saw, told me my father couldn't take surgery because he's to weak. He's 78, he had an amazing life and I will miss him deeply.

I come here to find support, some kind of rational support, one that does not involve God, Angels, Chakras or anything like that.

I mean, come on, I know my dad is dying, the last thing I need is someone telling me God can work out a miracle that will never happen. It sickens me to listen family members telling my mother everything's gonna be fine if she's faithful to God, I know their heart is in the right place, but, how cruel is that? telling someone it's his/her responsibility to generate the conditions for a "miracle" to happen, a miracle we all know won't happen.

I guess in a way, knowing that someone you love is dying, I mean being aware of it's imminence gives you the time to tell them everything you want before they die as opposed as loosing someone unexpectedly.

Anyway, if someone has already gone through this or is currently in this same situation, I'd love to chat.

Thanks for reading and being rational thinkers, I needed you.

Comment by Thomas54 on November 21, 2011 at 4:25am

In March 2011 I was diagnosed with mouth cancer. It was six months since I had noticed what I thought was an ulcer on my gum. Since knowing the facts, I've discovered that anything like an ulcer that persists more than three weeks should be looked at by a doctor or dentist.

Anyway, I had a maxillectomy in June and was given the all-clear. I now have an obturator in the roof of my mouth and attend regular check-ups and refits of the obturator as the soft-tissue in my re-grows. I had quite bad trismus (restricted jaw movement) after the surgery but have overcome this by regular jaw exercises (using a TheraBite)... after four months my jaw opening is virtually normal, but the exercises continue to ensure there is no relapse.

From the start I took a scientific view of the whole thing. I saw the medical treatment as an opportunity to experience something new. This may sound a little weird, but the fact that the hospital includes teaching medical students made the experience more meaningful. I am pleased to cooperate and have students present during my treatment. Photos have been taken during the treatment, including the surgery.

My positive attitude has probably helped my recovery from the surgery. Both the surgeon (who I see regularly for post-op monitoring) and the prosthetist (who made the obturator) say I am a particularly good patient and am recovering very quickly.

It's still hard sometimes. I have some numbness on the side of my nose and cheek where the surgery took place. There's been slight improvement in feeling, so I hope this continues, but I'm told that this can take years and there's no guarantee that full feeling will return.

I'm fortunate that I work as an independent software developer and can work at home most of the time. This made it easier to cope with the after effects of the surgery, particularly in the first six weeks when I was on a lot of medication as well as having difficulty eating normal food.

Comment by Acacia Warwick on November 17, 2011 at 6:49pm

I came here because I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer on 11/11/11. My first breast cancer diagnosis was in Aug. 2009 and I finished treatment in Feb. 2010. Last Friday mets showed up in my lung. While there are advances every day in technology, this is still a terminal diagnosis, and I'm 44 years old.

Sometimes I wish I could pray, but there isn't anyone to pray to. People find such comfort in the imaginary world of religion, but I can't do it. And I don't want to.

How do you get through for terminal illness and death as a person of reason? How do you deal with the constant "gifts" of prayers?

Comment by Mike on September 27, 2011 at 6:40am

Hi all,  I want to introduce myself briefly.  I am a long time atheist looking for a home.  I am an almost 50 year old man and for three years now I have been dealing with my wife of almost 20 years now and her battle with breast cancer.  It started three years ago with the initial discovery resulting in bi-lateral mastectomies and chemo and the removal of most of her lymph nodes on one side.  Just when we thought we were out of the woods about a year after her last chemo it was found metasticized into her bones with lesions in her spine, pelvis, skull, and rib.  Her oncologist describes her situation as a chronic condition, like diabetes.  We don't know how long it will be before her treatments stop working but for now they are working well.  As an atheist it is hard to find solace and understanding from some people who know that for us 'prayers' are no comfort.  When I am in a particularly bad mood when someone says they will pray for her I tell them to ask their magic man in the sky why he gave her cancer in the first place.

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