Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Don on May 8, 2011 at 9:15pm

Beth, it would be a big help to the members, I think, if you would say something about why you have posted your work-in-progress here in this group.  What are your questions?  What strengths and weakness do you see in your ms.?  What specific concerns do you have about the prose, the characters, the narrative focus, the settings, and story development, and so on?  What problems, or concerns, do you have that you would like any willing critics to address themselves to?  Are you planning an extensive revision--or are you now in the midst of one?

Permalink Reply by Beth Eileen Zurkowski on May 8, 2011 at 10:25pm

What are the weaknesses in this story? I have removed huge chunks out of the second story I had going in there and want to know if it now flows smoothly and works. Do the characters ring true? Do they sound like eleven year olds?

Permalink Reply by Don on May 12, 2011 at 9:15pm

It's brave of you, Beth, to submit your novel's manuscript for review by a group of readers whose taste and acuity you cannot know much about.  I commend you for your dedication in writing a novel in the first place (most world-be writers cannot sustain the discipline and the vision) and for your commitment to the story and characters.  

I have not read the manuscript all the way through, but I have read enough, I think, to have a sense of its direction and of the quality of the prose and narrative strength.  The story elements are intriguing, and the Nova character offers a good center. 

The problems with the ms. are basic, though.  At 47,000 words, it's too short, first of all.  But much more important, it really needs a good and thorough edit.  The basic problems with simple things, like sentence structure, punctuation, and ordinary usage, do seriously inhibit easy comprehension.  They're numerous and distracting.  Trouble is, this is an area that a successful writer needs to be adept in.  You could hire a good editor to work with you, but whether the story is worth that investment depends on factors I have no way to measure.  And I have not given close thought to the story's merits, because in this draft many other basic problems obtrude. 

My broad suggestion for you would be think about ways to deepen the main character's involvement with her family and with her real-life difficulties so that these may offset (and thus heighten) the surreal element---which itself could use a better and more logical grounding in the framework of the plot. 

But unless you're aiming at self-publication with little concern for promotions and distribution (and money), the first hurdle, I'm afraid--and it is a significant one--must be how to polish and upgrade the language, line by line, all the way through.  The story elements are crucially important, of course, but if the prose isn't smooth and clear, the story's charm and value will never rise to the surface.

Permalink Reply by Beth Eileen Zurkowski on May 13, 2011 at 8:50am

I Googled middle grade novels and 46,000 words is the minimum the books can have unless they are chapter books. Also I had two engish teachers go over this novel and fix sentence structure and punctuation. I don't know where you are seeing problems. If you could show me an example that would be great.

Permalink Reply by Don on May 13, 2011 at 10:06am

Right, Beth--for middle-grade fiction, 46,000 would be in the ball park.  It might be better to shoot for a happy medium, but shorter books can work if everything else is working, too.  I was thinking YA.

There are numerous punctuation problems* in the draft.   There are problems with capitalization and spelling (a lot of missing hyphens).  But, more important, also there are many problems with usage and diction--particularly with the flat, sometimes awkward and wordy voice** of the third-person narrator.  And there are many examples of the sort of small misstep that beginning writers often fall into, like the overuse of adverbs.  

These are the kinds of things that seem plain to me, at least, as one reader, in a quick and discontinuous reading of the ms.  Other readers will no doubt have responses that differ from mine.  I don't mention any of this here to put you down or just to be negative but because you have offered a piece of work that you have invested a lot of time in, and you deserve honest, thoughtful, and direct responses, even if they may disappoint you.  That's very much the harsh nature of the enterprise, as I'm sure you know.

Some quick examples:

* I heard a crack,” Benny grimaced.  [Words can't be "grimaced."  Make the comma a period]

"...It’s the one from the African Heritage Days.” Nova said.  {Comma after "Days]

 

** Frustrated, Benny shoved at his white blond combed-over hair that fell into his light green eyes that looked yellow in sunlight, shrugged, smiled, and took a bite of his granola bar.

 

 Nova carried five heavy paranormal books that would have slumped any other sixth grader.  ["slump" is not a transitive verb; something can't "slump" something else.]

Permalink Reply by Beth Eileen Zurkowski on May 13, 2011 at 10:19am

Okay I thought I caught all of those periods and commas in dialog. I will change those two problems too. I'm saving up for an editor as we speak.

Permalink Reply by Don on May 13, 2011 at 8:25pm

Beth, you may be interested in this old discussion over at Absolute Write:

"Is it worth it to hire an editor?"

Permalink Reply by Beth Eileen Zurkowski on May 15, 2011 at 7:11pm

Thanks, it is very informative.  I guess I'm so impatient to get this story out there that I'm rushing. The book takes place in 2046 and that is almost here. And the the lack of science wisdom in the world is here and now. I just feel that the time to get it out is now. It's daunting I might not publish the regular way.  So I was playing with the idea of  self publishing on Kindle. I think I might get Dave King to have a look at it. He has a Starving Writer's Program. 

P.S. Did you notice all the typos in the discussion. Maybe they should hire an editor. LOL

Permalink Reply by Don on May 15, 2011 at 8:06pm

Well, 2046 is 35 years down the road, if I'm not mistaken.  That's almost half a lifetime.  (Now, 2016, that's almost here.)  You have a lot of time. 

All hard-working writers who seek an audience, especially those writers who have invested years in time-sensitive narratives (and I am one of them), are impatient to get the work out there.  But that kind of impatience and eagerness can often obscure a writer's judgment and blunt her critical acuity.  If there is any chance that a writer's work can attract a mainstream publisher's support with an advance, and publicity, and distribution, it's more than worth pushing hard in that direction.  Self-publishing is a real crap shoot, partly because 95% of self-published work is crap.  Almost everyone who goes that route goes nowhere but into debt--not everyone (there are a few exceptions), but almost everyone.   

Your ms. still needs a lot of work, Beth, in my estimation.  It reads to me like an early draft fraught with many of the basic, beginning-writer problems, but with a good premise and some promise.  I think that if you are determined to stick with it you need to solicit (maybe purchase) some detailed editorial advice, both structural and superficial--not advice from English teachers, but from a professional editor of fiction who is enough engaged with the market to know what she's doing.   ("Bellevance," in that AW discussion, is yours truly.)   

Permalink Reply by Beth Eileen Zurkowski on May 15, 2011 at 10:40pm

I really appreciate your suggestions and critique of my novel. The comments are very helpful. Are you an editor that can help me at this time? Or do you recommend someone? Do you think Dave King's Starving Writer's Program is worth looking into?

Permalink Reply by Don on May 16, 2011 at 7:27am

A good editor (who will include a line edit, which I think you could use) is usually expensive--$5 a page or more--but if you hang out for a while over at AW you might join a beta readers' group that will give you some useful responses, which you will, of course, take with a grain of salt, as Dave King suggests, below.  That's what I think I would do first, if I were you. 

I don't know Dave King, and I have not heard about his services until now.  I find him pretty interesting, though, not least because I have close friends who live in Ashfield, and I visit the town often.  (Rachel Maddow is from the area, too.)  No doubt I've driven by his place.  I'd pick up his self-editing book first and see if I liked it.  His broad advice looks good, but I can't guess how extensive or helpful his "diagnostic" might be.  The samples look helpful, perhaps, but it's hard to say without being able to judge the initial quality of the manuscript he actually saw.  One thing that bothers me just a little is that he provides no testimonial references.  Of course, I'm sure you could write directly to the people whose books he says he has edited to ask about what you might expect (though I doubt he took on any of these as "starving writers").  Good luck!

 

"Critique Me Kindly"