Atheist Humor

A place for all things that might be funny to atheists or other non-theists.

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Sometimes the humor takes care of itself.

Started by Carol Foley. Last reply by Belle Rose Jul 4, 2013. 14 Replies

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Comment by Alayna on March 21, 2011 at 8:15pm
A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”
Comment by Alayna on March 21, 2011 at 8:12pm
Comment by Hope on March 21, 2011 at 8:03pm

The Imam calls in his two wives, Fatima and Ameena and their goat Farook. He looks at them with a tear in his eye and says to them that it was not Allah's will that a man should have more that two wives.

"Oh right then," Fatima replied, "I'll pack my things. I guess Ameena can feed Farook."


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this shit?"



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Comment by Reg The Fronkey Farmer on March 20, 2011 at 10:25am
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him -- he really didn't come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
Comment by Tor Hershman on March 13, 2011 at 7:37am

Say, if'in ya digz joinin' me wee fan club, nobody has in ages, you can groove to moi's many hilarious parodies, vote in the jocular polls and just waste your time in general.

Comment by God Bless Atheism on March 13, 2011 at 5:52am
Comment by Freek on March 10, 2011 at 6:21am

I don't know if you heard this one:


A farmer is showing his fields to the local pastor. They first go past a field filled with grain. "Look at the great harvest I grew here," the farmer says. The pastor nods and replies, "But with the help of God." 

The farmer reluctantly agrees, "Fine, with the help of God."

Then they pass by a field of corn. "Look at all the great corn I grew here," the farmer proudly says. "With the help of God," the pastor immediately adds.

The farmers sighs. "Fine, with the help of God."

Then they pass by a third field, nothing is growing there, just a bit of weeds.

The pastor looks at the farmer. "That's not much to look at."

"Yeah," the farmer replies, "That he did all by himself."

Comment by Paul Reed on March 6, 2011 at 10:57am

Just received this via email:


A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response and then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Comment by Hope on February 27, 2011 at 3:32pm
Comment by Paul Reed on February 19, 2011 at 10:08am

I always think of this whenever someone mentions Ray Comfort  :)


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Discussion Forum

Sometimes the humor takes care of itself.

Started by Carol Foley. Last reply by Belle Rose Jul 4, 2013. 14 Replies


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