I'm sure a lot of you have seen this joke before, but here it is for those who haven't.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself. As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically, and he tried to run even faster.
Suddenly, he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant, the athiest cried out,"Oh my God!" Time stopped. The
bear froze. The forest was silent.
Just then, a bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of
the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Indeed, it would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian
now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well,"
said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the
bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke. "Lord, bless this
food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
Hilarious! I, for one, had not seen this before. It could be suitably modified to fit each religion though. For example, a Muslim bear might say "Bismillah", a Hindu bear might chant 'Om Saha Navavatu, Saha Nau Bhunaktu, Saha Viryam Karvavahai.." but it would lose its sting, innit.
A rabbi has a son, who he sends to the better yeshiva in town.... But after a week, the kid is expelled for misbehaving.
Undaunted, the rabbi sends his son to the other yeshiva. Again, after a week the boy is expelled.
Regretfully, the rabbi enrolls his son in public school. He lasts two weeks.
Out of other options, the rabbi sends his son to the Catholic school. A week passes. Two weeks. A month. At the end of the semester, he get's his son's report card. Math: A. English: A. Science: A. He sits down with the boy.
"My son, how can you do this to me? From both of the yeshivot, you get expelled. From public school, you get tossed. And here, at this Catholic school, you do well. I should be swelling with pride at your accomplishments but instead I am ashamed that you did not apply yourself before. Why, my son? Why?"
"Well dad, the moment I saw that guy strung up on the wall, I knew this school meant business."
Two French nuns left their convent one Sunday for a bicycle ride. As they pedaled through the streets of the lovely medieval town near the convent, the first nun said: "This is amazing. I've never come this way before."
"Me either," said the second nun. "Must be the cobblestones."
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street. They see a little boy strolling down the sidewalk on the other side of the street. The priest says, "hey, let's go screw that little boy", and the Rabbi says "out of how much?"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."