Spanking the Monkey
Spanking the Monkey
Charming the Snake. Choking the Chicken. Freeing Willy. The amount of slang for masturbation with animal references should be seriously disconcerting. Except that a wide-range of animals including dogs, cats, horses, all apes, lions, bears... and the list goes on... have been found to Jack off. Included on the list are elephants, donkeys and walruses that manage to flog the bishop with their fins. Even birds have been shown to rub their cloaca against pretty much anything.
This phenomenon isn't restricted to males either - female organgutans were observed exhibiting inspiring creativity by fashioning home-made dildos from lianas. Female horses during breeding season will rub up against fence posts, barn doors and seemingly anything made of wood.
Discovering that a species can milk the moose is fun and entertaining and often awe-inspiring. You have to respect a macaque for committing 1-6% of its daily metabolism to producing ejaculate and the ability for 'self-directed oral sex' in a variety of mammals. But the bigger question is why? If masturbation is so widespread among all animals then it must provide an evolutionary advantage.
A new study has found ground squirrels can be added to the list of those that shake hands with the devil. Previous explanations to this blatant waste of sperm in and around a females oestrus period were that masturbation provided a way to display fertility to potential mates or as a deterrant to rivals.
Read the rest on Science in Seconds. Also see:
The Scientific Case for Masturbation
Why O’Donnell gets it wrong: being ‘master of your domain’ does not help procreation.
Since Christine “I’m Not a Witch” O’Donnell is campaigning for the U.S. Senate and not the directorship of the Kinsey Institute, maybe we should give her a pass when it comes to her views on sex and, specifically, masturbation. But that would be a mistake: the stakes are simply too high, going all the way up the very survival of our species. For while O’Donnell crusaded against masturbation in the mid-1990s, denouncing it as “toying” with the organs of procreation and generally undermining baby making, the facts are to the contrary. Evidence from elephants to rodents to humans shows that masturbating is—counterintuitively—an excellent way to make healthy babies, and lots of them. No one who believes in the “family” part of family values can let her claims stand.
Read the rest on Newsweek.
Tags: animals, autoeroticism, health, masturbation, science, spanking the Monkey, sperm, testicles
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Heather Spoonheim on -
Why do men get all the best euphemisms for masturbation? Choking chickens, milking the moose, charming the snake; what do we get? Tickling the oyster?
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Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on -
Maybe it's because of sexism. I think people generally thought that women didn't masturbate, because women did not feel sexual pleasure absent the presence of men.
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Permalink Reply by Suzanne Olson-Hyde on -
I think masturbation is not quite innate like a bloke's is. The male simply builds up sperm, and ejaculates whether by hand - or at night when asleep.
But when a woman learns how to masturbate - yahoo - no need for a male.
Women have to learn, men just do it.
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Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on
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Same here.
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Permalink Reply by Heather Spoonheim on
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I clearly remember having no inkling at all and then becoming inspired to check things out. I really can't say when I had my first orgasm but I know for a fact that eventually I was sure I was having them. I think it may have even started with 'sexy dreams'. To this day I don't know whether or not I've ever had an orgasm in my sleep though.
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Permalink Reply by Pope OoO (Out of Order) on -
Seems mostly like males get the verbs and females get the nouns like tah tahs, rack, taco (and oyster), etc. Perhaps there's even some left over, traditional predator vs prey? So yeah, I think there's a built in sexism there. :)
Euphemisms are funny and reflect the times. Did Plato or Shakespeare ever write something along these lines?
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Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on
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Seems mostly like males get the verbs and females get the nouns
Nah, men have lots of nouns for their junk: snake, hose, one-eyed monster, tubesteak, tool, etc.
...Shakespeare ever write something along these lines?
Shakespeare used euphamisms quite a lot, though I doubt he spoke of masturbation. I do recall in Othello he usese the phrase "the beast with two backs" to refer to intercourse.
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Permalink Reply by Logan D. Williams on -
sorry you feel that way Heather. Probably because women can speak about these thing matter-of-factly with each other, whereas men tend to insult each other's self-gratification habits. A great book, "Sperm Wars" has an interesting insight into this. Robin Baker wrote it, I think.
Anyhow, I'll leave you with some female masturbation euphemisms I've heard before:
double-clicking the mouse
filing the gap
tickling the ivories
moving mountains
ok you've got a point... I give up!
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Permalink Reply by Heather Spoonheim on
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Thanks, Logan. I've decided to avoid 'masturbation' altogether and treat myself, instead, to 'autonomous romance'. :D
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Permalink Reply by T A A on -
I guess I should blame it on my non religious, non anglo education, I had truly never heard those ridiculous wordings before.
In French we masturbate, that's it.
We had a similar debate about vajayjays over on another thread.
I find it constantly sad that people can't use real words instead of childish/prudish cop-outs for anatomical parts and their functions.
MASTURBATE ALREADY! :)
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Permalink Reply by Heather Spoonheim on
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I don't consider masturbation to be of much merit at all - I aspire to autonomous romance. A nice glass of wine, candles, the right lighting and mood; I'm not a cheap date!
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