*Groan* Why me? Why always me!?
As a diabetic ol'fart, who no longer even owns a proverbial pot to piss in, I have very few pleasures left in my life.
About all that remains for me, is to take my dog for a walk, sit in the sun (or shade, depending on the season) and enjoy an occasional, illicit ice-cream cone. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Now, it seems even that has been denied me.
A couple of months ago, I was sitting there, minding my own business, about to enjoy a much anticipated, first lick of delicious, creamy, plain vanilla ice cream cone, when along comes this earnest looking dude, who seemed to have the woes of the entire world resting on his shoulders. "Uh-oh" I thought, "if you're going to try and bum money off me, boy, you have the wrong address!"
But no, apparently he wasn't going to try to bum money off me. Instead he came across with "Excuse me sir, can I take a few moments of your time to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?"
Without waiting, he promptly parked himself next to me, and started hauling out Bibles and reams and reams of pamphlets, which he thrust at me and insisted I take them to read later. Then he proceeded to wade into me! Boy! Character assassination, with hobnail boots on!
Being brought up to treat people with courtesy, to respect other people's religious beliefs, and not being able to get a word in edgeways anyway, I just sat there like an idiot letting him ramble on, while my ice-cream slowly melted, ran down my arm and dripped off my elbow.
Finally, when I was sitting like some kind of weird, bearded statue of Liberty, holding aloft an empty, soggy ice-cream cone, he ran out of steam and I could say "Dude, thanks for your concern for my Imortal soul, but I'm okay thanks". His jaw dropped, his eyes bulged, and his mouth opened and shut soundlessly, like a stranded guppy. Without another word, he grabbed his precious Bible and briefcase and flounced off, leaving all his pamphlets behind.
I dumped the remnants of my ice-cream, and tried to use one of the pamphlets to mop my arm, but the ice-cream had become a big sticky mess, and the pamphlet was printed on glossy stock, so it just stuck to my skin, and pulled the hair on my arm like sticking plaster. I had to walk home with a 7 panel concertina-fold pamphlet proclaiming "Jesus Saves", stuck to my outstretched forearm, flapping in the wind behind me like a flag.
At my next ice-cream breakaway, I'd just settled down on the bench and was about to take my first, well deserved (I thought, considering I'd been so rudely deprived of the last one) lick, when, blow me down, this same dude pops up "Excuse me sir, I think maybe we got off on the wrong foot last time, can we try again?" and promptly plonks himself down next to me and starts hauling out his library.
I hold up my free hand "Whoa Dude, really, thanks for your concern, but I'm truly not interested" I say.
He gasps, "But why not? It's a special message from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, especially for you!"
"With respect Dude, I just don't believe that stuff"
"But why don't you believe it?" He goes into second gear, waving more pamphlets in my face, and starts reading passages out of the Bible as proof that I simply have to believe.
Meanwhile, my precious ice-cream is starting to migrate in the same direction as the last one. I'm not about to let that happen, so I cautiously turn my head and stick out my tongue in anticipation of lapping up the first errant drip sliding down the side of the cone.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, I'll say this dude gave me a bump, either accidentally, to make a point, or to reclaim my wandering attention, but whatever, the result was that he shoved my face into my ice-cream, knocking it off the cone and sending it splat, into my lap.
There was just no stopping this guy, he was going to get his message across, come what may, regardless of how many times I told him "Dude, I'm not interested."
Eventually his battery ran down, or something, and he packed up his kit and left, threatening "I guess I'll see you 'round" (Not if I see you first Dude!).
I wend my weary way home, with sticky ice-cream plastered all over my beard, and an embarrassing wet stain on the front of my pants. - 2 down!
Third attempt. Once more I'm about to plunge my ice-cream deprived tongue into my latest acquisition when it happened.
"Well hello sir, how are you?" and we're off on the merry-go-round again. This time, I didn't even try to be polite. I just consumed my ice-cream, and let him waffle on in the background. I wasn't going to lose a third one over this guy.
When he finally started to run down, I said "Listen Dude, why are you wasting your valuable time on me?" I didn't mention my (limited), valuable time, that he was also wasting. "I've told you over and over again, I'm. not. interested! I don't believe that stuff! Aren't there other, more worthy souls, that need saving?"
"Oh no sir, you're important! Jesus loves you and wants you in his Flock!" - great, now I'm a sheep!
My ice-cream getaways have always been random - random days, random times, and I arrive from random directions. I don't know how he does it, but no matter what day, what time, or from which direction I arrive, I've even skipped a couple of weeks, but this dude always finds me! I've tried courtesy, I've tried reason, I've been rude and obnoxious, but he just doesn't give up! He seems to have made it his personal life's mission to Save little ol' me!
It even crossed my mind that maybe, I should just 'dot his i's' but I'm pretty sure that would only win him Brownie points when he shows off his 'battle wounds' at his church, and encourage him to greater effort.
At some level, I guess I have to admire his tenacity but, for once, all I want is just to be able to enjoy a frickin' ice-cream cone!
great story. Thanks for sharing.
Dump the ice cream in his lap and I'll buy the next one. :)
Tell him, 'I found Jesus just the other day. He told me to do this, and then told me to tell you to bugger off!'
I have to salute your own tenacity and single minded desire for a good cone as possible!
While I have been more than kind many times with other theist obsessives, I reserve special treatment for the truely difficult. The series of words 'such as bugger off!', or 'does this get any better?', have a few times been inflicked. I have happily not been 'sold to' very often, and did once realize that life can be too short even for them...
Tell him you don't have time cause you need to go feed your fire breathing dragon. When he doesn't believe you, remind him that he should just have Faith.
Great post. Thanks.
I admire your patience and I will try to emulate it. However, after 36 years in NZ, I've only been avengelicized twice.
Dude, I've checked the map. and it seems there's a lot of 'our kind' in NZ. Unfortunately, there's not many of us over here, unless they're well hidden deep in the confessional. When I go on my daily ramblings, I have to duck and dive to try and avoid these self-proclaimed Guardians of Public Morals - They're on nearly every street corner. (and this is in the Suburbs). My bible punching siblings, their offspring, and their offspring are all in NZ... Auckland, I think, where, apparently, they've met up with a fairly extensive community of bible punchers, so beware of going there.
Since moving to where I am, I've had ONE incident of people coming to my door to evangelize. They scampered off when I pointed out they'd walked past a no trespassing sign.
Man, you have the patience of JOB... LOL!!!
Live in New Jersey now and commute to work in New York City. Grew up in New York City.
Waiting for my bus to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in Manhattan. Sitting there minding my own business when a middle age woman walks over and said "Jesus Loves You!!!". I didn't say anything and started looking to see if my bus was coming. She asked me if I had accepted Jesus into my heart. I looked the other way and rudely hoped she'd take a hike. But she continued. Finally, after listening to her ramblings about Jesus, I had enough and said, as politely as I could, "I'm sorry, nothing against you or your awesome belief, but I'm an atheist. To which she said, as she walked away, "You're going to burn in hell!"....
Bus comes, arrive at the terminal, head downstairs to catch the subway. As I'm walking through the subway station a gentlemen in a suit is handing out tracks to everyone that passes by on their way to work. Really aggressive this one... He approaches me and shoves the track in my face. I politely say, "no thank you". He's having none of that and continues walking with me and yacking about Jesus. I finally say, in my best Ethel Merman impersonation, ATHEIST!!!!!!. He stops walking and stands there silently watching me as I walk away and then let's loose with, "You're going to burn in hell!!!!"...... To which I giggled my ass off...
A Lord Of The Rings avatar deserves a Lord Of The Rings movie clip; this one seems to fit:
This certainly seems to be the effect my no trespassing strategy had.
(Geez, I wish youtube didn't put spoiler titles on their embeds)