*Groan* Why me? Why always me!?
As a diabetic ol'fart, who no longer even owns a proverbial pot to piss in, I have very few pleasures left in my life.
About all that remains for me, is to take my dog for a walk, sit in the sun (or shade, depending on the season) and enjoy an occasional, illicit ice-cream cone. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Now, it seems even that has been denied me.
A couple of months ago, I was sitting there, minding my own business, about to enjoy a much anticipated, first lick of delicious, creamy, plain vanilla ice cream cone, when along comes this earnest looking dude, who seemed to have the woes of the entire world resting on his shoulders. "Uh-oh" I thought, "if you're going to try and bum money off me, boy, you have the wrong address!"
But no, apparently he wasn't going to try to bum money off me. Instead he came across with "Excuse me sir, can I take a few moments of your time to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?"
Without waiting, he promptly parked himself next to me, and started hauling out Bibles and reams and reams of pamphlets, which he thrust at me and insisted I take them to read later. Then he proceeded to wade into me! Boy! Character assassination, with hobnail boots on!
Being brought up to treat people with courtesy, to respect other people's religious beliefs, and not being able to get a word in edgeways anyway, I just sat there like an idiot letting him ramble on, while my ice-cream slowly melted, ran down my arm and dripped off my elbow.
Finally, when I was sitting like some kind of weird, bearded statue of Liberty, holding aloft an empty, soggy ice-cream cone, he ran out of steam and I could say "Dude, thanks for your concern for my Imortal soul, but I'm okay thanks". His jaw dropped, his eyes bulged, and his mouth opened and shut soundlessly, like a stranded guppy. Without another word, he grabbed his precious Bible and briefcase and flounced off, leaving all his pamphlets behind.
I dumped the remnants of my ice-cream, and tried to use one of the pamphlets to mop my arm, but the ice-cream had become a big sticky mess, and the pamphlet was printed on glossy stock, so it just stuck to my skin, and pulled the hair on my arm like sticking plaster. I had to walk home with a 7 panel concertina-fold pamphlet proclaiming "Jesus Saves", stuck to my outstretched forearm, flapping in the wind behind me like a flag.
At my next ice-cream breakaway, I'd just settled down on the bench and was about to take my first, well deserved (I thought, considering I'd been so rudely deprived of the last one) lick, when, blow me down, this same dude pops up "Excuse me sir, I think maybe we got off on the wrong foot last time, can we try again?" and promptly plonks himself down next to me and starts hauling out his library.
I hold up my free hand "Whoa Dude, really, thanks for your concern, but I'm truly not interested" I say.
He gasps, "But why not? It's a special message from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, especially for you!"
"With respect Dude, I just don't believe that stuff"
"But why don't you believe it?" He goes into second gear, waving more pamphlets in my face, and starts reading passages out of the Bible as proof that I simply have to believe.
Meanwhile, my precious ice-cream is starting to migrate in the same direction as the last one. I'm not about to let that happen, so I cautiously turn my head and stick out my tongue in anticipation of lapping up the first errant drip sliding down the side of the cone.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, I'll say this dude gave me a bump, either accidentally, to make a point, or to reclaim my wandering attention, but whatever, the result was that he shoved my face into my ice-cream, knocking it off the cone and sending it splat, into my lap.
There was just no stopping this guy, he was going to get his message across, come what may, regardless of how many times I told him "Dude, I'm not interested."
Eventually his battery ran down, or something, and he packed up his kit and left, threatening "I guess I'll see you 'round" (Not if I see you first Dude!).
I wend my weary way home, with sticky ice-cream plastered all over my beard, and an embarrassing wet stain on the front of my pants. - 2 down!
Third attempt. Once more I'm about to plunge my ice-cream deprived tongue into my latest acquisition when it happened.
"Well hello sir, how are you?" and we're off on the merry-go-round again. This time, I didn't even try to be polite. I just consumed my ice-cream, and let him waffle on in the background. I wasn't going to lose a third one over this guy.
When he finally started to run down, I said "Listen Dude, why are you wasting your valuable time on me?" I didn't mention my (limited), valuable time, that he was also wasting. "I've told you over and over again, I'm. not. interested! I don't believe that stuff! Aren't there other, more worthy souls, that need saving?"
"Oh no sir, you're important! Jesus loves you and wants you in his Flock!" - great, now I'm a sheep!
My ice-cream getaways have always been random - random days, random times, and I arrive from random directions. I don't know how he does it, but no matter what day, what time, or from which direction I arrive, I've even skipped a couple of weeks, but this dude always finds me! I've tried courtesy, I've tried reason, I've been rude and obnoxious, but he just doesn't give up! He seems to have made it his personal life's mission to Save little ol' me!
It even crossed my mind that maybe, I should just 'dot his i's' but I'm pretty sure that would only win him Brownie points when he shows off his 'battle wounds' at his church, and encourage him to greater effort.
At some level, I guess I have to admire his tenacity but, for once, all I want is just to be able to enjoy a frickin' ice-cream cone!
"Brother, imagine for a moment how fast ice cream melts in hell" would have been a better opening line.
I made up a sign that says "No Evangelism" and stuck it in my front window thinking it would keep most of the door-to-door types at bay. What I didn't factor in was that many of them don't read so well. I recently talked to a Baptist at my front door who saw the sign and was able to read it but didn't know what the word evangelism means.
Remember they don't necessarily call it 'evangelism' where their from ....
He may be annoying but what a great story! Thanks for sharing :)
I had a similar encounter a few days ago.
I was with my wife waiting for the bus to head home from grocery store, we were sitting on a bench when a dancing woman approached us and asked me if I wanted to learn how to get into heaven.
I said, "No thanks, I'm atheist. Not interested."
Her: "ATHEIST?! Then we definitely have to talk!"
Me: "No, we don't. It wouldn't be a conversation you would enjoy."
Entire time my wife looking at me in that 'please be nice' way.
Her: "Well, you are going to go to hell unless you accept god and he saves you! <insert bible quote about fools not believing>"
Me: "Which god would that be? There have been around 2700; I myself am partial to Zeus."
Her: "I learned about Zeus in university-"
Me: "Oh, cool! I would much rather talk about that."
Her: "But Jesus is the only true god, and through his love he can save you from hell."
Me: "The hell that he created to punish us with for not loving him?"
Her: "He gave us free will. It is your own choice that sends you there!"
Me: "I wouldn't exactly call that free will, more of an ultimatum. Love me or I will torture you for not loving me.. How would you call that free will? I mean, think about it! Would you create a crime, not inform your children of that crime existing and then create an infinite punishment for a unknown finite crime?"
Her, walking away at this point, "Well, god loves you!" over her shoulder with a self satisfied moronic smile.
I recommend either ear plugs that you insert directly in front of the Missionary or a card with "I am deaf from birth" printed on it to hand to the next guy.
I recently had an encounter with The Faithful. I was engaged in my humiliating job and a guy walked by to whom I gave a small nod of acknowledgement. He was ascending some stairs when he stopped, turned around and told me something to the effect of
"God loves you and Jesus has your life planned out for you"
I usually wear a rather stoney world weary face and speak in the same tone of which I used to reply
I turned and resumed my work. He stopped for a moment speechless and then turned back around and pissed off.
Two words, no confrontation, no argument or wasting my time.
Just shut them down.
For some reason, as I read this, I heard every word in my head - in the voice of Christopher Walken. It was....amazing....youza! Thanks - was a good read.
You are sooo right. Maybe strass strass IS Mr. Walken.
WOW! The hula hoop girl, turned an otherwise inannimate object in to a very sexy form of true art! I sat ramped nearly to tears!
An infinity of Christopher Walkens. Yay! I was feeling disgruntled after watching part of the Fox news idiocy but this set me straight again. Thanks! You know what this means, don't you? More cowbell!
great story. Thanks for sharing.