Paddy O'Furniture

How about a brief respite from the atheism/theism debate?

What is YOUR lame but funny joke?

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I did, she was 16 years younger. It didn't last, but it was fun for a while.

There's no place like

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?



Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face off on the ice.


What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

why did willie nelson get hit by a car?

-he was playing on the road again.

I can't seem to find the original Feghoot story but it goes something like the following.

But first, a Feghoot is a story ending in an atrocious spoonerism. A spoonerism, in case you don't know, is a set of words with the first letters or sounds swapped around. For example "nooks and crannies" becomes "crooks and nannies."

The story goes that spacefarer Ferdinand Feghoot found himself on a strange planet. This planet proved to be inhabited by small creatures all covered with fur. "What do you call yourselves?" asked Feghoot, "We call ourselves 'furries,'" they explained. "Take me to your leader," said Feghoot. "Follow us," they said. And so Feghoot followed them across a vast plane to a range of small mountains. They then led him into a valley. As they proceeded, the mountains grew in size. Crossing high passes covered in ice and snow, Feghoot was led onto another vast plane. Eventually a single huge hill loomed on the horizon. As they approached, the number of furries increased a millionfold. Arriving at the base of the hill Feghoot looked up and saw a very large furry on a throne. "This is our leader," they assured him. Squinting, due to the great distance from the base to the top of the hill, Feghoot asked "Your that a huge hypodermic needle sticking out of his head?" "Yes," said one of the furries, adding "We call him The Furry With The Syringe On Top,"

Speaking of spoonerisms, this one's a bit off color:

What's the difference between a nun and a hooker taking a bath?

The nun has hope in her soul.

There's another one about an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea, but you'll have to ask for that punchline in private OR google it. It's the one joke I know where the setup itself gets a huge laugh sometimes.

What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf on the run form the police?

A small medium at large.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.  Talk about Dyson with death.    
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.      
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "    
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"      
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.      
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.    
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some smartarse has sent me a magnifying glass!      
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.      
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.    
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.      
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.    
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?    
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.      
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.      
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.    
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it’s me talking to the beer.      
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.      
Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was. 

Who's the fattest night at the Round Table?  Sir Cumference

How did he get so fat?  Too much pi

Two men walked into a bar... the third one ducked.


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