When you became a christian or convert to another religion, you reached a point where you had a revelation that your particular God was real, and it changed your whole outlook on life.
So if that experience wasn't supernatural, then what was it, and what was it caused by?
The last time I went to church, I approached the alter just to stand with my mom. Before I knew it my grandmother put her hands on me to pray for me and I didn't move out of pure politeness. Before I knew it I was surrounded by ten people trying to force my hands up to pray, they were telling me what to say and they were telling me what to do. All I felt was an overwhelming fear, anger, and need to get away from them. I wanted to scream and tell them to get the fuck away from me.
I was raised in the pentecostal religion. My mother believes that God is real because she was "filled with the Holy Ghost". I was supposedly gifted with that when I was very young, but I told her that I remember the experience and that I remembered feeling nothing remotely supernatural. I simply mimicked what everyone else does because I was pressured into it by being around other people. I also told her that I bet that every single kid that is supposedly filled with the holy ghost in her church was doing the same.
The psychological manipulation makes me fucking sick.
Before I had my Bat Mitzvah I was waiting for the realization. All my friends seemed to accept and understand god. When I had my Bat Mitzvah and nothing happened, when I felt no different, I realized there is no moment like that. That god was definitely not real and I was wasting my time.
I never had a "conversion experience". That's what led me to question all of the things that I had been told. By the time that I was 20 years old, I tried to "give my life to Jesus" 3 or 4 times at various church services and revivals. Afterward, I never felt any different. When I asked the ministers, elders, teachers, and leaders about that they would say that I just needed to wait and "have faith".
That seemed like mental suicide to me. I finally saw that it was all a matter of delusion, denial, and self hypnosis.
Forget about experience. I want to submit to God because, frankly, it's a turn-on for me.
I'm in a quandry. I'm a lifelong atheist who gets turned on by the thought of being totally converted via hypnosis and by virtually any other means. I love the idea of "surrendering" to belief and losing any vestige of critical thinking. I want to feel compelled to go to Mass, pray, confess my sins, and get baptized to live my life devoutly as a very good Catholic.
I'm serious. I'm fucked.....