I'm all 3 of these things at the moment because I'm just feeling out-right miserable. I'm not able to express myself well which has left me depressed. My lack of self-worth on its own has made me feel lost and unmotivated. The dangers of a lack of self-worth can stunt the growth of how creative you are and being content. Every second that I spend in this state drains energy that I could be using to get scholarships and get involved and whatnot. Other people at school can have the energy to do school, work, scholarships, have friends, and extra-curricular activities, but I do not understand how. Maybe they don't have issues, maybe they do but focus on other things, or have resolved them; something... I'm beginning to get fed up with all of these jerks at school and not having a voice. I am continuously being unraveled by the wind that is revealing the wounds underneath. I just can't keep a fake smile like I used to.. When was the last time I really smiled?

Doe anyone else feel like this right now? Any past experiences? How did you deal with it? I'm just curious.

Tags: Depressed, Lonely, Unmotivated

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Not right now, but when I was your age, yes. At times I was paralyzed. If I had an assignment to do for school, I would have the entire thing completed in my head, yet I would sit in front of my computer, staring at a blank screen, unable to type. All night, unable to type, as if there was a physical barrier blocking me. Then I would just not go to school anyway. Fortunately I got pretty high marks when I did participate in school, so despite all the zeros for incomplete work and skipped tests, I was able to scrape by.

I had a hard time feeling things. I was numb most of the time. I could feel simple emotions on the surface, like laughing at a joke with friends, but there was almost nothing underneath it. The only thing I felt was guilt, but most of the time over nothing. Once the consequences of my withdrawal from life starting building up, I at least had something worth feeling guilty about.

When I was in college, when I was awake I couldn't go to sleep. I would stay awake for days. Eventually I would pass out. Then I would go days without leaving bed aside from using the bathroom.

This sort of thing started, perhaps, as far back as middle school, and gradually crept up on me over time. At its worst, fits of depression would last months at a time.

Fortunately I am a fairly solitary person by nature. I enjoy long periods of time to myself to just sit and think. In some ways depression distorted my thoughts considerably to the point they could get pretty fucked up, but in other ways it challenged my perspective deeply and presented a sort of puzzle to be solved. When my fits of depression would lift, I'd get several weeks of productivity. It's kind of like when your nose is really stuffed up from a cold, then those first hours after the congestion finally clear up, you feel like you've never breathed so cleanly in all your life.

At some point in my mid twenties, the depressive fits eased off. I can't really say why. At thirty, I only have a few nights where I feel like I used to. I wait them out knowing they'll pass, and wonder to myself how I ever lived days on end like that.

If I had to go back and do it all again, I'd have sought help and medication. While I feel fortunate my depression was nowhere near as bad as depression can really get, and while things worked out pretty well int he end for me, I was needlessly dysfunctional and miserable for far too much time. Medication certainly isn't the answer to everything, but I do strongly suspect I was experiencing a treatable neurochemical imbalance. The path I took may very well have been as stupid as breaking your leg and trying to walk it off. Who can say for certain now, though? It is what it is. It was what it was.

I went through a two-year clinical depression that paralyzed me as well. I lived off passive income from some websites I operated. They required a small amount of effort to keep operating, which was about all the energy I could muster. 

I lived in Portland, Oregon at the time, and one of my symptoms was that I would feel a need to get out of my apartment and be with people. Not interact with people, just be with them. So what I did is to go out and ride on unfamiliar bus lines to see where they went. I did that on and off for many months, and one benefit turned out to be a pretty complete mental map of the area served by TriMet, the regional bus system. I could easily have become a cab driver or delivery driver with the knowledge I had in my mind. (This was before GPS.)

I got some help from the local Lutheran Family Services who helped me get an antidepressant through my family doctor. (BTW, Lutheran Family Services simply supplied me with a clinical social worker and my treatment was not denominational in any way, so don't assume that using Lutheran Family Services or even the Catholic equivalent means you'll be receiving religion-based counseling. As for my social worker, I left not knowing if she was Lutheran or even Christian.)

All we did was discuss what was going on in my life, the main thing being a relationship with a woman who ultimately I could not have. Once I accepted that, I was able to wander out of he depression.

To those of you whose experience with depression is with the non-clinical, transitory kind that happens after some setback but evaporates after a few days, weeks, or even months, the idea of wandering may seem strange. 

However, to those of you who have experienced a deep clinical depression, I'm sure you'll realize how much a clinical depression can be analogized to being hopelessly lost in a deep dark forest.

Clinical depression isn't feeling sad, though that can be a part of it. It has much more to do with a loss of meaning in one's life, a sense of hopelessness, and a sense of personal worthlessness.

How did I wander out of my depression? Don't laugh! I argued with it and talked back to it. I treated it as though it was a living being trying to intrude into my mind, and when I felt its presence I'd say (in my head) "Go away! Get out of my head!"

Well, I suppose I did say it out loud sometimes, when I was alone at home.

Silly as it sounds, it worked for me. 

I have a variety of problems but always refused to get help - in part due to my issues. Depression and lack of self-esteem/self-worth are two of my problems and I haven't been able to deal with them on my own. So I finally started getting help but waiting about three decades before doing so means a lot of crap to work through so it's taking a while to deal with them.

Things got worse for me when I lost my job and couldn't get a new one. Whether intentional or not, I put some of my self-worth in being employed.

The first part of my advice would be to get professional help - whether through your parents' insurance or through a free counseling service in your area.

The second part would be to examine your past and try to figure out what has helped you feel more confident / enhanced your self-worth. Then get back to doing / experiencing that if at all possible. And if it's not, see if someone else can help you with that.

You might also want to see if there is an atheist group in your area you can socialize with. And see if there is a gay youth / young adults group in your area for support and socializing.

I realize Texas has a reputation for not being tolerant towards atheists or gays but I have been very surprised at reports of decent behavior even in intolerant places so you could find support groups. But you'll only find them if you look.

I'm glad you're asking for help since that's the first step towards getting better. It says somewhere down inside you do know you have worth - you just need to bring that more to the surface.

The root of my depression goes all the way back to my high school years. It was never severe, but over decades, it became more and more debilitating. Thinking my problems were unique and difficult for anyone else to understand, I thought I just had to tough it out myself. It wasn't until my 30s when I got some help, which I terminated to start a new, married life, and then another couple of decades passed before the growing depression degraded into isolation and homelessness.

The homelessness finally triggered family, (mostly christian) charity, and veterans organizations to give me all the medical care, psych treatment, social environment and counseling I needed to get back on my feet. It "only" took two years! I know that sounds like a long time, but it was really short and sweet compared to the decades spent sliding down into an abyss. The moral of my story is that I wish I didn't feel so independent, unreachable, and unique in my problems back then, because I was just one (of probably millions) in the world who had the same kinds of problems, and for whom real, professional help exists. (And fuck the people who look down and say we should be able to fix ourselves all by ourselves!)

Wow... homelessness at one point? I am kind of surprised by how deep of a hole depression put you in. I'm glad you got help.

As for me, I talk to my former sociology teacher about some of my inner issues and it helps somewhat but there is still much to dig through. Sometimes it feels like it's all pointless but I simply can't afford to cut myself off from people especially since college is going to be so different due to having more people to socialize with. I really want to be emotionally stable so I can finally start gaining trust and build some relationships with people.

All of your stories and advice are appreciated. Thank you. :)

I sometimes use these feelings because they are familiar and I can control them. There is comfort in discomfort. really the only solution I have found is to reach out for help and try and change my attitude.My brain is a muscle and if I do the right exercises it can change.In this case we need to let go of our negative attitude try and think positive with the help of others and be patient. Oh ya, the other thing that helps is getting out of your own skin by helping others. Not sure this helps but I can empathize and understand what you are going through.The best way to gain self worth is by doing simple things like making the bed and doing the dishes etc........

Hugs you back.

I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that trauma Belle. It is truly unbelievable that you'd had to face so much abuse and neglect of your well-being. I'm glad life has been getting better because of your determination to get through it all. I feel as though my situation isn't even that serious yet I stress so much about it.

Thanks for your support, Belle. It's very amazing how you were able to find happiness after all of that because a lot of people don't. :D

With my depression comes a feeling of boredom and intense loneliness but I've found the solution is to simply be around people. It helps so much. As some have said, a good way to combat it is to treat it as an enemy that needs to be dealt with. 


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