I want to know more about the "shunning" process in Islam and particularly towards women - to understand what they face. I am offering support to a woman who is being ostracized by her "community" because she left her abusive husband. The ex-husband's family is trying to take the kids....So I guess I'm asking from an outsider's perspective how I can be of support to her in a way that would be helpful. I also want to understand more about the Islamic teaching/practices on this subject. Thanks.

Views: 931

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

My first thought is to explain the root of the idea. So there's obviously the fact that women have been treated like second-class citizens or worse for the majority of history to consider. It's worth mentioning that Islam was created during this time, that its teachings were patched together in a time when it was fairly kosher for women to be considered property. Shunning's a horrid mass defense mechanism. Putting yourself in the shunner's shoes, there has to be a great deal of insecurity there.

Wow this is tough. I live with a single muslim mom who was divorced from an abusive marriage a few years ago too. We also struggle financially because of it. However, I guess I'm lucky in a way because my culture is much more liberal. My dad's father for example took my mom's side and told her to divorce his son (he spends more time chatting and joking on the phone with my mom... his ex-daughter in law... than my father... his own son... lol everyone hates my dad actually... he's an odd case). And no one in my family is strict enough to wear a burqa. So I'm guessing she's from a very strict background, and I'm somewhat familiar with it due to a couple of friendships. 

Depending on what state you're in, I would advise that she goes to a shelter immediately... with the children. Custody disputes can last for years and it is impossible to have her and her children go through this abusive situation. She will not leave her children, I can bet you anything... please don't suggest that she leaves her children behind because that could cause her to not trust you (if she is strictly religious herself). Any high security shelter that provides total security (there are always a few of those in every state) or an organization that offers protection from women that is very secretive is also a good option. Unless she has strong family support in the US, then I would suggest she does that. If she has some sort of support, then she could seek another social worker... there is often a culturally sensitive department in family social work (like a poli-cultural centre). If all fails, find a muslim feminist group (there should be at least one liberal muslim feminist group in the states... find them and get her the support she needs). The woman definitely needs to change her home, and not notify her husband or her husband's family of that home. She needs to keep her location secret and trust very few people until she can perhaps get a restraining order on her husband and his family or at least a court ruling. Do not ask her to leave her religion now because she will not trust you. None of the things that I have mentioned require her to leave her religion. Islam permits divorce to women, no sect can fully deny this. Islam also permits divorce and custody to women on the basis of spousal abuse, there is a number of examples from the hadiths/ traditions (prophet's stories) that give precedence to this law. She is not obligated under any sense to avoid non-muslim family courts. Try to get her to understand her rights, slowly. She has the right to protect herself and her children from this abuse. And she has the right to seek the police in doing it and take all legal measures necessary. She is probably afraid of making her children lose their father or extended family, but trust me, they will thank her just like I thank my mom for leaving my dad and protecting us from him.  Also, in most cases if she goes to a shelter, the government will speed up her housing papers and will put her on the urgent waiting list (normal waiting lists can last for yearssss). And if they take the children, she may NEVER be able to see them again... I have met many people who have had this done to them.. it is horrible... because you cannot enforce canadian laws on foreign countries... especially corrupt foreign countries. Also, let her understand that shelters are not always as shabby and dirty as portrayed on tv... some of them are really respectable welcoming and comfortable and most importantly safe places! She may not want to go in fear of making her children put up with a bad situation, when some shelters are actually really great. 

I'll give her the hug, not sure if I can tell her that you said... but I'll think of you while hugging her? :P 

the only way she can escape this marriage without consequences is to either claim he's homosexual "in an Islamic society no one is inferior to a woman other than a homosexual man", or to claim he is impotent or doesn't satisfy her in bed "sexuality is also very important...

 About islamic rules and society:

- a woman in incomplete without a man

- a woman is mostly a property her father gives her to her husband "but she is non refundable"

- the only way to get to heaven is to obey her husband in everything, even to pray for him

- he's allowed to reform her behavior, by either words or beating "after all she is his property"

- a woman can be a college professor, a minister and her husband is an unemployed drunk bastard, yet he has the right to forbid her from going to work or to travel or to even go to her family

- she inherits half what her brother inherits

- he can marry up to 3 other women in certain cases "like she doesn't satisfy him in bed for instance"

- her emotions controls her decisions and so her judgement is impaired

and so on

she has some rights: as the right to get a maid and a breast feeding nanny for her kids to remain beautiful for her husband, he has to give her a reasonable allowance and he must inform her before getting married to another woman, she may get divorce easily if she knows the laws well and/or she has enough money to bribe him "about the kids, if she is still a muslim she has the right of their custody until they are teenagers and then they should choose unless she got insane, imprisoned or got married their grand mother should be their guardian then  ...."

Aaaah and don't forget the divorced woman stigma... she's a whore until proved otherwise!

I only wonder why doesn't she go to a women shelter or anything like that?

I hope I helped

Hmm this is interesting. Probably not very related to Belle's issue... but out of curiosity:

I know the rest, but I don't know these

- a woman in incomplete without a man

- a woman is mostly a property her father gives her to her husband "but she is non refundable"

- the only way to get to heaven is to obey her husband in everything, even to pray for him

Do you know the verses? I'd like to look into it for my religion and gender essay... and personal research as well...

Also, she is arguably neither chattel nor property... the text explicitly identifies her as a partner... BUT does not treat her like one. I'd like to look into any verses that speak of women as chattel or anything associated with that concept as well if you or anyone who sees this knows any.  

I understand you know Arabic, and you know the verse "الرجال قوامون على النساء الى آخره"

in islam a woman cannot take a life changing decision without a man by her side either a father a brother a son or a husband

is she allowed to travel alone? no

حدثنا زهير بن حرب ومحمد بن المثنى قالا حدثنا يحيى وهو القطان عن عبيد الله أخبرني نافع عن بن عمر أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال لا تسافر المرأة ثلاثا إلا ومعها ذو محرم

( لا تُسَافِرْ الْمَرْأَةُ إِلا مَعَ ذِي مَحْرَمٍ وَلا يَدْخُلُ عَلَيْهَا رَجُلٌ إِلا وَمَعَهَا مَحْرَمٌ فَقَالَ رَجُلٌ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنِّي أُرِيدُ أَنْ أَخْرُجَ فِي جَيْشِ كَذَا وَكَذَا وَامْرَأَتِي تُرِيدُ الْحَجَّ فَقَالَ اخْرُجْ مَعَهَا ).

Is she allowed to take the decision of getting married? no

أيما امرأة نكحت بغير إذن وليها فنكاحها باطل، فنكاحها باطل، فنكاحها باطل. كما في المستدرك وصحيح ابن حبان عن عائشة رضي الله عنها، ولقول النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: لا نكاح إلا بولي وشاهدي عدل، وما كان من نكاح Is she alloweعلى غير ذلك فهو باطل... كما في صحيح ابن حبان عن عائشة رضي الله عنها، ويفسخ النكاح لأن عمر رضي الله عنه رد نكاح امرأة نكحت بغير ولي؛ كما في سنن البيهقي.

is she allowed to be independent and have her own house without a man? there's a debate

one of the main conditions for a woman to go to heaven is to completely obey her husband

" إذا صلت المرأة خمسها وصامت شهرها وحفظت فرجها وأطاعت زوجها دخلت جنة ربها ".

ولو كنت آمر أحدا أن يسجد لأحد لأمرت المرأة أن تسجد لزوجها. رواه الترمذي وابن ماجه وصححه الألباني

بالتالي عليها أن تأتمر بأمره، إن نادى لبت، وإن نهى أطاعت، وإن نصح استجابت، فإذا نهى أن يدخل قريب أو بعيد محرم أو غير محرم إلى بيته في أثناء غيابه أطاعت.
قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: " ألا إن لكم على نسائكم حقاً، ولنسائكم عليكم حق، فأما حقكم على نسائكم ألا يأذن في بيوتكم لمن تكرهون". 

and a lot of other verses...

all these prejudiced verses ended to the final conclusion/assumption that "a woman is a property and she is incomplete without a man"

I will try to find other verses and hadith in the future "After all my knowledge to islam is still deficient and incomplete"

to be fair islamic verses has several interpretations, three of them are the main stream interpretation "which's the worst", the sufi interpretation and the mo'tazala interpretation.

the latter two believe in equality between the genders

if you want to read something good I recommend you to read " نصر حامد أبو زيد"

دوائر الخوف: قراءة في خطاب المرأة


"it's a book that has a complete different point of view than mine, but you have the right to read it and judge later"

If you open your mind and heart completely your interpretation to islam will be the reflection of your own soul, if you are a good person you will only see the fairness, love and equality in it, if you are a bad person you will only see the hatred vengeance and racism in it"

Alas, nobody reads, we like to take a ready fatwa from misogynist/chauvinist/prejudiced Sheikhs 

bu after all what is holey and pure in a religion the mainstream interpretation of it leads to disasters?


© 2019   Created by Rebel.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service