I saw this Advice area and thought, why not, it won't hurt to ask for some LOL!

My fiance has probably got the worst possible type of family in the history of the world's families!!  Well, OK, maybe not that bad, but damn near close.

His mom is a recovering addict, and I do give her kudos for getting away from the drugs and alcohol, but it has not changed her one bit in any good way.  She now has this self-righteous, holier than thou attitude that since she's a Christian she is now somehow better than the rest of us (meaning ME, really).  I mean, this woman was a shitty mother to my fiance.  He simply has no good stories to tell me, every story he's told me of his childhood makes me hate her with a white, seething passion.  She thinks by acting all good girl now with all her god crap (and I mean, ALL you see on her FB is stupid, superficial god shit), she can somehow make up for being the shit for brains mom she was.  And of course, she thinks she can use my step kids as pawns to make up for being a miscreant (tho, she can in no way shape or form make up for what she did and continues to do).  My son does not know her, nor will he ever really know her, know her.  She has it in her head that I will somehow let him go stay with his family without me anywhere around (not even if I am DEAD).  He is only 2 years old right now, so even if they were a really awesome group of people, there's no way I'd let him be that far away from me--ever for a REALLY long time.  His family lives a good 5 hours from us, so we don't have regular contact with them--THANKFULLY.  My fiance makes it a must that he never live too near to them (sad, huh?).  This woman has threatened to spread her dislike for me like some sort of disease amongst her family (so scary), and to be honest, I'm all for it.  It only proves what a vile creature she really is.  Anyhow, I digress.  To put it in a nutshell, she's shallow, hypocritical, ignorant and VILE.

Well, his sister is just as shallow and superficial and sadly (well, not really) we are no longer on good terms.  She seemed to think deleting me from her FB page was a good, nice Christian thing to do since she doesn't like to see the things I post (you know, the actual truths and facts about the REAL WORLD & my godless non-beliefs).  I wasn't really saddened by this "loss" but more annoyed.  I can't stand people like her, either.  They are all "thank you god" simply because their little bubble is all good, but they stay ignorant of what horrors others face daily.  People like this just make me ill to the core.  I have friends who are Christians, but they are not so blind as to think that god really is the cure for everything.  I have even asked these friends of mine HOW they can continue to believe when faced with the ugliness of people in the world.  Of course, they really can't answer, but they are so far from being the way my fiance's family is, it's comical.

ANYWAY, I will at some point or another have to deal with these people again, and the thought of it makes me feel as though I am going to have a heart attack.  I am not anxious from fear of them or what they might say, I am anxious because I don't want to go psycho bitch on them.  My step children were raised to believe in god (not through my fiance as he's not a theist), but simply by being around his family.  I do not lie to my step kids about my way of thinking of the world, but I do stress the importance of tolerance to other's.  I have made my step kids question their beliefs, but they still believe (tho rather weakly).  HOW does one deal with that when being around the people of my fiance's family?  It is really only his mother and sister, but his entire family are right wing conservatives who support the worst of the worst types of people, and of course, good ol god-fearing hypocrites, too.  However, they are easier to deal with.

I seriously just dread the day when it comes that I must deal with the stress that these people give me.  I have told my fiance I may just NOT deal with them.  I will let him do that LOL.  I will be glad to just take my little boy and go off somewhere why he visits them, but then again, I feel I will rob his grandmother of seeing my son (his only great-grandmother), so I will likely just have to suck it up.  So, HOW?  Overdose on anxiety meds?

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Hi Robin,

This is a tricky situation.  It does sound like you have the inlaws-to-be from hell, doesn't it?  I think it sounds really promising that your fiance doesn't want to live near them.  It seems he is not exactly close to them either.  I understand your evasion strategy of letting him see his mother on his own, but unless your relationship is really strong, I fear that doing this will start to drive a wedge between you - which no doubt his family will love.

Have you considered using Skype?  If your fiance was able to set up his family on Skype, and you set yourselves up on the same, then you could enable communication without actually going into the lair of the beast, so to speak.  The beauty of this, of course, is that it is much harder to be an influence using a face-to-face program that you can just switch off when you're annoyed occasionally shuts itself down without cause.  Sheesh, computers :)

Hi Robin and welcome!  

I'm sorry to hear about this situation.  In my relationship, it is unfortunately my family that can sometimes be difficult to handle.  I've found that setting boundaries has been really important when visiting.  I typically book a hotel room in town and set some ground rules.  These rules are pretty simple but specific to problems we've had in the past (e.g. My youngest brother cannot threaten to kill me).  If any rules are broken, I go to the hotel, cool down, and decide if I'm ready to try again or if I need to leave.  In the past we'd have a big blow up and I'd storm off unexpectedly.  Now they know what I need, and if I leave they know why.  They don't always love it or understand, but it's all a lot less dramatic and easier for me to handle.

This, of course, only works because my family cares about seeing me, and because my boyfriend supports me 100%.  I'm also now in a place where I accept that I cannot make them change (and it took a while to get there).  On top of that, I've also worked really hard at building a mutual understanding and respect with my mom even though we don't always agree.

All in all these sorts of situations are always tough, and the answers will never be easy or ideal.  I can't say that what works for me will work for you, but it's one idea to mull over.  My other brother has gone the path of just cutting them out completely, but I know that he's still hurting a lot and that he wishes things were different.  Hope you and your family had a wonderful new year and best wishes to you, your fiance, and your son!

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