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Permalink Reply by Cathy Cooper on January 16, 2013 at 11:13am

Marriage is pretty much a "state of mind"--except for the legal aspects.  You are already committed, and therefore already "married."  Signing a paper to make it legal would only make life easier for you. 

The "gun shy" aspect you speak of is, as I mentioned, just a "state of mind" for you.  Nothing should change once that paper is signed, unless you believe somehow that it will.  We can and do manifest our thoughts--but we don't have to.  It's up to you. 

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on January 17, 2013 at 11:44am

My husband and I shared some beautiful secular vows. Being a married atheist doesn't mean anything to us religiously (obviously), but we found it to be a step to show eachother how much we are committed to one another. Anyway, somehow it just feels better being a wife than just a girlfriend. Kinda like, if I were a dog, I just peed on the hydrant! MY HYDRANT!

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Permalink Reply by Melvinotis on January 20, 2013 at 9:26pm

Thank you everyone for your comments, they reflect much of what has been going on in my own head. This is an intensely personal decision which I brought out into an open forum -- and I am glad I did so. I will be discussing the pros and cons with my girlfriend when the time is right, and we'll decide together what is best for us. I'm sure I'll start the conversation in a way that seems pretty traditional though.

I think that most everyone thinks of this as more than a simple contract. With or without religious baggage, it has far reaching advantages, consequences, and collateral effects. When this decision is not fully thought out, the consequences seem to win out over the advantages as we seem to find out over and over and over again.

On the other hand, no one should make the decision so dry as to be devoid of feeling and better done by an accountant. I think.

Cheers.

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Permalink Reply by Gregg R Thomas on January 21, 2013 at 10:05am

Penn Jillette just recently got a "legal" marriage to insure the "rights" of his and his wife's children.

The legal protection of the children is indeed something to consider where there are children involved or planned.

If it is just two persons involved then a well thought out legal property contract is a much better way to go then the States standard contract for obvious reasons.

But children add a much more complex set of possible circumstances that must be considered, good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Unseen on January 21, 2013 at 10:20am

Yes, when there are children or children are planned, it's prudent just plain responsible to get married. Bear in mind that, barring some problem with the character of one of the parents, the one making the most money will likely end up paying child support (in addition, potentially, to alimony) and the one with the most available time to be with the kids will likely end up with custody.

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Permalink Reply by Melvinotis on January 21, 2013 at 9:04pm

In my case the child situation is complex, and won't be helped or solved with a marriage. Nor would it be hurt, but there are feelings to consider all around.

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Permalink Reply by Gregg R Thomas on January 21, 2013 at 10:09am

I have been married once divorced once, and that my friends was more then enough for me.

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Permalink Reply by Karl Mugele on January 21, 2013 at 7:01pm

Marriage has some secular purposes too...it's not just religious.  I'm not sure about your jurisdiction but in the UK you used to get tax breaks between couples...not sure they apply anymore.

Here's some other reasons to have a secular marriage:  show commitment to one-another, your extended family and society. To have a nice day together with family and friends.  To maintain the wedding event and  paraphernalia industry ...

...well OK - can't think of much else...sorry ;-)

If you are committed to one-another, then that's what counts.  A piece of paper won't make you stay together any longer except by fear of breaking your contract, which is no real reason to stay together...the only real reason is other people's opinions.

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