I feel more comfortable sharing this here because we are anonymous.

Maybe not Anonymous, but you wouldn't know who I really was based on my profile on here, has anyone else in here actually overcome hating a parent who physically abused you?

I try and try to let it go but it always comes back in the back of my mind, and part of me still feels like it was all my fault.

Please don't say anything stupid on here, I really need to talk to someone who can relate and went through this. I don't want to use any other sort of forum because it's not sorta Anonymous like this one.

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That's a very good response man. Thank you.

Yeah, both parents beat the shit out of me until I started to win, and had to move out at ~ 16 or so.

I got married at ~ 20, started having kids myself at ~ 24, and, the first time my 4 year old was "being unreasonable", I FELT the rage well up and the urge to whack him.

It was SCARY...its like I had been TAUGHT how to raise a kid, and, ALMOST followed in my parent's footsteps...that was my FIRST reaction.

It was a sobering moment.

I cried, I thought I was a monster. Then, over time, I realized I had broken the cycle of abuse (parents, grandparents, all abusers).

I took heart at that.

I moved on.

My parents begged to see my kids, and, I refused. I didn't want them NEAR them.

Then, the KIDS wanted to see their grand parents. They wore me down, and, if supervised, I started to allow visits....and, then unsupervised as they seemed to be behaving.

There WERE a few cases where the kids told me some warning stories...but I had prepared them...so they knew the "tells".

Eventually, after some ups and downs...a new relationship was forged...and, it was actually enjoyable to visit with them, etc.

I finally (with my brother) asked WHY they used to beat us...and, they apologized, said it was how THEY were raised, and, were basically just taking out their frustrations on us.

About 10-15 years later, they changed their mind, and said they never beat us.

I think as they got older and older, they wanted their legacy with the grandkids, etc...to be "nice"....and rationalized away any conflicting memories.

They did not however ever do anything violent ever again...and my kids were fit middle aged men who could kick their geriatric butts anyway if they had.

:D

But, all that aside, my Dad is still alive, but my Mom and all of my brothers are dead...but, I have a great relationship with my Dad still to this day.

I'm glad we mended the relationship, as its made my life and my family's life richer for it.

If he had NOT changed though, no way.



Giving an abusive parent a second chance is risky, but, if you lay out the ground rules and the consequences of breaking them...and cover your bets with supervision/measures to limit damage...it can be worth it in the long run.

I had promised myself that if their "rehabilitation" was EVER found to be an act, etc...that it was OVER...no 3 strikes stuff...one = out.

:D

This is an excellent response. Definitely made me think about things in a different way.

An old friend of mine, at age 22, unexpectedly found that his girlfriend was expecting their first child. He went through a phase of wondering if he would be a good father. It turned out that his own father was violent towards him. Well, violent on a good day and very violent on a drunken day.

His mother was always too timid (or scared) to intervene so by the time he was 17 he had left home. He never spoke too much about it. His main concern was that he was going to continue the cycle of violence and he was very scared that he might not be able to have any control over himself.

I started to tell him that he had already broken the cycle because he could see that it was a cycle and that because he was talking openly about it that he had control. He also never drank alcohol or did anything his father did, even down to not supporting the same football team.

It was like a light had gone off in his head. He was never going to confuse the anger he felt towards his father for the love he would feel towards his child. He broke down in tears. As he is my friend I join him. From that day on he invested his energy in his own family. He told his father that he could see his grandkids when he apologised. He waited until he was on his deathbed to do so.

Thirty years later my friend has three grown up children, all with first class degrees (and all atheists!) and spends his time playing with his ever increasing team of grandchildren and telling them how much he loves them. No point waiting until tomorrow to do so.

That's always a silver lining... when somebody realizes what the problem is and decides to fix it. It sucks that it happened to him, but I'm very glad to hear that he had it in him to separate that from his own parenting.

I have a four-year-old daughter and I strive to make sure I don't say or do mean things to her to reflect how I was treated. I understand that feeling, there are some times my anger comes over me and it's kinda hard not to say mean things or spank her.

On the same token, as soon as you're almost at that point all you have to do is just remember how it made you feel to be treated that way. If that doesn't stop you from abusing your child mentally or physically, to remember how bad it feels, you're probably some sort of sociopathic monster.

That's one of the things that makes it sting so bad for me... both of my parents knew how they were making me feel. They had had front row seats for the majority of their lives at that point... And it didn't matter to them. To this day they are still in a pissing contest against each other at my expense.

And it's very good to hear stories of people who don't do that bullshit to their children.
I would also like to state for the record, the last time I had an outburst where I scared my child was roughly two years ago. It's never actually gotten to the point that I've spanked her. I've had to pop her butt a few times to get her attention but I've never actually hurt her. I don't feel like I'm actually going to lose control and do anything to her... But there are some times for those insecurities come back on me when I look at her and realize how wonderful she is and realize that I could never treat my creation that way. It would be wrong to mistreat any child but it would take a special kind of heartlessness to destroy your own.

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