The drive to procreate is a strong one. I'm 33 and finding that the majority of the last several years of my life it has been on my mind in some way, shape, or form. Especially over the last 3 years. 

Logically, I know it's stupid. I'm poor, and i already have one mouth to feed. I would be selfish to get pregnant. But it's not even a matter of my feelings. It's what my body is telling me to do. It's driving me nuts!!!!!!!!! 

It's something I have wanted to discuss in the past but for whatever reason just haven't brought it up. I thought that the people here would shame me. Particularly because I am a student of sustainable practices, and environmental technologies, and I UNDERSTAND - probably better than most - the reprocussions of bringing a human being on to this planet. I understand that it's stupid. 

I've lately started to even feel pressure from my son, asking about a brother/sister. It only adds to my desire. I had thought I would adopt. I may still and I still like the idea. But at the end of the day, my body is telling me to have a baby. 

I'm single, and I know the cost of childcare. Having another child would pretty much secure me in poverty. Most likely. And I'm not in a hurry to bring a man into our lives. I just want a baby.

So....I suppose this is one of those evolution things to work through. But how? How do I turn this off inside of me when it seems to actually be hurting me to keep trying to suppress it? I actually think in a lot of ways I would benefit health-wise from getting pregnant.

I don't know really what the point of this post is other than to vent my frustration with this and see if other women have gone through the same thing....

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Don't.

To elaborate, I was thinking that would be an answer to the question "Should I try that new female version of viagra, whatever it's called?".

OK, back to serious...

It's something I have wanted to discuss in the past but for whatever reason just haven't brought it up. I thought that the people here would shame me.

Sorry, it's natural (or at least common) at that age, and I just assumed it anyway! There's no judgment here, just the facts, ma'am.

If you could just find the right guy, asap... I wish you could be a more public person. OK, I have a selfish (speaking for myself) idea. How about picking a state with a constitution that prohibits atheists from running for office, run for office, and raise your visibility to a wide range of decent & successful guys out there? If you only had enough time and patience to choose from among them...

...The six states besides Maryland with language in their constitut...

If you don't have a ton of money, I think you might have to forget about adoption. If you go through an agency you're talking tens of thousands of dollars. It might be relatively cheap if you get lucky with a foster child, but I think they're generally very picky about evaluating families when placing the kids, looking for stable and sufficient income, among many other things. My cousin and her husband recently became foster parents and it was a very difficult and stressful process before they were accepted.

There's another thing about adoption that's not often talked about: adoptable children frequently have fairly severe emotional problems. Specifically issues of trust and attachment. It can be a lot of work with no payoff.

I was adopted. And yes. I do have a lot of problems. But I honestly think those problems could have been avoided if I had been brought up differently, and/or if I hadn't had so much early childhood turmoil.

Would adoption even satisfy your urge to have a baby? If, as you are claiming, it's a biologically evolved urge, I can't see how adoption or fostering would gratify it.

You're going in the right direction: Does Belle really want to give birth or does she just want more responsibility for some reason?

Belle?

@Unseen:

You know the urge men feel to have sex all the time? I would liken it to that comparison (at least in my own experience, I cannot speak for other women) to that same feeling. It's an ache that just fucking never leaves. At least during certain times of course being very strong...

It's the same feeling you get when you just want to have sex but nowhere to relieve it.

@Strega

I myself am adopted, and it would be incredibly rewarding to adopt a teenager out of foster care who is about to come of age. A child no one wants and who the system has given up on. I myself feel like an orphan in many ways, and given my life experience I feel that I could seriously be a positive influence in children/teenagers lives in this way.

That is in addition to this urge to have a baby. The urge to have a second child has been extremely strong for many years, and I've grown very weary of trying to fight it. It takes more energy to fight the urge than to give into it. So that being said, having two of my own, and taking in one or two foster kids...being a family of 5...something like that...I don't know. We'll see....

You know this discussion has made me think about a lot of things.....

We are quick to defend a woman's right to choose when it comes to terminating a pregnancy...when she decides to make the "responsible" choice...But we are quick to feel as though she is being stupid for wanting to have a baby out of an established, committed relationship. Mainly for financial reasons. I get it. the two biggest costs are housing and childcare, and even where I live, the cost of childcare is higher than housing in a lot of cases...but isn't that more of a societal issue and a policy/political issue? Why should women wanting to have children be the ones who are deemed "irresponsible" for doing what we've evolved to naturally want to do?

In my quest for understanding myself I've spent some time on other mother forums. It turn out that I am far from the only woman who is thinking the way that I am. There are MANY women who have children without a partner. I even saw an article about men talking trash about women like that. Saying a lot of horrible things, as though we are somehow damaged people. I suppose we are, but isn't the society from which we come damaged too? Isn't it a societal issue that you have now so many single women raising kids by themselves? Where the fuck is the responsibility on the men and why aren' they shamed just as harshly?

My biological mother has 2 children before me, and I was her third...I was born when she was 23. I can't help but wonder if she didn't experience very similar things that I'm experiencing now. Maybe my biological father was a one night stand, or a fleeting lover that didn't give a shit about her. Maybe that's why she gave me up for adoption, compounded by the fact that I was born premature, and my prognosis was good, but not guaranteed...

Maybe I'm so fucked up from all the shit that's happened to me that I will not be anywhere near ready to be in a real relationship for many years....but since I'm 33 and we all know that after a woman turns 35 her pregnancy risks become more complex, does it make me irresponsible for wanting to have another child before that time?

Maybe I'm in love with someone who I want to stay committed to in a sort of storybook fucked up way, but I want my son to have a sibling. Maybe when I pass away I don't want my son to mourn alone without another sibling to understand what mom meant to them. Maybe I want my son to experience what it means to have a brother/sister.

Maybe it is the biological drive that is just too powerful in my case. I've been fighting it for years and I'm tired of fighting it. When I was married my husband's family always asked when we would have a second baby...I wanted to but he didn't. He got his son and that's all he wanted...but am I less of a person for wanting a second?

When it comes to population growth, I'm aware of the issues...but two children is technically replacement when you think of a "normal family" with a mom and a dad...

I've already kissed climbing the corporate ladder, and I know the only way to truly make it is to be my own boss. I'm doing that too.

I just really wonder if we've considered when we say a woman has the right to choose, why haven't we considered a woman's right to expand her family as she sees fit, regardless of if a man is there to support her? Is it just about the welfare system? Why do we not simply find a way for ALL women to have access to affordable childcare the way other European countries have done, problem solved? The answer is that simple! But for a woman like myself to be seen as irresponsible, selfish, etc for choosing to have two kids instead of one?....Am I really being too unrealistic in saying that that's another woman shaming/blaming attitude that really isn't necessary?

If I've given up on the idea of having a man love me, I don't have to give up on my desire to have another baby and still be respected for that decision, do I?

Why isn't a woman seen as having the right to choose her family size? My choices are already limited. But this is one thing that I don't think is as horrible as people would say. Maybe it's stupid. But maybe it's not. Maybe what's stupid is the fact that my own husband chose not to love me and care about me, and now I'm on my own....but I still want that second child. And yes. I want to have the baby back that I aborted. There's that too. Why is that so wrong?

When it comes to population growth, I'm aware of the issues...but two children is technically replacement when you think of a "normal family" with a mom and a dad...

For every two-child moms there are moms in third world countries pumping out four or five. Someone has to take responsibility for bucking the trend.

From the original post: I'm single, and I know the cost of childcare. Having another child would pretty much secure me in poverty. 

Not just you, remember. Your son as well.

But for a woman like myself to be seen as irresponsible, selfish, etc for choosing to have two kids instead of one?

Apparently, according to you, you're barely providing for one. I'm not being judgmental, just wondering if you're attention to what you yourself have been saying.

One more thing, you're trying to become self-employed and I know what you're trying to do to raise money and I really don't see how the demands of a very young child who can need attention anytime during the day would be compatible with that form of employment. Suppose you're in the middle of a session and baby cries, for example?

For every two-child moms there are moms in third world countries pumping out four or five. Someone has to take responsibility for bucking the trend.

@Unseen

Yes, and in third world countries not all of them live to reproduce. Also, let's not forget that most third world countries live within the means of what the planet can provide and are NOT responsible for trashing the planet. The US and China are almost solely responsible and taking NO responsibility for it.

That being said, some individuals are. I can assure you that my own carbon, and water footprint is WAY below the US average by a  longshot. It's called zero waste living, and I do the best I can to adhere to that way of life...not completely of course, but I consume less than most Americans by the way I chose to live.

Also - you know of ONE of my business ventures. I'm simultaneously working on others.

I'm not saying one way or the other what I'm planning to do, I'm just letting you know, and playing devil's advocate for the sake of answering your questions.

I don't think that a single person here is arguing that you don't have the right to choose to have another two dozen children if that is what you wanted. But that doesn't preclude us from having an opinion on whether it is a good idea or not.

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