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Permalink Reply by Belle Rose on July 20, 2013 at 12:19pm

@Ed

For some, to know that there is a human being with your DNA, that you have no relationship with, is a hard thing to come to terms with. Pretending has a way of wearing on the human psyche.

I totally agree...but since these parents didn't want the child once they found out it had medical issues to me that means they really didn't care anyway. Right?

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Permalink Reply by Kunik Goel on July 20, 2013 at 8:17am

I believe there are difficulties in everything. In adoption and surrogacy too there are complications which are often unexpected. However, people are adopting children and some are taking help of surrogacy to complete their family.

Regards,
Surrogacy India

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Permalink Reply by Belle Rose on July 20, 2013 at 12:13pm

Something to ponder:

Now days open adoptions are very common. When a mother decides that she wants to give her child up for adoption while the baby is still in utero they make up an agreement, or a contract, whatever you want to call it...This is the day they agree on certain terms.

There are MANY instances where the mother then changes her mind. Her right to do so is valid just as it is in this scenario of surrogacy. You cannot make a "transaction" like this totally separate from human emotion. Any woman who has carried a child knows what I'm talking about. So if these parents decided they didn't want the child because it had special needs to me that says from that point forward that the woman carrying the child has the right to choose for that child any way she sees fit and any previous obligations to the couple are void and null because THEY are the ones who decided the child was not "worthy" of a chance at life. 

To me the surrogate mother in this scenario is in the same boat as a mother considering adoption. She can choose at any point to keep the child and this choice I believe is valid and should be protected by law, since the parents she was carrying the baby for didn't want it. Period.

Although I'm with you Ed. I'm perplexed why another 5K would have made a difference. To me this speaks to her underlying motivations and makes me question her ability to be a good parent and whether her heart is in the right place. There is no amount of money you could ever pay me to abort a baby inside my body. This is just for me personally. Even if I was raped and got pregnant I would carry the child to term. Again..this is MY choice. So when I see a woman negotiating her abortion price tag it makes me think her intentions aren't in the right place to be a good mother to the child anyway.

Lots of people are parent of special needs children and children with medical problems. I do not discriminate and say that one baby is more "worthy" than the next just because one has no special needs and the other one does. To me human life is valuable. The woman carrying the child had every right to carry the child to term and I personally do not like the idea that anyone whether they intended to parent the child after it was born or not, would think they have the right to tell a woman she needs to abort the child. Just as I would feel the same way if the woman wanted to abort and was told she couldn't. How dare anyone but the mother decide. Just because it's someone else's DNA doesn't mean her womb is "rented space." 

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Permalink Reply by Strega on July 20, 2013 at 12:25pm

Surrogate carrying for total strangers is a very complicated concept.  In this example, what would be the chances of the state claiming parental support money from the genetic parents?

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Permalink Reply by Belle Rose on July 20, 2013 at 3:20pm

@Strega: clarifying question...Why would the state claim money from people who aren't responsible for the child? Wouldn't this seem like the equivalent of going after biological parents who give birth to babies with special needs and then give it up for adoption?

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Permalink Reply by Strega on July 20, 2013 at 4:35pm

 In the UK it is incredibly hard to adopt a child - there are very rigorous rules that pretty much factor out anyone except young adults with jobs etc, and usually of the same genetic race of the child.  We are awful at this - we have foster children desperate for permanent homes, and would-be adopters desperate for children, yet our system is antiquated and fails to achieve its purpose.

Here in the USA, where I understand adoption was first created, you seem to be much better at it, and it is something to be proud of.

What happens (financially) when biological parents have a special needs child that they feel they can't cope with?  Does the state take legal responsibility?  If foster parents come forward, do they get paid?  How does the financial process work?

It seems to me that if you have a child, you are responsible for it.  Can people just 'give it up' because they don't want the extra burden here?

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Permalink Reply by Belle Rose on July 20, 2013 at 5:01pm

In the US whoever is legally responsible for raising the child supports it. In foster situations only, the state steps in to help until they are 18. If a child is adopted the adoptive parents are 100% responsible, even if the adoption is open.

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Permalink Reply by Strega on July 20, 2013 at 5:41pm

So in the circumstances of the OP, who pays for the child?

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Permalink Reply by Belle Rose on July 21, 2013 at 12:02pm

I don't know in this case, that's a very good question!

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Permalink Reply by Nina van der Roos on July 20, 2013 at 7:21pm

I considered being a surrogate mother for about 2 seonds before going right ahead and doing it.

My wife lost her womb when she was 20 under rather unpleasent circumstances. We went onto two adopt two children and then I had a pregnancy via IVF. Then we discovered my wife had one functioning ovary complete with eggs. From that discovery to me deciding I wanted to be a surrogate for her took me maybe five seconds. Our youngest son, her son, is now three.

I was an only child of highly dysfunctional parents, but my wife gave me real family and has allowed me to enjoy the childhood I missed via our children so to be able to give her a baby of her own in return has been the single most rewarding act of my life. From the first moment she held Joost minutes after I birthed him and I saw her face I realised just how uniquely femine is the grief experienced by the barren woman, how deep a wound it could create and how utterly lovely and beautiful the washing away of it could be.

Of course our situation was a good one for surrogacy, simple. Most are not this way, but for those who do it and complete it then they do a wonderful thing. I do not think money should change hand though, it must be done for the right reasons or the purpose is corrupted.

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Permalink Reply by Strega on July 20, 2013 at 7:25pm

it must be done for the right reasons or the purpose is corrupted.

That makes a ton of sense

It sounds as if you have a wonderful relationship with all your current family, and it also sounds as if you have both committed to each other and to your family in a very profound way.  Kudos to you all.

(also, best wishes for the birth of your newest family member!)

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Permalink Reply by Nina van der Roos on July 21, 2013 at 7:24am

Thank you Strega.
The newest member of the extended family is still hanging on, keeping us all in suspense. Late running pregnancies are something of a tradition with us, though I checked this morning & she is just starting to dilate. Carol is sitting out in the near field this afternoon, my in laws have a pregnant Belgian Plough horse there. Breechtje (the horse)will let me know when things go into high gear.

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