Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nina van der Roos on July 20, 2013 at 7:21pm

I considered being a surrogate mother for about 2 seonds before going right ahead and doing it.

My wife lost her womb when she was 20 under rather unpleasent circumstances. We went onto two adopt two children and then I had a pregnancy via IVF. Then we discovered my wife had one functioning ovary complete with eggs. From that discovery to me deciding I wanted to be a surrogate for her took me maybe five seconds. Our youngest son, her son, is now three.

I was an only child of highly dysfunctional parents, but my wife gave me real family and has allowed me to enjoy the childhood I missed via our children so to be able to give her a baby of her own in return has been the single most rewarding act of my life. From the first moment she held Joost minutes after I birthed him and I saw her face I realised just how uniquely femine is the grief experienced by the barren woman, how deep a wound it could create and how utterly lovely and beautiful the washing away of it could be.

Of course our situation was a good one for surrogacy, simple. Most are not this way, but for those who do it and complete it then they do a wonderful thing. I do not think money should change hand though, it must be done for the right reasons or the purpose is corrupted.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Strega on July 20, 2013 at 7:25pm

it must be done for the right reasons or the purpose is corrupted.

That makes a ton of sense

It sounds as if you have a wonderful relationship with all your current family, and it also sounds as if you have both committed to each other and to your family in a very profound way.  Kudos to you all.

(also, best wishes for the birth of your newest family member!)

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Nina van der Roos on July 21, 2013 at 7:24am

Thank you Strega.
The newest member of the extended family is still hanging on, keeping us all in suspense. Late running pregnancies are something of a tradition with us, though I checked this morning & she is just starting to dilate. Carol is sitting out in the near field this afternoon, my in laws have a pregnant Belgian Plough horse there. Breechtje (the horse)will let me know when things go into high gear.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Nina van der Roos on July 21, 2013 at 8:20am

Belle,

I think every potential surrogacy situation is unique and has to be taken on a case by case basis. As a midwife I would say these things;

1. Money should NOT be involved, it must be done solely from humanitarian reasons. Money corrupts, end of. The issue of "medical expenses" in countries where you have to pay vast sums to Drs and medical big business are all too often used as a way to pass payments.

2. Honesty - brutal, forthright honesty is needed from all players concerned because everyone needs to be absolutely clear where they stand, what their motives are.

3. Understand that this is a pregnancy, it is hormonally charged. Hormones have PROFOUND effects on us mentally so keep in mind German general von Hindenburg's words "No plan, no matter how well prepared, stands contact with the enemy". Feelings, opinions, entire characters will change during a pregnancy, bet on it !

4. Genes - we think these are fixed, they are not. I spend my professional life trying to re write genes to best effect. Every time I advise a mother on diet, on exercise, meditation, positive visualisation or singing during pregnancy what I am doing is manipulating genes. The parents providing the sperm and egg might think that the baby in the surrogates womb is all theirs but by the time it is born it is most definitely not ALL theirs. The surrogate will have written much to that infant's genes in everything she did and thought during the pregnancy, during the birth and in the first few hours after the birth. There is a continuing maternal hormonal exchange going on even after the cord is cut triggered by touch, sound, smell ( we are only just beginning to understand how profoundly important these exchanges are and how delicate they are). So, no matter how much the biological parents might feel that the surrogate is just the oven they need to be disabused of this notion and accept that the surrogate will have contributed to the infant and will almost certainly carry some degree of emotional investment, it will be the responsibility of all players to manage this sensitively and with humanity.

5. Termination - we do not have the craziness around termination you guys have in the states so I say this without all that baggage. Continuation of a pregnancy or not is a matter entirely for the mother carrying the pregnancy. If your surrogate finds the child will be born with problems and decides to terminate then you have to suck it up, she is carrying, it is ultimately her decision. Conversely if she continues and the biologicals want it terminated then too bad, the biologicals have to accept it and then take on their child. They started the process, they have to accept the risk in this regard.

As for Crystal Kelley and the potential parents frankly none of them come out of this well. They all made mistakes and all showed themselves to be ugly human beings and all unfit to be parents of any sort.

A midwife is privy to much as we also act as confidants to our ladies. I see many couples and families successfully help out when it comes to having children. Sometimes its a sister being a surrogate, sometimes a close friend. In many cases where the man is the infertile one I have seen friends or relatives "make arrangements" quietly and discreetly. It has been going on since mankind formed up into families. If my sister in law had needed a surrogate I would have helped her and in her turn she always made it clear that she would carry for Judith and I if needed (we do not intend to have any more kids, rest easy). These family and close friends solutions seem to stand most chance of working. I have not seen a money situation ever work.

I would urge people to consider adoption. Until I was 20 I could never see myself being a mother, then I started having contact with a real, functioning family and started to change. Then our best friend had a baby and needed help so we looked after her daughter. just before our fiend died we adopted her daughter and I started to grow into being a mother. Then we fostered a little deaf boy at social services begging and I felt my own genes change within an hour ! For all the problems he came to us with I fell in love for the second time in my life by that point. He threw a switch in me, I felt it go over with a stab in my womb and knew even as I struggled with that blonde haired, screaming, malnourished ball of of trouble that I would go on to have my own.

Anyway I have probably gone on enough and I had better go round up the kids and go check on both the expectant ones.

regards,
Nina.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Kunik Goel on August 7, 2013 at 12:58am

I feel very obsessed when I get to know any surrogate mother giving the child to the intended parents. How come they never develop attachment with the child she kept in her womb for 9 months? I think she does. But, it is just a commitment that she made to herself, she knew already that one day she has to give away the child for money. I feel very bad for them.

Regards,

Surrogacy In India

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page