So My Dad is Dying. What's an Atheist to do?
I got a phone call last night that I didn't return until this morning. My Dad is dying due to some material breaking away from his lungs and lodging in his brain (smoking). I don't know the details, but as you might expect, it's inoperable and so it's off to a final curtain call. On the good side, it isn't painful, he's just not all with it. Standard cache of answers and nothing that shows any thoughts are able to be put together. They are describing it like early Dementia.
So I'm off to take the helm of the ship. I was the closest to him years ago. We parted ways when my paternal grandmother died. Everyone thought that he would call me about her death and he never did. I called my Mom who was travelling at the time and she informed me that the funeral was the next day. It was a surreal set of circumstances that led to that being the case. He never was a man whom took responsibility in life, and that was the mother lode that broke the proverbial camels back. I cut him off for about five years and have only seen him three times since (ten years ago all three in the last five years).
My father isn't close to anyone. It's an old paternal family trait that I'm breaking intentionally. I feel like a leader in my generation of family. People look to me often and in this time, I'll be heading up to make all of the decisions. I'll call a few huddles, but it's really to do what I can to make everyone feel included. It's not that my decisions are the only right decisions, but they will be decisions and likely the same ones he would make. My aunt would opt for radiation and doing everything, only to prolong his life for her purposes. Fortunately everyone will step out of my way on this and let me deal with it. It's a benefit of growing up in a patriarchal family if you are a male. Not so much if you are female... another thing that I don't have in my house, inequality. but ladies, that means deal with your own toilet seat as well. :)
My father was a non-believer. Not a hardliner like I am, he just didn't care about religion. Much of my family is religious. Since my father didn't really care, I'm thinking that I'm going to make sure that his service includes some passages such as dust to dust to make some feel more comfortable. My wife and I don't want it for out funerals, but we are more hardline about it and everyone knows. What do you think about what I'm thinking? Should I allow the peace of mind for those left behind or be clear about who he was? I'm feeling like it wasn't on his shirtsleeve, so let my sister and aunts grieve in the best way they know how. I'd love to hear some thoughts on this.
A preemptive thanks for any sympathies. Just get to the meat of the matter. It will help me more.
Tags: Death, Funeral, non-belief
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Dave G on -
First, my deepest sympathies, Gaytor.
As for the funeral, it shouldn't be too difficult to find some phrases that are familiar to the religious without actually being religious or adhering to a religious view of the afterlife. The dust to dust phrase for example, while of a religious origin, does not necessarily imply a supernatural existence. Our bodies do indeed return to the elements from whence they came, after all.
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Permalink Reply by André T. on -
I remember that 'The amazing atheist' guy posted this poem in youtube when his father died:
Out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade
and yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find me, unafraid
It matters not how strait the gate
how charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul
"Invictus,"
by William Earnest Henley
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Permalink Reply by Philip Laureano on -
IMHO, funerals aren't made for the dead--they're performed for the living. I think that both the religious and non-religious people in your family need to have some form of closure, even if the religious closure that they seek might have no basis in objective reality. As atheists, we know that when you're dead, that's the end of it all. What matters is the people that your father leaves behind (including yourself), and if you're the one in charge, then it's probably going to be your job to make sure that both the religious and non-religious people in your family pay their respects to your father and get the closure that they all deserve in spite of your father's passing.
It sucks, but there's really no way around it.
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Permalink Reply by Regan40104 on -
I'm sorry to hear about your father. My mother died in 2006 from a long battle with cancer. We had a traditional Catholic funeral (the only exception was her cremation). Most of my family is Catholic, but myself and one of my sisters are atheists. I really resented all the religious crap. The people telling me, "she's in God's hands now" or "God must have needed her in heaven" only made me angry and took the focus off my mother. That being said, my sister and I were the only people who it bothered. Philip is right, funerals are for the living. Those closest to the person who dies should get to decide. My father wanted the Catholic funeral and so I dealt with it. It was unpleasant, but when it was over I mourned in my own way. If it won't upset you to hear the religious parts of the ceremony and it will comfort other family members, then I would do it. We all do things we don't like to help the people we love.
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Permalink Reply by MagicallyAdept on -
Well first of all I want to say send my sympathies for what you are going through, but I know that you know you have a whole community here if you ever need anyone to talk to :)
I am really close to my Dad so I would be devastated if this was to happen to me. My Dad is a fellow Atheist and we share a sick sense of humour that we turn to in times like these. When my uncle died (My Dad's best friend) a few years ago, he read some stuff at the funeral and the ones closest to my uncle burst out laughing, some probably found it offensive and sick or whatever but the ones who knew him best appreciated that is totally what he would have wanted. My Dad started off with "Well thank fuck this cunts dead, now I can shag his wife without any guilt" or something. I know I will be doing something similiar at my Dad's funeral and I would hope my freinds and family do something like that for me when I eventually die. Like you I am the leader people tend to look to after my Dad and then my Mum. But my Mum doesn't share our sense of humour but she would let me take care of things as she knows what me and my Dad are like and what we want. That is the only really important point I am making is that it is important for people to put aside what THEY want and think of what the dedeased wanted. I am lucky that my family will let me take charge on my Dad and my brother as I know them best. I will do whatever is wanted from me for anyone else; from the person what knows them best.
I know this will not help you really, I just wanted to tell that story and show people how everyone grieves in different ways albeit with my family's twisted laughing. The only instructions my family have if I die soon (accident or something) is NO priest, NO church, NO hymns, NO prayers, NO wearing black, HAVE fun.
Sorry for your bad news my friend,
MA.
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Permalink Reply by Nelson on -
hey brother, i'm so sorry. i wish you and your family all the best.
as for your question, i agree with Dave, as long as you're not going out of your way to give consolation to your family such that you add overtly religious elements that your dad would object to philosophically then i see no reason why you can't include some innocuous vague phrases like dust to dust.
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Permalink Reply by Gaytor on -
Thanks everyone. Andre' the poem might be stolen in the coming weeks. Jean Marie, I like the science idea. I'll have to see how my sister feels, but we are the only ones that really get a say.
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Permalink Reply by Misty: Baytheist Living! on -
Hey babe,
The problem with being the guy calling the shots (whether you asked to be that guy or not) is that you um.. call the shots. Taking everyone's considerations into account is a big thing of you. Good job.
Talk to your sister. See what she wants. Find and draw a fine line between comforting your family and respecting his wishes.
-Not that he'll care.
If you decide to donate his body to science, I wouldn't even bother telling the rest of your family (or any of those that might oppose the thought.) about it. What they won't know can't hurt them, and what doctors can learn might save lives.
Just my 2 cents.
No matter what you do, it will be the right thing. Have no doubt. If you have to make the tough calls, then they have to respect the tough calls.
If you ever want to chat, my email is open to you.
It always is, anyway.
Take care, man.
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Permalink Reply by Andrew Davidson on -
Hi, new to the site and this post caught my eye.
I know it doesn`t help, as I do not know you or your father, but my condolences anyway.
My father, as with the rest of the men in my family, have all passed away of cancer. As I am the only (honest) atheist in my family, the funeral was in a church with all the religion that goes with it.
I will say this, I wish it was in a different place, but I got to choose the music (non religious), and we had him cremated, and that was for me a much easier choice to deal with. We went to his place of birth in Scotland and spread the ashes in a river he used to swim in as a child. It was free from any ancient madness, and just me and the closest members.
A nice way of using psychology to remember our loved ones by is to keep a picture hanging somewhere close to your bed, and If you want to try something extra, find a sample of any perfume they wore or a particular smell you associate with them, spray a bit on your mid day, and look at the picture before you sleep. I have no scientific empirical evidence to back this up right now; but apparently it can cause you to dream about them, which is, in my blasphemized opinion, the only way one can ever "see" or "touch" them again.
Stay strong, days go on.
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Permalink Reply by Wesley on -
Gaytor,
Sorry to hear about your dad.
I lost my dad in 2004. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about him. Only YOU know your family and the best way to handle this. I think you are doing the right thing.
I'm sure you can find things that everyone can appreciate and respect.
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Permalink Reply by Aric on -
Sorry to hear about that, Gaytor.
I would suggest that you include some minor religious rituals (e.g. "ashes to ashes, dust to dust") to comfort your religious family members. However, if you're not entirely comfortable with anything religious being used but still want to comfort your religious family members just get something that sounds slightly religious.
On the issue of medical treatments, I would definitely be against extending his life if his memory is gone. I've had family members with Alzheimer's and it is incredibly difficult to deal with. When their memory goes, they become an entirely different person.
I hope my advice helps a little bit.
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Permalink Reply by Pinko Commie on -
Hey Gaytor -
I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died two years ago on Feb 7th and it was devastating for our family. I struggled with a lot of the same issues you seem to be struggling with when my dad died, but I think we made the right choices for everyone who attended and for him.
My dad was an atheist but he was also pretty distant from everyone in his family except me, my sister and our mom. A few of his siblings came and we had no idea what their beliefs were, so when we planned for the funeral we decided simply to leave some time open for anyone to say anything. We didn't say anything religious because it would have been hypocritical of us and we all know dad well enough to know that he wouldn't have liked it. His sisters, however, didn't know him well as an adult but loved him dearly just the same and we felt like they deserved the chance to express whatever they needed to express too.
He had a military burial which included some bible reading and I struggled up to the day with whether or not I was going to ask the military guys to skip the god stuff, but in the end it didn't really matter too much. I thought it would bother me but it didn't. It was almost like I was sharing a private joke with my dad one more time since he always thought the religious treatment of death was entirely ridiculous and the military's infusion of religion was ridiculously hypocritical. We let anyone who wanted to say something speak and a few people said prayers, but we also told stories and my sister and I even sang a song. It didn't seem like anyone felt like they were left out or called out and I think my dad would have been happy with it.
The only thing I personally made sure of what that his cache plaque - he was cremated - had the atheist symbol on it. I felt like my dad would have really liked that so that's what I made sure of. If you have anything that you feel really matters or is really important, see that through. The rest is stuff that will most likely fade to the back of your memory quickly once the funeral passes. Good luck.
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