"Unless you're gay, a minority, or atheist."
I think you're one up on the French in that their engendered 'fraternité' is fine, but a bit outdated, perhaps. Where I think the French are one up on you is the explicit inclusion of 'égalité'. While 'equality' may not be the best word, I think you need some third concept which acknowledges that humanity and freedom can both be monstrous with no ideal toward which to apply them or by which to temper them.
Also, comma fucker that I am, it should be a semicolon between the two clauses.
(edited because I seem to always type 'idea' when I mean to type 'ideal')
buy two get one free
How about, "America...Fuck Yeah!"
How about, "Will trade corn for oil... that is until Yellowstone blows. Then you can grow your own fucking corn,":