I know in this group we have very creative minds and in the interests of entertainment and creativity, we could do a biography of Satan.

For the purposes of this exercise, we will assume Satan exists and we will start from where he [let us just say it is a he] was born, educated, his achievements, failures and if he did any writings, we will look at his family, where he grew up and what trades he learnt.

Go to work friends and lets us build a good biography for the antagonist.

Tags: Art, Satan, biographies, creativity

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I believe that Satan was conceived during a gang rape of a Canaanite girl during the Jewish conquest. Unfortunately, the young Satan was given a linen and woolen garment by his Uncle Mephisto.

"Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." -- Leviticus 19:19

By his early 20's he was only able to grow a cheesy beard and thus was sent to Hades Community College where he first heard some heavy metal. He graduated with a degree in marketing and began a career tempting fundamentalists christian preachers to have homosexual experiences, however this proved to be no challenge and he soon became bored. Next he.....

I can't wait for the part where he entered politics --

(Someone's been watching Freddy Kruger movies!)

Satan became so busy writing contracts offering rewards, such as party stardom and even baseball stardom, that he outsourced the research. Some of his researchers did shoddy work and gave him the contact info for people who had friends in the legal profession. Daniel Webster was one of the many lawyers who persuaded judges to rule Satan's contracts invalid.

Tom are you saying Satan became jobless after outsourcing? Terrible indeed!

Actually I expect that humans have become much better at doing satans job, but without all that magical hocus pocus.

Could it have been when gods came down to have some action with the maidens? The Caananites come on the scene quite late, don't you think.

I hope he didn't disappear between age 12 and 30, he must have attended school somewhere, worked some night shift and got a girlfriend in between

Much like jesus, very little is known of satan's early years. Halloween was the only time he felt accepted. He tried comb-overs, ala Donald Trump, but even little red horns are hard to hide. You know how high school is all about cliques. Ever try showing up to band with a tail?

Some of Satan's offspring can be found in the Vatican, attending services at Westboro Baptist Church, in the Republican Party, and in Salt Lake City.

Can Satan's offspring cast off their propensity for mischief, with a proper hormonal balance?

..Next Satan.became a program manager for TV and introduced dozens of popular reality shows. Satan did this just to make it easier for God to see what his sheep were really doing (since God is busy hiding all those fossils.) Well, it turns out that God became a huge fan. He especially likes "Pawn Stars" because it reminds him of all the wheeling and dealing back when Catholics used to pay for forgiveness. Satan was like "God is such a freak, you just never what he will do next"

Since Satan's plan backfired, he went to Vegas to lay low for a while and also to enjoy the hot weather. While there he did a little consulting work for Circus Soleil and got to meet Al Pacino (one of his favorite actors). Then...

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Posted by Quincy Maxwell on July 20, 2014 at 9:37pm 13 Comments

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