A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem and while there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought for a while then told the undertaker he would have his wife sent home. The undertaker asked, “Why spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you could spend $150 to have her interred in an historic place like Jerusalem.”
The man relied, “Some people think that a man died here, was buried here and there days later he rose from the dead. I don't really believe it but I just can't take that chance.”
This is more political than Religious but who cares, it's funny.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.”
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Jesus is walking down the road, carrying his cross. It’s a hot day and he’s thirsty. He walks by a Hovel.
Guy standing in front of the Hovel says, “Hey, man, ain’t you Jesus Christ?”
Jesus says, “Yeah, that’s me, man.”
Guy says, “Hey, that cross looks real heavy, Jesus.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, man, it’s a real pain in the ass. Hey, you got some water?”
Guy says, “Sure,” and gets a dipperful of water and hands it to Jesus.
Jesus leans his cross against the wall of the hovel, drinks the water, says, “Thanks, man.”
Guy says, “No problem, Jesus. Hey, you want a cigarette?”
Jesus says, “Sure, man, a cigarette would hit the spot right about now.”
Guy pulls out a packet of Raleighs, takes two out, hands one to Jesus, puts the other in his mouth. Strikes a match, lights Jesus up, then himself. They smoke for a minute.
Then Jesus says, “Yeaaaaah, man. That’s a good smoke. Love that good Raleigh flavor. Say, man, do you save the coupons?”
Guy says, “You want the coupon? Sure, Jesus, that’s cool.” He takes the coupon out of the pack, hands it to Jesus, who puts it in his pocket. Guy says, “Say, Jesus, I didn’t know you saved Raleigh coupons.”
Jesus says, “Of course I save the coupons! How the hell do you think I got the cross?”