Religious Jokes - Got Any Good Ones To Share?
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem and while there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought for a while then told the undertaker he would have his wife sent home. The undertaker asked, “Why spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you could spend $150 to have her interred in an historic place like Jerusalem.”
The man relied, “Some people think that a man died here, was buried here and there days later he rose from the dead. I don't really believe it but I just can't take that chance.”
The man thought for a while then told the undertaker he would have his wife sent home. The undertaker asked, “Why spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you could spend $150 to have her interred in an historic place like Jerusalem.”
The man relied, “Some people think that a man died here, was buried here and there days later he rose from the dead. I don't really believe it but I just can't take that chance.”
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Fargone on -
15 ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
1.Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
2.Thursday Night--potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7.Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
8.Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Societywill meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
9.Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, pleases see the minister in his study.
10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11.The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12.Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpeting. Those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be, "What is Hell." Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Permalink Reply by Fargone on
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With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god."
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god."
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Permalink Reply by Fargone on
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A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1
handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing.
At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?
" Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up. A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1
handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing.
At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?
" Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.
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Permalink Reply by Pam on -
Not really a joke, but I still think it's funny. :-)
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."
~ Voltair
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Permalink Reply by Fargone on
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Imagine the jokes Voltaire could have written if he hadn't had the Catholic church looking over his shoulder and breathing down his neck. Still did a damn good job of poking fun at religion and royalty while trying to avoid (not always successfully) going to jail for stepping over the line.
With the exception of Dutch and Swedish cartoonists, few people in Western society have to physically fear offending someone through sarcasm and humour though that wasn't always the case. In America, the harassment and jailing of Lenny Bruce for violation of "decency" laws had a very strong effect on a young George Carlin, everyone's favorite atheist comedian.
Humorists and satirist have always played a strong role in breaking down taboos. Unfortunately, many have also paid a terrible price for doing so. Oscar Wilde leaps to mind.
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Permalink Reply by Fargone on
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean .. .'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
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