Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Wassabi on April 6, 2011 at 10:16am

"Nor do I have a problem with him obsessively fantasizing over another woman. These are merely sexual interests"

Becky, i think your ability to completely separate sex from emotion is a very rare one on this planet. sexual infidelity is a big deal specifically because humans for the most part (me included ) are unable to detach the two. sex without any emotional attachment whatsoever seems impossible to me- on the biological level. and our difference of opinion probably stems from a real biological difference between us.

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on April 6, 2011 at 10:44am

Hmmm. Interesting ;) I thought many people would agree that love and sex have nothing to do with eachother.

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Permalink Reply by Big Fella on April 6, 2011 at 3:51pm

Ditto. 

I would like to believe that this is definitely not proven to be a biological difference. Really, the amount of people I know that have friends with benefits that are quite capable of separating love and sex is very high.

Funny enough, among my religious friends they all seem to believe that the two cannot be separated.  This to me seems to indicate a cultural component, not a biological. 

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on April 7, 2011 at 2:06am

I definitely see it as a cultural thing. I wonder if jealousy is a big issue where polygamous realtionships are the norm.

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Permalink Reply by Big Larr on May 12, 2011 at 11:01pm

I don't believe that sex and emotion are are inseperable at all.  Having an emotionally void sexual relationship with someone (whether for the night or as "friends with benefits") is not rare at all.  I have had plenty of sexual experiences through the years in which there was no emotional attachment.  Casual sex, as it were.

Emotions don't come into play until it becomes a true question of "cheating" on a significant other.  While you may not have any emotional attachment to the person you may be cheating with there IS an emotional aspect involving your otherwise monogamous relationship, and by betraying that trust (which if nothing else, is usually a mutual agreement NOT to screw other people) you have now created an guilt-driven emotional response.

If one is choosing to be monogamous for moral reasons, and not for logical ones, then this guilt is usally enough to prevent that person from being unfaithful.  However, I know many people that love their spouses unconditionally, even "in love" with them, yet can rationalize sleeping with random people on occasion. 

I personally don't think this way, since I never had the ability to hurt someone in that manner; if I'm considering sex with another person it's time to break it off as far as I'm concerned.   

Any relationship is a series of agreements and understandings, as well as the willingness to make a few sacrifices.  We are, however, hard-wired to ultimately do what's best for ourselves and self preservation makes us selfish in the end. 

Which brings some of us (finger pointing directly at myself) to the point that we no longer prefer the emotional attachment and sacrifice required to have a relationship, and would rather have a series of relatively emotionless sexual encounters to quell our innate need for sexual gratification.

Separating emotion and sex may be difficult for you personally, but it's certainly not rare. 

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Permalink Reply by Dustin on April 7, 2011 at 8:55pm

Well if it is behind the partners back , then I think it is cheating. Ideally though I would find a partner that would encourage the openness and participate herself if she wanted too.

My main point is that having sex with multiple women does not make the love you have for the one you are with any less.

You can have dinner with another woman , you can play tennis with another woman , you can have sex with another woman. I don't see how sex is any different than spending time with another woman in other ways.

LoL at porno being a 'no no' to Christians. They need to get out more =)

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Permalink Reply by Gaytor on April 6, 2011 at 10:59am

Porn is about either getting in the mood or masturbation as I see it. I've only met a couple of women in my life that have the same drive as me. So there is a choice to be made. Either I can walk around thinking about every woman that I see, or I can take a bullet out of the chamber and not have that desire to see everyone naked. In short,
TDLR: Either I cheat, or masturbate. Your call.

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Permalink Reply by Sophie on April 7, 2011 at 11:47am

I laughed Gaytor.

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Permalink Reply by Christine M on April 6, 2011 at 1:35pm

Becky, I always enjoy your posts. They certainly generate conversation.

I would classify cheating as the actual physical act, (kissing, oral, intercourse etc.) but would not consider pornography as cheating. Perhaps my position might be impacted if my partner were to spend hours on end with it thus stealing time away from the two of us. I think that pornography rests in more of the fantasy category and is alright. My partner is free to partake in pornography regardless of hetero, gay, bi, tans, formats. If it floats your boat it might just spice up the relationship.

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on April 7, 2011 at 2:13am

Thank you :)

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Permalink Reply by L. on April 6, 2011 at 5:37pm

within the relationship i am in currently, cheating was discussed at the beginning.  we took in consideration each others sexual preferences and needs.  it came down to 'if you get to do it, i get to do it.  so if you dont want me to do it, dont do it yourself.  if you want something im not giving you, ask me for it first.'

 

the only way i can see this kind of backfire is when im attracted to a girl.  my bf cant grow a vagina for me to play with, amiright?...but it really hasnt come up, either.  thats where the porn/fantasies/cybering comes in. 

and i think that when people have an issue with pornography in a relationship, it has to do with their own insecurities.  you have to seek out the insecurities and figure out where they come from.  in a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about that with your partner, and moreover, your partner should be helping to dissolve those insecurities.  your insecurities shouldnt be getting WORSE in a relationship.  if theres an issue, you need to discuss it or gtfo...personally, id rather learn my boundaries before i get into something, than learn them after ive already crossed them and am in the crossfire.  plus, that allows me the ability to decide if i even want to continue with the quest.  knowwhatimsayin?

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Permalink Reply by M on April 6, 2011 at 5:40pm

Cheating...  Hm.  I would personally not touch another person in a sexually intended way out of respect to my spouse, so I would expect the same from him.  However, no qualms about porn or even strip clubs.  I'm not a very jealous person, and I actually think I would be more jealous if my husband formed a very close emotional attachment with another woman rather than a sexual one.

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