Pornography
Since my discussion on monogamy, I have realized that most of you think that cheating is wrong and monogamy is the only way to go (unless, of course, you have an agreement with your partner to be open).
I would define cheating as sexual stimulation, whether it be oral or just plain out intercourse, by someone other than your partner. Some say that watching pornography is cheating. I guess I can understand that, in some cases, porn could cause a partner to fantasize more about the women/men in the videos and find themselves less attracted to their partner.
My question to all of you is:
What do you define as cheating? And, more importantly, Is pornography cheating (especially if the spouse doesn't approve of it)?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by AaronR on -
Cheating has to do with anything you knowingly do that weakens the integrity of a relationship. These are different things for different couples. For some couples sex doesn't necessarily hold any emotional attachment, and no amount of extramarital relations really weakens the relationship. For most, it does. It's a case-by-case, IMO
And I also think that porn is awesome :D
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Emmaly Burgett on -
Cheating can be an act or a thought... i do think that at some point everyone will cheat on someone or at the very least...think about cheating on someone, it's natural... and i respect anyone who will admit they aren't perfect and that they've made mistakes. You just have to learn from your mistakes. I personally do believe that porn is a form of cheating... I've had many arguments about this topic surprisingly and i rarely have anyone that agrees with me.... until they experience it. Men in particular tend to disagree strongly. I personally am very offended by the thought of the man i love thinking about another woman sexually and/or watching another (typically better looking) woman get fucked by an ugly but very endowed man. I am not ignorant... i realize that some women like porn and may even watch it with their partner or on their own time and that's fine... whatever does it for you. It is just my personal opinion that porn is gross and insulting.... and If i looked at guys and pleasured myself to the thought of other guys then the man i love would be just as offended. I also know from experience that... in my relationships... if i'm really happy with a person i never think of anyone else in a sexual way. All relationships are different but i could never be with someone who watched porn while they were involved with me.
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Permalink Reply by Fred H on -
At the risk of being offensive, it is likely that you have been, or will be, with a man who uses porn. You have most certainly been with a man who fantasizes about other women while masturbating. A study showing men who orgasmed 21 times a month had healthier prostates. Lets be honest, They weren't having sex those 21 times. And they werent thinking about the same woman each of the 21 times. Being sexually aroused by someone other than your spouse is natural and normal. And the same goes for women. A woman does not have to feel ashamed that the trainer at the gym makes her horny, nor does she have to feel bad about being aroused by guys at the office. She certainly does not have to feel ashamed about taking matters into her own hands. And lets be honest, the difference between getting turned on by a guy at the gym or a guy on the tv naked is a difference of style only. getting fired up is getting fired up.
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Permalink Reply by Philip Jackson Armstrong on -
My ex-wife and I used to tell each other our fantasies about other people during sex. WOW! The cool thing is even now that we are divorced, we are still friends and can talk very intimately. I can't wait to hear about it if she ever gets a sex life again, because I know she will tell me all the details in a away meant to arouse me.
The point being thinking and doing are not related and being able to tell your partner what you what you fantasize about, is the highest level of intimacy.
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Permalink Reply by Jewelz on -
What do you define as cheating? And, more importantly, Is pornography cheating?
We all live and love differently. What I consider cheating is not the same for everyone, nor do I believe it should be. We all have different needs and draw different lines in the sands of our relationships that will cause trust to be broken if crossed. Trust is a funny thing. It takes a long time to build up and only a moment to break, regardless of where you draw that line. My set of relationship rules is no better or worse than any other set, and my rules aren't set in stone.
That being said, personally, I'm a serial monogamist. I've never been sexually aroused by someone I didn't have a deep emotional connection with and I can't imagine ever being ok with the thought of my partner having sex with someone else while we're together. Sex and love are intimately interconnected for me. Sex without love is empty and unfulfilling. I get more satisfaction from my showerhead than from a loveless sexual encounter.
As for porn, my feelings on that have changed quite a bit over the years. After being in a relationship with a raging pornaholic, I can assure you that there are definitely situations where porn can make you feel cheated on. I have no moral objections to porn. It just doesn't turn me on (quite the opposite actually) so I don't enjoy watching it with a partner (though I have in the past for partners who enjoyed it) and I don't think I could ever be happy with a partner who just HAD to look at porn on any kind of regular basis.
I'm very open when it comes to sex. I have a lot of friends in the sex industry. I enjoy going to adult conventions. I have an incredibly high sex drive (higher than my partners), an arsenal of sex toys, a stripper pole in the bedroom, and I'm a minx in the sack. I make sure my partners know it's ok to sneak home for lunch for a quickie or wake me up if I'm asleep, so I really don't see the need (or time!) for sneaking around to watch porn unless he and I are away from each other for a while. In that situation porn is understandable, but even then, I'd prefer to just make my own and send it to him.
FSM bless technology.
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Permalink Reply by Rose on -
People are entitled to their thoughts. If I had fantasizes about having an orgy with 100 other people, it would be *my* business and no one else's. If I had fantasies about having sex with animals, children, inanimate objects, and old people while being in a role playing fantasy about being a dungeon mistress involving whips, chains, and bondage ... there is not a goddamn thing that anyone would be able to do to stop me and it wouldn't be their place to stop me. Even if they thought that my thoughts were wrong, as long as I didn't try to molest, rape, or do any harm of any kind to anyone else based on those thoughts, then it doesn't matter. I could masturbate a million times over those thoughts and it still wouldn't be wrong nor anyone else's business. If my partner didn't like it, then I'd have to break up with him/her for trying to infringe upon my rights as a human being. What goes on in a person's head is private unless they choose to disclose their thoughts. So even if someone is looking at porn and wishing they were having sex with that person, it shouldn't be considered cheating anymore than having a fantasy about riding on a unicorn through fluffy white clouds while their favorite song plays in the background. People have thoughts about various things all the time and it is their right to. Actions are what should be considered cheating. And if someone contests that masturbating is cheating, then we'd have to go into how one has the right to be in control of their own damn body. But I'm tired of typing, I'll leave it at that.
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Permalink Reply by Wesley on -
my partner doesn't want me to eat a cookie.... we are on a diet and she can't eat one and doesn't want me to eat one either......but I can't help it. I keep fantasizing about that cookie!.... I can't think about anything else because I know I'm not supposed to...but I GOTTA HAVE THAT COOKIE! Now is it better to just eat the damn cookie or is it better to just think about eating it?
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Permalink Reply by Gold Guy on -
This goes back to the idea of "cheating." Cheating has traditionally meant physical sex acts outside of a monogamous relationship. If you stretch the concept to include thoughts, feelings, and/or fantasies, then these restrictions MUST be explicit. If not then you are just engaging in a mutual game of sadism. ;-)
Without clear definitions of what is acceptable behavior (what is cheating) you fall into an infinite blame game based on vague standards.
If you both agreed not to eat cookies, then the standard is clear. Don't eat cookies. Unless thinking about cookies was defined as cheating, I would think of cookies all day long.
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Permalink Reply by Jon Heim on -
i think it's only cheating if you're spouse does not approve of it. i think that's really all you have to worry about, offending the one you're with. if my fiance was offended if i hugged a friend that was a girl, i suppose it might be considered cheating. it's a good thing though that she isn't that petty.
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Permalink Reply by Sam King on -
I think it's all in the relationship.
I personally asked my fiance to stop watching porn about six months into our relationship because he couldn't stop trying to get me to do things he'd seen in porn, despite the fact that I kept saying that I was uncomfortable with most of them. If I were to find out he started again, I would certainly feel hurt. It would likely damage our sex life as well. It wouldn't be as bad as him actually going out and sleeping with another woman, but it would be bad.
That being said, I've been in plenty of relationships where I didn't mind the guy watching porn because they never let it affect us being us. They might once or twice suggest something new, but they would never pressure me and if they determined a general area of sex play I wasn't into, they'd avoid it entirely. I never minded walking in and catching them watching porn, I'd just leave them to it.
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Permalink Reply by TDM on -
cheating is breaking an agreement, a pre aranged agreement by two or more parties, not one person assuming that their partner is not going to seek sexual pleasure from someone else. if their is no agreement then there is no cheating.i think the world, even the athiest world does not really know how to seperate the (bible world) from the real world. When you take up a position against pornography it almost always comes from religion or the residue left by religion. Even if you are claiming to be an athiest. I feel that alot of people have got tired of the crap that the church spews out and have sought their own way in this world and are starting to gravitate toward reason and the social clubs that support reason but many still hold on to ( beliefs or values) that come from the very place they are trying to escape. To have any negitive veiw on pornography, in my opinion, is to embrace a religious veiw on the subject wether religious or not. To regulate a person's attire is censorship. Think about muslim's and the full body outfit that their women are forced to wear. I am afraid that there is no practial application for that outfit, really. If a woman is without her (costume) she could be stoned to death and i dont mean with the cronic. Now take a society that lives in a tropical climate, we have all seen them on National Geographic, the women are all barely clothed, breasts all out in the sun, is this pornography? I should think not. I realize you are probably talking about the pornography that comes out of San Fernando Valley or Chatsworth CA. The kind on the Vivid network but i feel that you cannot talk about it objectivly unless you talk about all of it. Its like this, if no body told you being naked was ( bad ) we wouldn't be having this conversation( i am not talking about you personally i mean you as meaning people. Cheating is breaking a contract regaurdless of religion, if the two parties said no porn and entered into the agreement with that up front then no porn , but is porn bad , i should think not, nothing could be more natural. It doesn't take a very big lesson in biogoly to understand that everything every speices on this planet does is directly related to the reproduction of that speices and to try to regulate that drive from a religious standpoint is absurd just like everything else religion does. I am all for porn, i think women are beautiful and i enjoy veiwing the ones who choose to show themselves. When i see a woman i find atractive i often wonder what she looks like naked, does this mean i am a bad person , i should think not. My thots Are my thots and nobody on this planet has the right to regulate them. Growing up in a catholic house i was always fighting with the guilt put on me by the idiots who run that crazy outfit. The nuns and the preists saying i was going to hell for having " bad thots " give me a fucking break. I feel all of the crazy crap that people dont fully understand in the world is just that, NOT UNDERSTANDING. We need to be sure that the veiwpoints we have on serious social issues are ours and not pre-ordained or passed down or forced. An idea thats is gently forced on you is still forced..
Side note, porn doesnt lead to pedophilia just like you cannot catch " gay " from somebody. if you are a pedophile you are a pedophile and looking at porn or not does not change this fact...
Good stimulating post, thank you
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