Since my discussion on monogamy, I have realized that most of you think that cheating is wrong and monogamy is the only way to go (unless, of course, you have an agreement with your partner to be open).
I would define cheating as sexual stimulation, whether it be oral or just plain out intercourse, by someone other than your partner. Some say that watching pornography is cheating. I guess I can understand that, in some cases, porn could cause a partner to fantasize more about the women/men in the videos and find themselves less attracted to their partner.
My question to all of you is:
What do you define as cheating? And, more importantly, Is pornography cheating (especially if the spouse doesn't approve of it)?
Cheating is in my mind giving a part of yourself to someone else that your partner would rather have, as long as that partner is not asking too much(and each person has to define that limit).
I've heard that in Japanese culture that as long as a sexual encounter is paid for, in the majority's mind, it's not cheating. I guess one has to separate sex from love somewhere. We have opposable thumbs, do we not?
But, in the end, we're still animals that spend a good amount of our times thinking about copulating or landing a mate that we think will provide the best chance for our offspring to survive... but I digress.
The question is... if your partner catches you? Do you stop? You have to be pretty comfortable with it not to. I do. Stop, that is.
If your other is under the impression you are not watching and you are it's a deception/lie. The magnitude, of course, may be slight for you (or your partner) but its a lie none-the-less. "Cheating", to me, carries a connotation of much greater weight. I suppose the degree to which your partner, upon discovery of the lie, would react and lose their faith/trust in you is the important thing.
Supposedly, (nearly)every body fantasizes -- even Jimmy Carter.
Cheating is when you break the rules for your advantage. What are the rules? If you're in a monogamous relationship, then sleeping around outside that relationship would be cheating. There are many people in open relationships where this is expressly okay. The same behavior would not be cheating.
I wouldn't consider porn cheating, unless I represent myself to my partner as someone who doesn't view porn, and if it's important to my partner.
I think "cheating" in a marriage context is breaking one's marriage vows. You vow to remain faithful and to forsake all others. Looking at porn is not cheating as you have had no contact with the actor or model depicted. If it was cheating, so would be checking out the nice ass of a stranger on the street.
My wife and I occasionally look at porn together. Are we cheating? Of course not!
Cheating is whatever someone decides it is. Like morality, it emerges from experience and argument between people. I know folks who get jealous of their partner has a deep conversation with someone else, and I know folks who don't get jealous if their partner fucks openly with other people. Trying to define it for everyone seems silly to me. I masturbate more frequently than my wife and I think about or watch whatever I do when I do - as does she when her time rolls around. We each have had our little crushes over the years, but we agreed on certain parameters early on and we have stuck to them. We celebrate 26 years together this month, so the proof ins in the pudding.
Personally, I feel that these questions really come down to how much your ego drives your ideals, really. It's quite a bit of self grandiosity to suppose your partner lusts exclusively for you, after all. You can make them say they do but , again, that is for your ego, not a reflection of who they are. They may even come to resent you for it. People may benefit from learning to relax and live outside their own little mental empire a bit.
I have been in one relationship for over thirty years. It has long come to pass that we have dealt with this issue many times. We finally arrived at a place that we are at today. I hope everyone gets there. I love her with every bit of me. I have "cheated" on my wife, she on me. Never once did I love her less. It was never about us. However, I had promised not to do so, that is the real offense.
Today we both hold a promise. that is that her best interests are always in my heart. she holds the same for me. specifics really don't need to come up.
Actually, we both kinda dig porn.
I define cheating as both physically and emotionally betraying your partner or wandering outside of the set guidelines that you both established in the relationship. It varies from couple to couple. Personally, I don't mind if my partner watches porn. I watch porn myself and it would be really hypocritical if I didn't allow them to watch porn LOL. Honesty is key, my friend. I would probably join them!
I love porn. It's healthy. If a person needs to watch porn outside of their marriage then maybe their sex life needs a bit of an upgrade. Cheating or not, finding your partners porn stash might not give you the confidence you need. I think sexuality, especially in marriage has to be exposed for the good of it. Its not the porns fault, its the marriages fault for not addressing the biological need for sex.