Please Help! Confusion, Disturbing Nightmare, and Still Trying to Adjust to Life as an Atheist
I know that what I am about to talk about may not be pleasant to hear about, and I sincerely hope I don't make any of you angry (although I don't know why I should). But recent events have brought about an upsetting problem that I can't shake, and for reasons that will soon become obvious - but I will outline them below anyway - I can't confide in my theist family about this problem... they would not understand and would most likely gain false hope of me "returning to the fold" - I most certainly will not!
Let me begin this way:
I would have thought that after 7 years after I lost my faith, and after 3 years of being an admitted atheist, that I would have settled all the "adjusting period" emotional and social problems that I had... you know... dealing with the confusion of having the thing that you based your life on (devotion to God) disappear, dealing with confusion and uncertainty about what being an atheist would mean for me and my life (besides lacking belief in God - although that may be the most basic definition - we all know that being an atheist in the United States of America has far more practical issues and implications and hard choices about how you will go forward with your life), dealing with anxiety about who to "come out" to and when (if at all), dealing with confusion and new difficulties over how to live in a society that makes no room for non-believers and - even worse - rejects them and sometimes demonizes them, dealing with the friends and family that don't understand, may try to "win you back", may ask you (with that inevitable look of concern and worry) "What happened? Do you hate god? Did you stop coming to church/ stop believing in God because something bad happened? Are you depressed/ angry? Was it something I did? I REALLY want to know if I did something to hurt you so much that you took out your anger at me on God! Do you need someone to talk to, because I know a pastor/ priest/ rabbi/ etc. that I think you should talk to! He/she can REALLY help you in your time of darkness." (What I was thinking at the time: Ummm... my "time of darkness" is for an entirely different reason than you think! It's not something that anyone did! My faith just collapsed and my world is falling apart around me!), also... you have to deal with the friends and family that reject you because they can't deal with your atheism.
I thought I was through all that... now I'm not so sure.
You see... I have been going through a hard time... and sometimes I desperately wish that God was real and prayer worked so that I could have some relief from my pain... even though I am fully aware that all that is a fantasy.
But something happened last night that really got me to wondering whether I am REALLY over my period of darkness and confusion and made me desperate for some advice from fellow non-theists who wouldn't try to do what my theist friends and family would inevitably do - interpret it as a sign that I wanted/ needed God back.
You see, I had a rather disturbing nightmare that I can't shake. When my Christian mother asked what the dream was about, I couldn't tell her... so I lied and said that I didn't remember. In reality... how could I forget?
The nightmare took place at my old church that I grew up in. I haven't been there in a very long time although, the other day, I passed one of my old friends, a youth pastor, as I was driving down the road. She and her husband both smiled and waved at me.
In the dream, I remember that the old church that I had loved so much was decrepit. It was falling apart at the seams bricks missing, the steeple was gone, and the floors inside were dusty and bare. The main pastor and the rest of the staff was leaving the building through the back entrance with grim, pale, sad faces. Some were crying. The reverend told me that the church had gone bankrupt and that it had been sold to a local atheist group. - I didn't know what to make of that - As soon as they were gone, a group of atheists I had never met before - but that seemed to know me - entered the building and started partying, putting up anti-theistic signs and banners all over the church and leaving popped balloons and confetti on the floor. The place was a mess. Everyone was smiling and laughing and inviting me to join in. But I didn't want to. I remember that I sat on the floor of the sanctuary and cried. I was not crying about God, I was remembering all the friends I had made there, all the various fun activities I had participated in over the years, and all the broken, forlorn faces of my friends that had left in silence after emptying their offices. I felt like a piece of my childhood that I kept close to my heart had been destroyed. I wasn't angry at the atheists, I felt confused and sad. I had no desire to join in on the anti-theist party... I just wanted to cry.
I woke up from the dream feeling disturbed and not knowing what it meant. Can any of you help me figure out what is going on? Have you had similar experiences? How have you dealt with them?
This was just a dream, but it also made me wonder why I would have a dream like that.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Skycomet the Fallen Angel on -
I feel sad for a certain set of believers nearly all the time. My family has only one other "godless" individual (a Jewish agnostic in my extended family). I live with my mother and father and sister and I watch them go through their religious rituals every day and every once in a while (usually twice a month or so) my mother will ask me if I want to come to church with her with a hopeful expression on her face. I feel sad and frustrated for them because I can see that they are in pain, but I can't do anything about it. My sister actually burst into hysterical sobs once because she was so scared of her "sin." When my father lost his job I watched the whole lot of them praying to the ceiling for the sky fairy to save us and becoming upset, sad, and anxious as the months went by and he remained unemployed... I couldn't do anything but watch in my own personal agony as they asked their imaginary friend what they had done to displease him or why he had willed their fate this way. I guess the biggest heart-wrenching thing for me is watching the people I love the most impose great suffering upon themselves from their delusions and not being able to do anything to help.
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Permalink Reply by archaeopteryx on -
Considering the circumstances, Sky, it's entirely possible, as least for the moment, that their delusions are all that's holding them together. For now, I would let them have those delusions.
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Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on -
"My sister actually burst into hysterical sobs once because she was so scared of her "sin."
That is really tragic. Not what Jesus had in mind at all.
"I guess the biggest heart-wrenching thing for me is watching the people I love the most impose great suffering upon themselves from their delusions and not being able to do anything to help."
Again, a sad situation. There are ways in which they could keep their belief and not have to go through all this crap.
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Permalink Reply by Obfuskation on -
People tend to regress toward old, comfortable ways when they are having difficult times. It brings a sense of familiarity and security. It will pass as your situation changes. Stay strong Skycomet; it will pass... it always does.
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Permalink Reply by Doug Reardon on -
Contrary to what Sigmund Freud taught, dreams are not messages from our unconscious. Dreams don't "mean" anything, Yes they can be emotionally charged, and for some reason they are seldom happy and pleasant, but don't grant them powers they don't possess.
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Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on
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Doug -
Why? What's your evidence for saying that?
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Permalink Reply by Doug Reardon on
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much recent research (unfortunately I can't recall citations) Dreams may play a part in memory, and much of them come from the day's experience, but to try to interpret them as an unconscious message is futile.
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Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on
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Doug -
"to try to interpret them as an unconscious message is futile."
You still haven't told me why.
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Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on
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Didn't mean to be like a schoolmarm there. But you need to back up your claim.
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Permalink Reply by Doug Reardon on
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Do a Google on dream research and see if you can find one that says you should take heed of them.
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Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on
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Tell me what evidence you have that dreams are meaningless.
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