Not sure if this counts as "small talk" but what the hey .....

My grandpa died early Friday morning. We were pretty close.

I didn't go see him Thursday.

They told me Wednesday night he was sick, and they didn't know how long he'd make it. They said on Thursday he was sick, but he was doing ok, but I'd probably want to come see him. I figured I would come and see him Friday, after work, or maybe in the middle of work.

Nobody knew how quick it would go. But it shouldn't have mattered. I had time Thursday. I had a whole afternoon off from work. I could have gone home easily and visit my sick Grandpa.

There was so little I could do for him, to help him or make him feel better or ease his pain or anything. The one thing I could do was go and say hi. To just sit and talk with him, or just be present, let him know I'm thinking of him.

The funeral is in a couple days.

I miss him. It's hard to think about, really. I'm finally getting around to preparing some thoughts I want to share, and editing the obituary he wrote, as I was asked to do. It's harder than I thought. I've been busy at work, and when I come home I distract myself.

People say  now, he is in heaven singing to God. Now he has that full head of hair back again. One person even said on Facebook that I shouldn't kick myself for not visiting because God has a plan and everything works out for good, and I wanted to scream at her.

I am happy he's not suffering any more. He's been in a nursing home half paralyzed for quite some time, and he was never comfortable there.

I don't know much about grieving. Haven't lost anyone real close before. I've been getting very good support on Facebook, though, both from my "regular" friends and the secret atheist group.

I don't feel like I "need" to go back to faith, so that I could believe in heaven again. But I can't help but think this would be easier to deal with if I thought I'd see him again someday. Right now I'm just trying to work through the process.

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I'm sorry for your loss.  It is good to express your thoughts like this, especially to those who can relate.  When my Grandfathers died, no one in my family even told me.  Actually, last week I googled one of my relatives and found out that one of my Grandmothers died in January.  I obviously wasn't close to them, as you were with your Grandfather, but it is troublesome to not have a chance to say goodbye.  Just try to think of the good life he had, of the times he laughed without reservation.


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