Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by William C. Walker on April 3, 2011 at 12:14pm

It's simple - don't tell. Enjoy. We each get one life. Live it. Monogamy isn't natural for humans. religion mostly, & society urge it. But it is not natural.

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Permalink Reply by Christine M on April 3, 2011 at 1:09pm

Lee,

I think that I tend to agree with your position. Honesty is important in a relationship and without it, it dies at least partially. I also agree that we do live in the now and manogamy is the norm and I also agree that we do tend to like the stable/safe environments.

I suppose that I was able to discuss my gender nonconforming situation with my partner so I should be able to discuss this topic as well.

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Permalink Reply by William C. Walker on April 3, 2011 at 9:02pm

Great post, Gretchen. Spot on.

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Permalink Reply by Timothy Docster on April 3, 2011 at 5:58pm

The main thing I think to this is would you be okay with your partner having other sexual partners than yourself? For me I wouldn't be alright with that, so I don't get physical with anyone besides my partner and I expect them to do the same. That said, I think that it's a choice that you have to make for yourself. If you want a truly healthy relationship, you need to be open about your feelings on this subject, even if he/she isn't "down" with sharing. I think that you should be honest if you truly love and respect your partner.

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Permalink Reply by Timothy Docster on April 3, 2011 at 9:29pm

I'd agree with that. As long as I NEVER found out and there was absolutely nothing emotional about it, I'd be okay with it.

The only thing is, I'm not sure if you can completely separate emotions from sex. Especially if the extramarital relationship, even if it lacked a strong emotional bond, was more sexually satisfying than the marital one.

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Permalink Reply by Lindsey on April 3, 2011 at 9:51pm

I'm just wondering, how can a person be okay with something that they don't know is happening? And if knowing about it would make you not okay with it, that sort of defeats the purpose of claiming to be okay with it doesn't it? I think I'd be able to forgive a partner who cheated, but I most certainly wouldn't be "okay with it".  If I can control myself, I see no reason why my partner can't, and even if she couldn't I'd at least want her to be honest about her urges so we can examine our relationship. Anything less is a breach of trust.

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Permalink Reply by Timothy Docster on April 3, 2011 at 10:01pm

I suppose I should have worded that whole post better.

I personally believe that an exclusive relationship works for me. If anyone I was seeing ever cheated on me I'd never want it to happen again, I'd be upset, betrayed, etc., but I'd forgive them.

If my partner and I were okay with the idea of each other seeing different people while maintaining our relationship as a primary focus and having zero emotional involvement with the other person, then I wouldn't want to know if it was going on or not.

The reason I don't think this works for me is because I believe it impossible to separate emotions from physical intimacy and above all, I don't want someone seeing having an "emotional affair" with someone else; I want them to be exclusive.

But just because it works for me doesn't mean others can't make it work. I still think the key point is to be upfront with your partner and discuss the matter honestly, whatever you choose. I think our culture has taken it for granted that we just should be monogamous. Each couple should decide if this is right for them, whether it is an hour long ordeal or a three second "Well of course!" discussion.

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Permalink Reply by Melody A. Rogers on April 3, 2011 at 6:55pm

Actually, many religions support polygamy. "Go forth and multiply" is their motto, I guess.

I don't support polygamy, though, because I think that two people create a balanced relationship, and for me, sex has a lot to do with love. No, it is not love itself, but it is what makes love extend to the physical world rather than remain a mental and emotional thing. I find the idea of having multiple sexual partners to be highly unhealthy and highly immoral. Sexual relationships outside of your marriage/partnership is like saying "I love you, but not enough to commit to you." Being with more than one person is unfaithful, regardless of whether the person knows or not. Real love consists of mental and physical devotion and appreciation. Sleeping with someone else means you do not appreciate sleeping only with your partner.
We do not have to be impulsive animals, we can be humans and have happy marriages that consist of two people.
Two minds create balance, two bodies (more specifically in a natural, heterosexual relationship) create balance, and when you act on your other (selfish and sick) desires, you divide your relationship. Relationships are supposed to be whole and healthy.
What upsets me the most is that a lot of people think sex and love do not correlate. The happiest and most extreme mental experience (that of knowing you are loved and loving someone else) and the happiest and most extreme physical experience (having intercourse) should be shared with your one significant other. That is true love. Mind and body; you cannot love one and not the other.

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Permalink Reply by Melody A. Rogers on April 4, 2011 at 4:15pm

No, they were not statements against homosexuality, I am simply stating the obvious fact that a man and a women create an obvious pair physically.
The "selfish and sick" comment did not relate to the point about heterosexuality.

Of course you can love other people without wanting to have sex with them. Those are different kinds of love, and the love you have for your significant other should be the only one that incorporates sex. Sex that is not an act of love is a purely animal act and, although we are quite obviously animals, we are more than that and we should strive to attach sentimental meaning to important and special things like sex, because it seems nowadays we have more love for our cats and clothing than we do our own bodies.

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Permalink Reply by Jay on November 16, 2011 at 11:17pm

That's a lot of shoulds. Evidently this is the way it should be fore Melody.  But don't forget: sex and the drive for us to even bother with it is because of our genes.  Replication is the means for genetic success.  We humans can fabricate whatever meaning to it, but there's no absolute meaning to it. Religions and honest ignorance tend to want there to be an absolute meaning to who we are as men and women and sex itself.  But make no mistake.  Genes are in charge of your sexual drive and preferences.  We as conscious beings are just along for the ride.  Have fun with it. 

 

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Permalink Reply by matt.clerke on December 7, 2011 at 11:38pm

Sexual relationships outside of your marriage/partnership is like saying "I love you, but not enough to commit to you."

Expecting monogamy from someone is like saying "I love you, but not enough to let you live your life"

I find the idea of having multiple sexual partners to be highly unhealthy and highly immoral

What is it that makes you think that?

Two minds create balance, two bodies (more specifically in a natural, heterosexual relationship) create balance

How is a balance between two minds better than a balance between three? surely the three mind balance is far more meaningful, rare, and special since that natural duality is unable to apply. Same argument for all other numbers.

 other (selfish and sick) desires

Again, how are they either selfish or sick? Surely they are indeed natural (they occur in nature)

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Permalink Reply by William C. Walker on April 10, 2011 at 10:45pm

Have a pen-pal who has had an 'open marriage' for a great many years. Each feels that the other comes first. Seems to have worked for them. They differentiate between love & 'just sex'.

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