Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Caesar MacEntire on March 29, 2011 at 11:32pm

Personally, I like the idea of love and marriage being intertwined, and I do hope to find that one woman with which I can spend the rest of my life with.

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Permalink Reply by Lindsey on March 30, 2011 at 12:43am

Wow, this conversation is much more fascinating than I thought it'd be when I first started looking at it.

I don't think I've ever really considered anything other than monogamy before. It just never crossed my mind that there was any alternative.

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Permalink Reply by Loop Johnny on March 30, 2011 at 9:54am

We have evolved to have a polygamous relationship. When our brain got bigger and we started living in societies a better approach for stable long-lasting relationships was monagamy. It is not a rule though. Monogamy definately has religious roots.

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Permalink Reply by Arcus on March 30, 2011 at 9:59am

Perhaps serial-monogamous is a better description than polygamous?

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Permalink Reply by Mo Trauen on March 30, 2011 at 10:25am

Actually, there are a number of good, practical, scientific reasons for some form of monogamy.  First, our brain releases chemicals as a result of sex that cause us to bond with our partner.  Second, our children need years and years of nurturing to achieve independence--especially in today's complex society.  Third, having sex with other people during those years threatens the well being of the children because those brain chemicals may cause the parents to split up.  Fourth, infidelity represents a threat to the genetic success of the spouse and as such arouses very strong negative emotions in the spouse, which can and often do result in violence and/or abandonment of the children.

 

The long and the short of it is that monogamy is meant to protect the children, which was very important in the days before birth control, i.e., most of human history.

 

Here is an article about the brain chemistry involved:

 

http://www.oxytocin.org/oxy/pairbonding.html

 

Polygamy could serve many of the same functions as monogamy with regard to protecting the children, but presents other problems, such as whether one father has the resources to care for all the children produced.  More important, polygamy produces an underclass of angry, sexually frustrated males who can become violent.  Human societies have exhibited all the different primate sexual patterns, serial monogamy, bisexuality, alpha-male polygamy, etc.  So far, none of them seems to be dominant in our natures, but monogamy seems to be the most common, in part for the practical reasons I mention above.

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Permalink Reply by William C. Walker on April 21, 2011 at 10:09am

At 85, all of this is behind me. But I do feel that if the partners in a marriage / relationship can agree on allowing the other to have sex with another person, why not ? It can 'spice up' their own sex lives, with no threat to their relationship. Religion & society have combined to impose monogamy in our culture. The 50 % divorce rate should tell us SOMEthing is amiss in the insistence on monogamy. Be intelligent & mature enough to have a full discussion & agreement on the matter. Each must feel that the partner comes first - always. The other is just sex / enjoyment.

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Permalink Reply by Ryan E. Hoffman on March 30, 2011 at 11:24am

It depends on the couple being open and honest. I love my girlfriend, and love being with her, and I'm aware of the conscious decision I am making by being with her. She will not tolerate me fooling around. So, while I'm here, as long as I'm happy, and I am, I will not fool around. There's nothing wrong with being single, telling someone, "hey, this is fun, but I'm not going to be monogamous," which is something I have done a lot in the past, while living in LA (cali girls are easy, jk :p). I don't think it is fair to assume monogamy, or enforce it on someone else, but I think that is something most here would agree with anyway.

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne Olson-Hyde on March 31, 2011 at 5:19am

Very good question Becky,

Go to this site -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUZEH_q21uo&feature=related

Men are programmed to be polygamous - each one can  sire thousands of children, if given the opportunity.

It's the intelligent, analytical ones that can stay monogamous, the ones that really "love" their partner, but just may lose too much if caught. Cheating has nothing to with love or whatever - in the modern world, it is all about respect.

If men, and the men on this site - were reallllyyyy honest - just scratch the surface of most men, and this is what they really think - Women are an aid to masturbation - Germaine Greer.

Certainly monogamy can work, but it is not the natural state for most men - a man will cheat if he has the opportunity and 99.99 per cent sure he won't get caught by the wife etc, a woman will cheat if her bloke is "not good enough". 

It is a complicated business - if you have to get married, don't get married too early. Experience as much as you can before teaming up with somebody - and it doesn't matter how hard you try to make a 'relationship work', it could still up in a ditch. It's the kids that are hurt the most - middle class christian suburbs are the worst for bed hopping.

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Permalink Reply by greengeekgirl on March 31, 2011 at 3:19pm

I think one thing that is really important to think about is our centuries of conditioning into monogamy. Not that I think it's a reason to *keep* the tradition in itself--I know many open couples who are just fine having that sort of relationship--but different partners will have different, very personal views on the subject. Sexuality is a very personal notion; no two people have exactly the same thoughts on the subject, but everyone feels it very deeply (no pun intended--maybe a LITTLE pun intended. That's what she said?).

I think that it is wrong to go outside of a relationship secretly if your partner firmly believes in monogamy. If nothing else, if you absolutely intend to do it anyway, it should be with full disclosure so that your partner is allowed to make the appropriate decisions about what is more important--being partnered with you, or holding to their thoughts on monogamy? For many, it's an absolute deal-breaker--not only is it a breach of trust, but for many, love and sex are very strongly tied together. To have a secret affair (or affairs) keeps your partner from making an informed decision about the relationship, and I believe that is wrong.

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Permalink Reply by Arcus on March 31, 2011 at 3:51pm

I agree with you, and to add a bit of pun, I wish to drill deeper.

'Because it's natural' is not an excuse for an adult rational atheist person, just like 'because I failed a test of my faith in God ' is a not an excuse for a religious person. You know damned well the premise of the relationship you are in, and if you do something against it you must face the consequences without blaming some external force. Just because you are atheist does not relieve you of the consequences of your actions even if you can prove that it is not unnatural.

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Permalink Reply by greengeekgirl on March 31, 2011 at 5:56pm

This ^ and pun away, friend, I adore puns.

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Permalink Reply by Christine M on April 3, 2011 at 10:17am

This is a topic that I've discussed with freinds several times over the years. I would agree that the concept of manogamy most likely has it's roots in religion. Prior to formal religions sex was viewed as just that, sex. It was a basic instinct, urge, a want and if you will a need. I do think that for many there are practical reasons for it (manogamy) but as mentioned in the original question I also believe that if both parties of the relationship agree to that relationship being open sexually then that is ok as well. The rub in this seems to come when either one party says that they are ok with it and truely are not or when one party wants it and the other does not. What do you do about the latter? Should the perty that wants to have sex outside of the relationship be manogamist or go with their desire and just not tell? Hmmm?

I enjoy the discussion,

 

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