Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Reggie on March 23, 2011 at 11:24pm

That is why couples should always strive to communicate with and understand their partners.

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Permalink Reply by Kai on March 23, 2011 at 1:04am

I've been with my girlfriend for 8 years and even with my understanding as an atheist that there is no magic sky carpenter telling me what to do with my love life, I still prefer monogamy.

 

Sometimes there are urges and desires, but I can honestly say I have no interest in actually pursuing other partners. Whether that means it's a culturally inherited thing or not, I know monogamy is something I value in myself and in my girlfriend.

 

An interesting note, I have also always been a person who looks for a few very close friends, rather than a large group of general friends/acquaintances. Perhaps it all depends on the kind of social interactions and relationship types you seek in other people?

 

Edit: Also in response, Becky. Over the course of our 8 years together, we have both changed drastically, but rather than change for the worse it seems to have made us closer. (as stupidly cliché as that sounds....*wince*)

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on March 23, 2011 at 1:16am

Thanks for your response! I have never "cheated" on my partner either, but my reasons are solely out of respect for him.

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Permalink Reply by Mr. Anderson on March 23, 2011 at 11:29am

Exactly. It's about respect. If you respect them you won't hurt them.

If you can't stay faithful to them but are up front about it, they'll surely be hurt if you break up but at least it's done with everyone being honest about things.

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Permalink Reply by Kai on March 23, 2011 at 11:53pm

I agree completely. Honesty is the best thing you can do in these kinds of situations.

A little brutal honesty may hurt at first, but it's better than the devastation that can result if you deceive someone.

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Permalink Reply by Irina Uriupina on March 23, 2011 at 9:03am

The more restrictions there are in society, the easier it is to control it. Religion, marriage, traditions...

I think every couple agrees on the 'terms and conditions' of their relationships.

Some prefer to really try and be monogamous, some prefer to try and pretend to be monogamous while cheating, some agree on open relationships.

I think many people would rather be lied to than told by their partner he or she has been 'unfaithful', so it wouldn't be absolutely right to say 'you should always tell the truth to your partner'.

It should be left for every particular couple to decide.

But of course, in many cases people tend to think the overwhelming passion they feel in the beginning of the relationships is going to stay there forever, so they promise to never cheat. Things change with time and they find themselves unable to be with a single partner. Well... nothing we can do here. People want to believe in monogamy, in endless romantic love. Let them live as they please.

I personally don't think having sex with another human being is anything criminal, but for the overwhelming majority it is still a huge blow to their self-esteem.It's really all this is about. Self-esteem. He/she cheated on me, so I'm not good enough. If someone is truly monogamous, its his or her own business, but demanding others be the same is just a lack of self-confidence.

Osho has some interesting thoughts on the subject:

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Permalink Reply by BadHandshakers on March 23, 2011 at 11:13am

I absolutely agree. I would only add that the self-esteem could also work as a booster just as on the opposing end a recliner. That when someone cheats, they might feel more self-worthy that they could do better as to exploring options, and being able to pick and choose, whenever things are not working all too well on one side. Which leaves the person being "cheated on" even more insecure that their partner in no longer emotionally depended on them.

 

That Osho guy is both hilarious and spot on, despite the laughter of the audience who presumably aren't willing to admit what he's saying to be true. I think I'd rather have an open relationship than to put with the pretence of a faithful monogamous relationship and having to try and cover up for the cheating.

 

Although, for me personally I may not want to hurt my partner if he/she was under the impression that we were exclusive, unless if cheating on them was undoubtedly a one time thing, like say if the person I cheated on them with was moving away on the next day.

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Permalink Reply by Irina Uriupina on March 23, 2011 at 12:20pm

Yeah, works that way, too. Cheating to prove to yourself you're still worthy, capable of seducing, wanted by somebody else except your partner. Happens.

I prefer to be honest and discuss with my partner this issue from the very start. But once I had a guy who said 'if you ever cheat on me - don't tell me, I wouldn't want to know'. So the attitude to fairness vs. inner calm differs.)) That's why I'm saying, some people prefer not to know. They even fall into denial when they are presented with facts. They want to have their illusion of monogamy. Let them, it's their choice.

And those who want to be told truth deserve to know it.

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on March 23, 2011 at 7:04pm

I am the kind of person that absolutely does not want to know. It wouldn't be something that we would split over but it would hurt pretty bad to find out, so I would much rather him just cover it up and we'd have a don't ask don't tell policy.

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Permalink Reply by Reggie on March 23, 2011 at 11:30pm

I'd always prefer the truth over an illusion.  And I am someone that deluded myself in such a situation and once the delusion could no longer hold, it hurt like hell.  I don't regret finding out, only that I ignored it in favor of a comfortable delusion for so long.  But, that is my personal desire for truth.  There are certainly other reasons to know if your partner is cheating.  Sexually transmitted diseases is the first of many things that come to mind.  Luckily, I avoided that fate.

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Permalink Reply by William C. Walker on March 24, 2011 at 12:02am

I honestly feel that monogamy is not 'natural' for either men or women. Religion & society have done their best to impose it, but .....

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Permalink Reply by scLovely on March 24, 2011 at 2:24am

That is why I would be accepting of it, I just would prefer not to know. It may not make sense to anyone else, but if being with one partner for a lifetime isn't natural, I wouldn't want to force someone to behave in such a way over my self esteem issues. The idea of monogamy is a nice one, but many people demand it without any exceptions. I don't see that as fair but at the same time I know it would be devastating to find out that your spouse cheated.

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