Hello Everyone,


This will be my first post on the site and I'm looking for some advice.


Me and my current girlfriend are having a baby and have decided to do so without being married. We are happy and that's all that matters to us. I am an atheist and she is Catholic and comes from a family that is very involved in their religion. I love her very much and respect her choices in life as she respects mine. We are both very aware of each others beliefs, with that we have talked about getting married eventually.


She has looked down the road many times and explained to me what she has always wanted, a traditional catholic wedding. Now from my understandings that means I must be approved and accepted into their religion ( Accepting Christ and all that he is ) to be a part of this ceremony. Like I stated before, I love the girl and she is a huge part of my life. I want her to have everything that she desires, but this one causes some issues. It's a ways down the road but I figured i would start getting some input on it now.


When looking to my options I run across a few personal and moral dilemmas. ( What's that you say? Atheists have morals? Why yes.... They do. haha) Do I tell her she can't have the wedding she wants and cause a rift in our almost perfect (so far) relationship? Or, do i go along with it even though I don't believe, perform their ceremonies to make her happy and just put on the show for her and the rest of the family?


Now you may say, where is the dilemma? Well, being that i don't believe in a god but i do believe in being a good person, I don't want to outright deceive people. That's not who I am. I don't believe in what they believe in and I'm absolutely positive I will not have fire and brimstone rained upon me because I said i believed so that she can have the day of her dreams. Overall I know it's a decision I have to make but i just wanted to have some advice or see if there was anyone else out here that had faced a similar situation.


Thanks for reading and i look forward to the advice.



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Thanks for your response Kevin. I'm seeing that the church wants to allow anyone to be a part of it no matter what. There seems to be an exception to this or an exception to that to allow anyone to change a little or compromise to conform. I have to look into it more and i know we have more to talk about but again, thanks for the insight.
Is a big catholic weeding ceremony, or just a BIG weeding ceremony. More often than not people, mainly women, that grew in a traditional catholic family has seen and participated in a grand weeding, seeing the bride with the long white dress... You see the picture. Religion in itself might not be the motive...

If the dire warnings of some people are getting you down, I have a coworker who is... I don't know, probably atheist, maybe just agnostic. He married a Catholic and is allowing his wife to raise the kids Catholic, on the caveat that he will respectfully and fully answer the children's questions when they ask him why he doesn't go to church too.

The kids are growing up quite well-rounded, they aren't old enough yet to really object to church but they have started asking questions. The times I've met them I'm left with the impression that they're becoming good critical thinkers, and will make the best choice for themselves when the time comes, with their non-religious father as a fine role model.

I am an atheist and married to a catholic. the church called our marriage a 'cult of disparity'. I was interviewed by the priest who married us and my wife had to get permission from the bishop, which was given on the grounds that we would continue to 'live in sin'. which in the eyes of church is far worse.
if you are having a child you will have to agree to allow your child to be raised within the faith as I did. I have 2 children both have been taught the catholic faith but are also more than aware that I have no beliefs, they will be free to make their own choices.
as for the ceremony, you should be able to choose vows that are not contentious for either of you or respective families. as far as taking part in a religious ceremony, I considered that this was nothing more than a public announcement of my love for my wife. it is also a legal union which is important.

my wife's family fully understood my lack of beliefs, and welcomed me because I was willing to respect theirs. if you are able to do the same then there should no moral issues there. good luck.
Thank you so much for the information. I will be sure to talk about this with her and the bishop when we all sit down.
Hi, the same thing happened to me and I went along with the ceremonies to make my husband happy. I just grinned and bared it.  The priest tried to get me to convert but I politely turned him down. At the wedding the priest cried. And the party afterward was pretty good. Lol My son on the other hand is to go to Catholic sunday school and church. But for now he doesn't want to believe. He's eight. He cries if we make him go. So he's been spending a lot of time at home because there aren't a lot of priests the travel to church is too far.
A question to the ones who are in marriages with theists.  Why did you feel you had to agree to allow the children to be raised as believers?

Jesus. This mirrors my situation to a T. The only difference is that the fiancee is agnostic/atheist as well. We are both just going through the motions of getting married ala catholic to shut her family up. Also, don't forget that the child has to be baptised/christened/go to communion during which you are also supposed to agree to raise the kid catholic. My fiancee did not see the issue with me lying about it and called me an "a@!#$hole". I just don't agree with lying. I told her simply that I can stand there and smile quietly but asking me to lie is off limits.


I can't really give you advice just support from someone in an eerily similar situation.


I must ask. Are you a Dr? Is the baby a girl? (I'm comparing your situation to mine). If you are also 6'8" then you get to be the doppelganger.

At what point do you demand the respect of your parents and family?  At what point is your going along betraying who you are?  I will go along to a point but there is a point I will not give up who I am and who my children will be to people including parents who in the end will not be in your home.  You betray who you are and yet in the end I can guarantee all those people will say,"Well, why did you go along?  I didn't make you.  You didn't have to.". 
At the end of the day everyone goes home to their homes and watch their own TV and leave behind the carnage of you betraying who you are. NoodlyJames on this point your wife is wrong.  You are not being an asshole.
The question is this.  Even though she professes to be Agnostic, I question that.  I hope that doesn't offend you but I have to question her.
I can see your point here, I pride myself on being who I am now. I used to be an ungrateful little shit and I learned some hard lessons about being a good person to those around you. Now I believe in being a good person and I believe in questioning everything around you that you want to know about or that you feel doesn't seem right. I think the lesson here is to make sure that everyone around you knows how you feel, and hopefully they can see that you are a good person for wanting someone you love to have the day that they want.

I question her agnosticism as well. But in the end, so long as she doesn't get old and try to put me into a coma with the bible .....I don't care. I have to admit that your blunt response is refreshing and not offensive. I prefer open discussion over tip toeing any day of the week.


Sorry Jason. I'm not trying to Bogart your board here.


I love how you start the post with "Jesus". Haha. Anyways, I agree, that I do not want to lie. As for as the Dr. thing... I'm not, at least not yet. I am a student still and Will be going into a Nuclear Engineering program at UC Berkeley soon. I plan to become a doctor through this process though. As for the baby we want to be surprised so we are waiting to find out, but I will keep you posted! The one I am definitely not is 6'8" haha. I'm only 6'0".


I'd like to keep up with you on how things develop and I will gladly do the same with you as well. Thanks for your post!


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