Fridgidaire and the 3 dead guys in a new york appartment building
Okay... this is kinda long... bear with me!
God went to St. Peter and said, "Ummm.... look, I only made a certain amount of space in heaven, and ummm... it's getting a little overcrowded. I need you to come up with a new standard so that only 1 out of every 3 people get to heaven. Use anything you like."
And St. Peter thought to himself, "Hmmmm.... anything I like? Well, it should be a standard that makes sense. We don't want any bad eggs in heaven, afterall!!! Hmmm.... that's it!! Suffering! I'll let in whoever died a death in which they suffered the most!"
And so, it came to pass that as soon as St. Peter thought up the new standard, three men approached him at heaven's gate.
One of them was a short balding man with dark hair, a too-large mustache and tiny, suspicious eyes. He was wearing a rumpled suit and had a cigar hanging from his lips. This man approached him first.
St. Peter was skeptical that this rough looking man would be the one he was looking for, but he let him approach anyway.
St. Peter looked at the man gravely and asked "Tell me, son, tell me how you died."
The man responded, rather rudely, in a sharp brooklin accent...
"Well Peeta, I live on the 5th floor in an appartment building in New Yawrk. I was SURE ma wife was cheatin on me, and one day I come home, and the Bastard's in the house!! I knew it! I could here him scrambling to get out!"
"So I run to my back Balcony, ya' know, and there he is!! That son of a bitch is hangin' off my balcony by his hands an has the NERVE to ask me to help him up! So I start stompin' on his hands, but he still don't fall! Then I run inside and get ma golf club and start wackin' his hands, and so he fall down. I was sure he was dead! But I look down, and HE'S NOT DEAD! YA' KNOW?! So I run inside and unplug the 'fridgidaire and I drop it over the side of the balcony... and that nailed him good!" The man looked very pleased with himself.
St. Peter looked distressed and gave him a wierd look and said, "I asked how YOU died."
"Oh, yeah... well I'm a christian an' all, ya' know, so I couldn't live wi' what I did, so I blew my brains out."
"Okaaay," St. Peter looked uncomfortable. "I'll call you if we're interested. Could you stand over there please?" He pointed to a spot on a cloud about 50 yards away. The man walked obediently over.
The next man promptly came up. He was an elderly man, at least 65 with a few scrappy patches of whitish grey hair and a pair of thick glasses. He hobbled over with his cane.
St. Peter DEFINITELY looked more confident now. "Okay, tell me son, tell me how you died."
The man replied, rather feebly, "Well, Holy St. Peter, my wife was out of town with her sick sister, and she put me in charge of watering her plants out on the balcony of our appartment on the 6th floor in New York, and well, I guess I leaned a little too far over because I fell over the railing, and by the grace of God I managed to catch myself with my hands on the balcony below. And then this MANIAC comes out and starts stomping on my hands. And I'm yelling to him, "PLEASE HELP ME! HELP ME SIR!" But he's not listening, and then he goes back inside and I thought, "Phew! He's gone!" [And you're not gonna believe this] But next thing I know, he comes chargin' back out with a GOLF CLUB!! And he's wackin' on my hands and I couldn't help it, I fell. And I'm thinkin' "This is the end, I'm gonna die." And I what-do-ya' know? I fall into this rose bush, and it saved my life, but I'm covered in cuts. And I think, "I'm alive! Thank God! I'm alive!" And I look up AND A 'FRIGIDAIRE DROPS ON ME!!"
"Okay... you've obviously suffered more." St. Peter turns to the first man and says, "I'm sorry, but we couldn't find you a position." And the man drops through a trap door into hell while the old man takes his place.
Then the third man approaches. This guy is a buff and handsome, blonde surfer boy with a California tan. St. Peter raises an eyebrow, but asks, "Tell me son, tell me how you died?"
The man starts laughing, and then looks at St. Peter and says "Yo Pete! Imagine yourself BUTT NAKED IN A 'FRIDGIDAIRE!"