I don't know what to say, except I hear you. I know that if you think about it enough you will find at least one, possibly minuscule, area where you have some choice right now.
If your x cooperates why not threaten to transfer custody to x husband if he continues to be physical with you?
And ultimately you have to cut ties with son if he continues in this manner particularly if you observe escalating violence against you.
Not that cutting ties is a smiley thought but if nothing works what is the alternative?
What professional help is available?
The answer is to bail.
You deserve your own life, and they don't get to take it away from you.
Yes, they brain wash you into thinking you are bad if you run for daylight...but, you are not bad, they are.
The ONLY solution is to walk away....and start over.
You will probably benefit from counseling and some professional help, just as soldiers who have PTSD, etc, from battle trauma etc...need help to get through.
This is NOT something to take lightly.
It is NOT a lie that there is life after an abusive divorce...that in itself is propaganda, and it is harmful.
I personally know people who were in that scenario, and escaped.
Yes, there ARE scars...but scars are what are left after a wound HEALS.
Your intelligence and insight are evidence enough that you have value as a person that outweighs the value you were falsely trammeled to as a mother.
If the kid is not benefiting from the care he has gotten, and you are not benefiting from the care you are getting/giving....its time to see it for what it is, the same way a guy who accidentally stepped on an IED and got his leg blown off.
He either says he can't live w/o his leg, and kills himself, finishing off what the enemy started...and plunging his friends and loved ones into mourning for his loss....or sucks it up, and says, fuck it, I lost my leg, I gotta move on and see how to live with the one I have left.
YOU either take the same route, and finish off what your abusive spouse started, or, send the kid to a place equipped to handle him, which is better for him, and, better for you...and get on with your life.
Sure, you'd rather have two legs than give one away...but, one leg is in a trap...and, you have to chew it off to escape.
In this case, your kid, is actually NOT going to stay in the trap...by separating you and him, HE gets the help he needs, help that you have tried to give him, and realized its simply beyond your abilities. You might not be a psychiatrist, or a neurologist, or an abuse counselor, etc, professions most of us do NOT have expertise in...but, you are a great MOM, who TRIED to simulate those expertise as long as you could, and, then, were a great enough MOM to know when to "take the sick kid to the Doctor instead of trying to cure him at home".
Save yourself AND your son.
IE: If you die, who get the kid? Does he THEN get professional help? Who mourns your loss, besides us here? What happens after you are gone?
If you live, and the kid goes to where they can help him, and you move on having done your best, that seems better than just being found dead and having others decide what to do with your son.
If you are the one helping him, you have control over what help he gets and where.
That seems preferable.
Food for thought.
I am very concerned about you. Please let us hear from you soon. I can hear how desperate you are feeling, and I know that you can't believe this right now, but your life is not too hopeless to ever get better. I need you to trust me on that right now. I am concerned about the suicidal ideation you are expressing here and I want you to know that you are not alone. I have sent you a friend request. Please contact me. If you can let me know what area you are in, I will try to find some referrals for you. You need care and so does your child. Your child's aggression is likely treatable and you MUST seek treatment for your own depression.
You are a valued member of this community and we do not want you to hurt yourself. Please let us hear from you as soon as possible.
MODS: Does anyone know how to reach Belle directly? Not kidding. Someone needs to check on her if there is any way to do so. This was posted on Oct. 10. I really wish I had checked in on the site sooner, but that can't be helped. Has anyone seen Belle online since then?
You are very kind to take an interest, daughterofkarl.
I do note that this post is 43 minutes after the Donald and Bill post. It seems to me if Belle had been truly distraught she would have limited her expression to this post. But that is speculation on my part.
Further, she has not replied to either post so that is alarming. But i think there may be people here who know how to get in touch with her.
I hope you are right, Jake--may I call you Jake?--that Belle is not as deeply depressed as she sounds, and that there are people here who can get in touch with her.
I know she will be in my thoughts, and I don't think I will be completely relaxed about this until someone hears from her. I understand that hopelessness, both professionally and personally, and I know how bleak the world can look when you are inside the experience. I hope she knows that people do care about her, and that she is stronger than she realizes.
Yes you may call me Jake although my real name is Glen.
I commend you for caring and showing an interest. I assume that Belle will be touched by your having reached out for a stranger. And you are correct that when things seem unmanageable and beyond hope that it can indeed get better.
So good to hear from you, Belle!
Really glad you are feeling better and that you have a support system. Please don't apologize for worrying anyone. You did exactly the right thing.
Belle, I'm glad you're back.
As I read your OP I asked what happened to the cheery Belle whose posts I enjoyed when I last visited TA. I don't want you doing what two aunts on my dad's side of the family did.
TAKE CARE OF NUMERO UNO.