It never stops

YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


There is no escape. Not really anyway. Once you have been hurt by any sort of violence it never stops. It may change forms, but it never goes away. You are forever entrapped in one way or another.

It is a lie that you can leave an abusive marriage with children and then thrive afterwards. That is a lie. It doesn't get better. In many ways it gets worse. To the point where you might have been better off staying. Co-parenting with an abuser is just as hard (if not more so) than living under the same roof.

It never ends. It never stops. It keeps killing you every day. The light has gone from my eyes and I am too weak to keep fighting. My life is hopeless to ever get better. My own son has become just like his Dad and is fast becoming strong. He hurts me - daily - without remorse. I am screaming for answers. There are none. There are none. My life will never be peaceful and happy. Stress will kill me. Soon. I am dying. I cannot go on.

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Permalink Reply by Diane on October 11, 2016 at 7:03am

I don't know what to say, except I hear you.  I know that if you think about it enough you will find at least one, possibly minuscule, area where you have some choice right now.  

Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on October 11, 2016 at 7:08am

:-(

Permalink Reply by Jake LaFort on October 11, 2016 at 10:59am

If your x cooperates why not threaten to transfer custody to x husband if he continues to be physical with you?

And ultimately you have to cut ties with son if he continues in this manner particularly if you observe escalating violence against you. 

Not that cutting ties is a smiley thought but if nothing works what is the alternative? 

Permalink Reply by Simon Paynton on October 11, 2016 at 1:46pm

What professional help is available? 

Permalink Reply by TJ on October 11, 2016 at 6:34pm

The answer is to bail.

You deserve your own life, and they don't get to take it away from you.

Yes, they brain wash you into thinking you are bad if you run for daylight...but, you are not bad, they are.

The ONLY solution is to walk away....and start over.

You will probably benefit from counseling and some professional help, just as soldiers who have PTSD, etc, from battle trauma etc...need help to get through.

This is NOT something to take lightly. 

It is NOT a lie that there is life after an abusive divorce...that in itself is propaganda, and it is harmful.

I personally know people who were in that scenario, and escaped.

Yes, there ARE scars...but scars are what are left after a wound HEALS. 

Your intelligence and insight are evidence enough that you have value as a person that outweighs the value you were falsely trammeled to as a mother.

If the kid is not benefiting from the care he has gotten, and you are not benefiting from the care you are getting/giving....its time to see it for what it is, the same way a guy who accidentally stepped on an IED and got his leg blown off.

He either says he can't live w/o his leg, and kills himself, finishing off what the enemy started...and plunging his friends and loved ones into mourning for his loss....or sucks it up, and says, fuck it, I lost my leg, I gotta move on and see how to live with the one I have left.

YOU either take the same route, and finish off what your abusive spouse started, or, send the kid to a place equipped to handle him, which is better for him, and, better for you...and get on with your life.

Sure, you'd rather have two legs than give one away...but, one leg is in a trap...and, you have to chew it off to escape.

In this case, your kid, is actually NOT going to stay in the trap...by separating you and him, HE gets the help he needs, help that you have tried to give him, and realized its simply beyond your abilities.  You might not be a psychiatrist, or a neurologist, or an abuse counselor, etc, professions most of us do NOT have expertise in...but, you are a great MOM, who TRIED to simulate those expertise as long as you could, and, then, were a great enough MOM to know when to "take the sick kid to the Doctor instead of trying to cure him at home".

Save yourself AND your son.

IE: If you die, who get the kid?  Does he THEN get professional help?  Who mourns your loss, besides us here?  What happens after you are gone?

If you live, and the kid goes to where they can help him, and you move on having done your best, that seems better than just being found dead and having others decide what to do with your son.

If you are the one helping him, you have control over what help he gets and where.

That seems preferable.

Food for thought.

Permalink Reply by daughterofkarl on October 14, 2016 at 9:07pm

Belle,

I am very concerned about you.  Please let us hear from you soon.  I can hear how desperate you are feeling, and I know that you can't believe this right now, but your life is not too hopeless to ever get better.  I need you to trust me on that right now.  I am concerned about the suicidal ideation you are expressing here and I want you to know that you are not alone.  I have sent you a friend request.  Please contact me.  If you can let me know what area you are in, I will try to find some referrals for you.  You need care and so does your child.  Your child's aggression is likely treatable and you MUST seek treatment for your own depression.

You are a valued member of this community and we do not want you to hurt yourself.  Please let us hear from you as soon as possible.

MODS:  Does anyone know how to reach Belle directly?  Not kidding.  Someone needs to check on her if there is any way to do so.  This was posted on Oct. 10.  I really wish I had checked in on the site sooner, but that can't be helped.  Has anyone seen Belle online since then?

Permalink Reply by Jake LaFort on October 14, 2016 at 10:13pm

You are very kind to take an interest, daughterofkarl.

I do note that this post is 43 minutes after the Donald and Bill post.  It seems to me if Belle had been truly distraught she would have limited her expression to this post. But that is speculation on my part.

Further, she has not replied to either post so that is alarming. But i think there may be people here who know how to get in touch with her.

Permalink Reply by daughterofkarl on October 14, 2016 at 10:25pm

I hope you are right, Jake--may I call you Jake?--that Belle is not as deeply depressed as she sounds, and that there are people here who can get in touch with her.

I know she will be in my thoughts, and I don't think I will be completely relaxed about this until someone hears from her.  I understand that hopelessness, both professionally and personally, and I know how bleak the world can look when you are inside the experience.  I hope she knows that people do care about her, and that she is stronger than she realizes.

Thanks!

Permalink Reply by Jake LaFort on October 14, 2016 at 10:39pm

Yes you may call me Jake although my real name is Glen.

I commend you for caring and showing an interest. I assume that Belle will be touched by your having reached out for a stranger. And you are correct that when things seem unmanageable and beyond hope that it can indeed get better.

Permalink Reply by Belle Rose on October 15, 2016 at 12:43pm
I am ok and thank you to those who are concerned. I didn't even realize when I wrote this that it looked like suicidal ideation. I didn't think I was suicidal. I felt the effects of the stress I was under affecting me physically to where it literally felt like I was dying from the stress. I ended up in bed sleeping for a day straight. After that day I somehow found it within me to keep going.

I had a very very long talk with my boss about all of this. He gave me some sound advice as a father himself, and his perspective honestly helped me more than any of the therapists I've talked to have. I also met with my crisis intervention team and they too have helped me a great deal.

The answers are a lot simpler than I ever thought possible.... I am thankful for their support and I'm thankful to everyone here. I'm sorry if I caused people to worry. I was not (I don't think) suicidal, just under a tremendous amount of stress and felt like I would die because of it.

I'm back now and have my big girl pants on and just need to keep going......

Thanks everyone!!!
Permalink Reply by daughterofkarl on October 15, 2016 at 1:22pm

So good to hear from you, Belle!

Really glad you are feeling better and that you have a support system.  Please don't apologize for worrying anyone.  You did exactly the right thing. 

Thanks!

DoK

Permalink Reply by Tom Sarbeck on October 16, 2016 at 6:34am

Belle, I'm glad you're back.

As I read your OP I asked what happened to the cheery Belle whose posts I enjoyed when I last visited TA. I don't want you doing what two aunts on my dad's side of the family did.

TAKE CARE OF NUMERO UNO.

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