"It's been good for me to not have a woman to worry about".
I think that sums up his mentality towards women...they are something to worry about rather than to care for. I cannot imagine based on anything you've said so far that he has changed in the slightest. I cannot fathom how anything remotely good would come out of contacting him again.
I want to know how to stop being this way.
Some folk psychology to think about: I think it might help to recognize that your toxic attachments are attachments that you're strong enough to consistently and permanently say no to. And that you are more than worthy of connecting with someone who wants to worry about you (where it's the opposite of a chore or burden), care for you, listen to you, compromise for you and cherish you. And that you're more likely to find that when you see your inner strength to say no to douchey toxic fuck-ups who show anything less than real and considerable signs of change over a rather long period of time where you give them absolutely nothing until they prove themselves (that includes doing them even small favours). You are worthy of great people Belle.From the strength you've demonstrated in your life story and discussions here...I have little doubt that you can.
I read all this Belle and decided not to respond directly to anything you've said with how I feel about it.
I just hope you get past this.
I am trying to find the article and it's difficult, but some years back, a Psychologist friend of mine sent me a paper from some journal or another that attempted to demonstrate that emotional bonds that are developed during adolescence were somehow more intense and stronger and therefore more durable than bonds that were formed later or earlier in life. If we can accept that is plausible, that might help out here with what you are dealing with.
You will note that on Facebook, there are a lot of adverts for "find your old girlfriend/boyfriend" sites...I think that's for a similar reason.... which is that people develop these intense feelings in early adulthood and those feelings can be intoxicating and powerful. As with anything that's intoxicating, we are drawn to recreate or recapture those things.
I would never try to minimize what you are dealing with, but you have to look upon it as any other biochemical phenomenon....like sugar dependency, or a powerful craving for carbohydrates, or caffeine. It is exceedingly difficult to overcome those if the substance is available in your environment.
You yourself said (or I inferred) that you were able to exist for some time when he was not around (notwithstanding some of the issues you describe), but it was his re-emergence in your life that has stirred up these feelings.
I don't want to be crass about it but if you LOVED, LOVED, LOVED chocolate and were for some reason deprived of it for a decade....and then I took you to a chocolate factory, do you not think you'd have essentially the same reaction you're having now? The smells, the sights, etc... would conjur up a strong biological "cocktail" of reactions within you that would reawaken what had been a dormant desire.
So that can explain what you feel....now what?
There are untold billions of people on this planet. The notion that this ONE person was somehow "crafted" just for your happiness and companionship defies that facts.... And those facts are that he has not been a reliable companion and he has failed in making you happy.
So if you look at the data - again - the data you recounted to us - it says you are unhappy with him and because of him.
So like Chocolate....perhaps you get the quick buzz of wondeffulness but it goes right to the hips, midsection, etc..., and months later you regret having had it.
There are a lot of mumbo-jumbo conversations on sites like this about free will. And it's a fun topic to debate over a late night cup of coffee or what have you. The reality on the ground is that you make choices every minute of every hour of every day and those choices have consequences and put you on one trajectory or another. Those are your choices...and you made them.
If there is an emotional buzz you get from that relationship and you like emotional buzzes, then ask yourself what other things might afford you an emotional buzz that's not going to have long-lasting negative consequences? If it's sex...go have sex. If it's exercise...go exercise...if it's awesome dessert...go have that (in moderation).... For me it was long-distance bicycle riding that really cleansed me of a lot of bad mojo from a prior relationship. The physical strain and the sense of accomplishment of seeing 200 miles behind me was surprisingly theraputic. Losing weight was a by-product. The most important benefit was the sense of empowerment from knowing "I did that." Lastly, it got me around some people who were healthy for me.
You might also start noodling on the concept of "locus of control." That is a theme that has been very powerful in my life. Where happiness comes from (internal or external) and what's our role in our own happiness is a great area for you to explore.
best wishes to you - this is something sooooo many people struggle with, and you are by no means strange or unusual....sorry to disppoint you if you thought you were anything but normal! :-)
my pleasure....nice to meet you. I can totally relate to your situation in many ways. I think most people deal with something exactly like this. That force in your life that's not good for you but you are drawn to it.
in my case...I always wonder if I'm somehow preventing myself from being successful and therefore happy and why would I do that?
so I guess the advice you get on an airplane should be that which you follow here: Put the Mask on yourself before you put it on those near you....(so to speak). Taker care of Belle Rose before you try to take care of someone else.
Happy Holidays..... dd