Notice that much of what we 'do' generates no valuable results...
In my opinion the subject should really be, "how do you get (stay) emotionally and physically away from the person while keeping yourself SAFE on every level. I am VERY worried that he might not be totally loving and accepting of your decision to eschew your relationship. Please be VERY careful how you handle this decision (which I believe you've already made but have yet to action). Make a plan. Consider the worst case scenario.
Many of us feel we are disloyal when we drop a disastrous relationship. I had a surrogate daughter who helped me through the first year after my husband's suicide, but there was a strong element of "I should have known better" in eventually breaking contact with her. She counted on my sense of obligation to her and took outrageous advantage, especially financially. I could not afford this, and eventually moved halfway across the country, in part to be free from her.
Loyalty is not a good thing all the time. Accepting the fact that the relationship is bad for you, and probably bad for him as well, is the first step. Follow that up with a rational attempt to make new friends who will not be users, as I did when I joined the Ethical Society of St. Louis. (The disastrous relationship had been in central California, which tells you how far I ran.) There are secular organizations all over the country, although perhaps not as large as ES. Try the Meetup web site and get to know people in a safe neutral place, reserving knowledge of your home address and phone number for those you find you really can trust.
Good luck to you!
I cant offer any advice to why...all i can do is tell a story of friend of min. She was constantly drawn to this one guy who beat her Even stabbed her in the arm once with a small knife. I was constantly getting her out out there had a few fights doing it too. Be live em the sicko didn't look perfect when i got done and i can't honestly say i regret it I DON'T However after enough fights constantly getting her out of this situation or that one I finally had enough. I cant stand it when a guy raises his hands to a woman let alone beat or stab her. Although I will admit the time he was trying to flush her jeans down the toilet was funny in a sick way i guess. He eventually drove her to the point of being in a mental hospital. All the advice i can offer is stay away he's not worth it and obviously you are better then that. Also that only when drinking thing..it's just a cop out
One of the major parts of the constellation of causes that contributed to my own clinical depression was a sick relationship with a woman. A relationship I was deluded into thinking I could make better. I wanted to marry her and, as kind of a gender twist, she was the one who was stringing me along. When I finally got some counseling (which was through Lutheran Family Service and was not at all faith based at my request), I got this great advice: "A good and healthy relationship generally starts out by just happening, not because someone is trying to make it happen. The period after you get married is harder as you become more familiar with her quirks and flaws. If it's not working before marriage, the best thing is to walk away and keep looking."
I think contacting an abusive party in order to better understand oneself is like trying cocaine again in order to better understand your addiction. Reopening contact with an abusive person (unless it's, for example, to expose their abuse to the world) is very ill-advised, because these relationships are quasi-addictive in nature.
What would have been the downside of not doing it?
Personally, I found the "why did I do that?" question only useful if it helps convince myself not to do it again. Self-analysis has its limits. First question is how do I avoid the self-destructive behavior. If you need to know why you did it (I had a long, long list), get an objective person, whether professional or not, to talk it out with you. Otherwise, just say "OK, I did something stupid there" and move on. Even geniuses do stupid things occasionally; why should you and I expect to be perfect?
they don't know how to walk away. I blame Christianity for teaching women to be submissive.
Christianity teaches forgiveness. Which is good sometimes. But Christianity teaches that forgiveness is ALWAYS right and that ANYONE can be saved, and radically transformed by the blood of Christ. All Mr. Liar has to do is say the right magic Christian words, and the woman just has to accept that he's changed, even when nothing's different at all.
And Disney? They're always doing that thing where the woman stays with the man even though she doesn't like him or he's a jerk, and she's able to change him in the end. Beauty and the Beast is notorious for this.
It sounds like you're being smart about this, and keeping him at arm's length. One thing to remember is, if you don't know how he got inside your head, if you don't know what it was that gave him such power over you, are you sure he won't do it again?