This is just a rant in order to let off some steam and some things may not correlate in topic.
Guys, I don't know why but as graduation has been treading closer, my fears and worries have grown stronger. I've taken 2 AP tests that were $89 each which I'm sure I failed due to lack of motivation and preparation and I have my history one on the Wednesday coming up. Today, my mom asked me if I was happy or if I felt weird at school and I lied right in her face about me being miserable. I'm mostly alone when it comes to being an atheist and queer and there seems like there's no place to go. I also regret that I haven't been able to establish any lasting relationships but at the same time I don't really click with anyone at school. My parents make it worse by reminding me of all of the things I could've done in high school and I'm jumping blindly into college not really knowing what to expect out of it. I also worry if I'll ever get a boyfriend as well as being able to be comfortable in public and especially around family. There are also fears and insecurities concerning m current appearance (I'm not happy because I don't look the way I feel I should due to my own preferences). I also feel insecure when I'm around people who are gay because I have a feeling that other people will give me weird looks for not being bothered while around them. It's all so conflicting and it's driving me crazy! I'm depressed, miserable, and have been having thoughts of hurting myself.
Any advice is appreciated even though, I know that I will not follow that advice because I'm too afraid to. I really feel like I'm the sappy one in the Think Atheist groups because I always write about negative things and I'm sorry for that.
I don't care if anyone replies or not but I just had to put this out there even though it's still much appreciated if you do.
If you were to "hurt yourself" - commit suicide - then frankly that would be the act of a pussy,....
When all else fails, call names. Misogynist names, if other names don't satisfy.
Two aunts on my dad's occasionally violent side of the family, one with five kids, committed suicide. They didn't know how to lessen the pain they felt.
I considered suicide but I had just entered puberty and was enjoying masturbation too much to give it up.
Ha! In the Catholic schools my dad sent his kids to, I wasn't supposed to do it, let alone enjoy it.
Not wanting to write a memoir, I'll say only that a Germanic workaholism I did not then see because it was a family norm, and a selfish desire for pleasure guided my teens. The Korean War gave me a desire to go to college (the first in the family) and the GI Bill to pay for it. I spent eight years quitting Catholicism and taking courses until I got a four-year degree and a well-paid job I loved.
Ari, do what you feel and think is best for you.
Wow I'm sorry about your aunts and it's great that you understand that suicidal thoughts really aren't easy to deal with.
That is very interesting, you went through the Korean War? That was a really long time ago. My grandpa died at the age of 92 on March 18 and he was a vet in WW2.
It's also good to know you got out of religious doctrine and got the well-paid job that you worked for. Sounds like life for you became much easier for you. I'm not sure what I want to do, that's why I'm going to try to see if Computer Science is good for me. I'm only trying it because I know it's a field that will be in demand and it's basically the future. The only thing is, college is expensive as all get-out and my social skills are terrible. I really want college to be fun but I'm really not sure how things will turn out if I remain in this depressed state. I'm not sure what is best for me at this point.
Thanks for your story and support, though. :)
Ari, while in college I knew many math and science students with not-very-good social skills. Curiosity and wanting to learn about the world are more important. I found that curious people are fun to talk with. More fun than people who just party and drink.
You can learn social skills -- in college or later -- by hanging with people who have them, in organizations that are doing things you enjoy. I started learning social skills almost ten years after I graduated.
Tom, I'm sorry for what happened to your aunts. Of course, I've got no right to comment on people in general. I was just advising Ari that he would do better to tough it out. Not that (it turns out) this is a consideration.
Ari and Simon, I'm saddened but not sorry. They wanted to end the pain they felt and knew no other way.
They exercised a right that religions and governments make unlawful.
Ask why religions and governments make suicide unlawful.
If you don't get pissed off, you've been lied into a form of slavery.
I suppose to some people it seems immoral, and I can see their point. For the religious it's like chucking the gift of life back in God's face. For anybody at all, it can seem very selfish.
However I agree with you that each person owns their own life and has the right to decide when to end it. I also think that nobody has the right to judge another person's pain. Ultimately though I think that most suicides would "live" to regret it (if they had the chance).
Thank you for your consideration Morghan. :) I actually didn't hurt myself but I was just feeling really bad the day I wrote that post. I'm really trying hard to look at myself with a better image. Thanks again for your support. ^.^