This is just a rant in order to let off some steam and some things may not correlate in topic.
Guys, I don't know why but as graduation has been treading closer, my fears and worries have grown stronger. I've taken 2 AP tests that were $89 each which I'm sure I failed due to lack of motivation and preparation and I have my history one on the Wednesday coming up. Today, my mom asked me if I was happy or if I felt weird at school and I lied right in her face about me being miserable. I'm mostly alone when it comes to being an atheist and queer and there seems like there's no place to go. I also regret that I haven't been able to establish any lasting relationships but at the same time I don't really click with anyone at school. My parents make it worse by reminding me of all of the things I could've done in high school and I'm jumping blindly into college not really knowing what to expect out of it. I also worry if I'll ever get a boyfriend as well as being able to be comfortable in public and especially around family. There are also fears and insecurities concerning m current appearance (I'm not happy because I don't look the way I feel I should due to my own preferences). I also feel insecure when I'm around people who are gay because I have a feeling that other people will give me weird looks for not being bothered while around them. It's all so conflicting and it's driving me crazy! I'm depressed, miserable, and have been having thoughts of hurting myself.
Any advice is appreciated even though, I know that I will not follow that advice because I'm too afraid to. I really feel like I'm the sappy one in the Think Atheist groups because I always write about negative things and I'm sorry for that.
I don't care if anyone replies or not but I just had to put this out there even though it's still much appreciated if you do.
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You sound perfectly normal. Don't settle for anything less than happiness. You only have this one life, don't let being an ape prevent you from enjoying it. And know that straight people feel the EXACT same way at times when they are your age.
You're so lucky to be starting university soon. So many fresh opportunities. So many classes that will blow your mind. People you never thought you'd hang out with. People you never thought you'd sleep with. Falling behind. Catching up. Walking around campus wearing nothing but a kilt for a week. You're so lucky Ari. Really lucky.
p.s. it gets better. Really. It does.
Ari you sound like my daughter when she was 17 and still in high school. Overwhelmed is a great word.
She's in college now and came out about six months ago. She said she wanted to tell us sooner but was scared of disappointing us. Speaking for myself I don't care about any of that. As a parent all I want is her happiness. I'm actually sad that she put herself through all the anguish for so long and did not tell us sooner. It's okay to be happy. Like an old Navy buddy once told me "This thing called life, it's not a dress rehearsal"... You're on... Don't mess up your lines.. If you do, you can do it over...
Well, you've done the right thing by talking to people, even if it's us.
You have to remember that in 10 years' time, things will inevitably have moved on somewhat. It's impossible to fester like this for the next 10 years. Something's got to give. I recommend that you speak to your mother. She sounds like a normal mum and a normal mum wants the best for her boy. After that, you've got a lifetime's journey ahead of you. Yes, you're different from the run of the mill person, but you live in the USA, not Saudi Arabia. You're not going to be arrested and tortured. Perhaps you can eventually move to a liberal "vibrant" city where you can be yourself among other people just like you, and be happy. In the meantime, hold tight and chill out. If you were to "hurt yourself" - commit suicide - then frankly that would be the act of a pussy, when you stand to gain so much if you follow the alternative and stay alive. As for cutting yourself or something like that - it leaves scars which don't look very nice. Get a rubber band and twang it on your arm, and that works just as well.
Whatever happens, you need to remember your courage. No matter how totally fucked you are, you can always have courage. You owe it to the people around you to have courage. If something's too hard, it's too hard, but that's not the same as not having courage.
Sorry to sound harsh, I'm not really a sergeant-major. It's a tough situation for you.
Also, you're very young, and very young people usually don't know much (no offense). In the future you'll have more wisdom and more effective coping strategies. That's why things get easier for everyone as they get older.
You appear to need three things: perspective, self confidence, and challenge.
What you are going through is no different than anyone else is going through. You are not a special snowflake which face obstacles unknown to anyone. This is the perspective, and it leads into the lack of self confidence. Pretty much everyone else manage to get through this shit, then why shouldn't you? Why are you allowing yourself to be weaker than everybody else? Stop wasting time and effort in putting yourself down, it's enough with everybody else doing it.
Lastly, try a real challenge. Like, be a garment worker in Bangladesh for a year. If not that, at least go drop yourself in the wilderness without anything but your ingenuity for a couple of weeks. A real challenge always ends up providing perspective on your other problems, and overcoming them is a boost to self esteem.
If you were to "hurt yourself" - commit suicide - then frankly that would be the act of a pussy,....
When all else fails, call names. Misogynist names, if other names don't satisfy.
Two aunts on my dad's occasionally violent side of the family, one with five kids, committed suicide. They didn't know how to lessen the pain they felt.
I considered suicide but I had just entered puberty and was enjoying masturbation too much to give it up.
Ha! In the Catholic schools my dad sent his kids to, I wasn't supposed to do it, let alone enjoy it.
Not wanting to write a memoir, I'll say only that a Germanic workaholism I did not then see because it was a family norm, and a selfish desire for pleasure guided my teens. The Korean War gave me a desire to go to college (the first in the family) and the GI Bill to pay for it. I spent eight years quitting Catholicism and taking courses until I got a four-year degree and a well-paid job I loved.
Ari, do what you feel and think is best for you.
Ari, while in college I knew many math and science students with not-very-good social skills. Curiosity and wanting to learn about the world are more important. I found that curious people are fun to talk with. More fun than people who just party and drink.
You can learn social skills -- in college or later -- by hanging with people who have them, in organizations that are doing things you enjoy. I started learning social skills almost ten years after I graduated.
Tom, I'm sorry for what happened to your aunts. Of course, I've got no right to comment on people in general. I was just advising Ari that he would do better to tough it out. Not that (it turns out) this is a consideration.
Ari and Simon, I'm saddened but not sorry. They wanted to end the pain they felt and knew no other way.
They exercised a right that religions and governments make unlawful.
Ask why religions and governments make suicide unlawful.
If you don't get pissed off, you've been lied into a form of slavery.