I am single by choice. I am only 19 years old, and never have experienced what I would consider to be real love. I have begun to suspect that perhaps maybe I am incapable of love, since I am quite cynical about the whole thing. Just before I turned 18, I met my first best guy friend. It seemed as though fate had interwined us. We were in 5/5 university classes together, in the same major, graduated the same year, and our birthdays were 3 days apart, despite his one year advantage over me for starting school late as a child. I didn't believe much in Horoscopes, but the more we became friends, the more I could see the strange coincedence. He was just like me, but so different at the same time. He had this exuberance about people and he was so confident, and yet, humble at the same time. He didn't ever once admit he thought he was attractive, and yet he was the most attractive guy in my eyes, even though my friends couldn't see it. To me, he was perfect. But I blew it, like an atomic bomb, to put it mildly. And since then, I have never been able to forgive myself for messing up the best guy friendship I've had to this date, and flying off the hinges for love. I really do think I was in love with him. But he was unreachable, you see. He wasn't single. I had an window of opportunity to snag him, and I "wanted to take things slow" which resulted in the misinterpretation of my feelings towards him. The story is a long one, one that I go into pathetic detail on my blog, sugaredparfait.blogspot.com, the 3rd journ writing prompt if anyone is so interested as to read it! But, in losing him, I kind of lost all hope for someone better to come along. I suppose it's because I never got closure, but I don't know if I will ever recieve it. And if I don't, maybe I will die alone, bitter and cynical about love. I don't actually fear being alone. But I fear never knowing if love was worth the pain, suffering and agony of it all, just to feel like someone can endure you for more than a month of overt kissing and pet names. Yeah.. That's right. My longest relationship was a month! I like to blame it on my lack of maturity, and ability to commit, but if it was that one boy, I don't doubt for a second that I could've dedicated my life to him. But it was always the fear that he wouldn't want to dedicate his life to me.
Well, this should be interesting; why am I single, hmm.
Well, it mostly deals with my standards I think. I can't stand being with someone who doesn't take a stand on something. I want to be with a girl who, for example, loves shakespeare, and doesn't care if people think she's a nerd, or one who is an atheist, and is willing to shout that to the stars without feeling ashamed for it. Its amazing how rare truly opinionated people are. Add to that I want a girl who isn't afraid to disagree with me, is willing to pick where we go on a date without saying "you choose", and one who is able to be both feminine and entertainingly tomboyish, I figure I'm on a single track for a while.
I also suffer from the affliction of having an interesting trait that I can't hide. I'm blind, and I'm proud of that. Having a guide dog makes that kinda hard to hide, she's a big lab, she sticks out. Thus, practically any girl I meet focuses either A. soully on the dog, or B. can't actually ask me a question that isn't about my blindness, or C. pities me. I don't mean to sound harsh, so please don't feel like I'm judging, but I can't stand being pitied. Its infuriating, and to deal with it on a nearly constant basis, it starts to make you feel like the rest of your personality doesn't really matter.
A lot of blind people, or any disability, feel like they're just a museum piece. That is to say, you walk up, read the card, talk to the expert, say, "Ooh, isn't that fascinating", and you leave. When was the last time you wanted to sleep with a museum piece? that's right, you never did, those dinosaur bones don't turn you on most likely. You now see my problem.
If a girl can get past all that, she wins a dedicated boyfriend with a great sense of humor. A little too self-aware maybe, but we all have quirks right?
Why am I single...kind of a psychological mind bender. It's got me thinking, not that I hadn't thought about it before. But after reading other people's entries, I REALLY thought about it. I don't buy into hokey crap about soulmates or someone MADE just for little old me. But I do think there's gotta be one person on this damn planet who's brain syncs up with mine. If that makes any sense. I guess it's my atheist proclivities trying to jive with my deeply buried hopeless romantic. I want fireworks and wonderfulness. And I've come close. But I feel like it's the one thing I won't compromise on.
Let's get personal...
* Still searching for your soul mate? I don't believe in soul mates, but I am searching for some that I get along with wonderfully.
* Have you lost in love and still tending your wounds? I don't believe in love (for me)
* Busy life and career, no time to date? Just going to school and working. I don't work nights or weekends so I would have plenty of time for someone
* Broke and lonely too? Yes and yes ):
* Afraid to get too close? Yes
* Can't find an atheist mate? YES. Especially here in Texas. Even people who believe in evolution still associate themselves with religion and belief in a higher power. It doesn't make sense...
* Too shy and introverted? Yes and YES
* Hate the bar scene, but don't know where to meet up with someone? I enjoy going to the
bars with my roommates but guys never talk to me. They talk to my roommates instead so I just stand there and sip on my drink.
* Enjoy 'playing the field' and don't want to settle down? I don't want to play the field too much but I also don't want to settle down. I just want something steady and true.
* I'm too stupid, ugly, and insensitive, so nobody likes me? Pretty much
* Too picky? I don't think a nice guy who loves music as much as me is too much to ask for
* Don't know why I'm still single, I'm a great catch. I'm constantly wondering this...
OH. And also, I'm too smart for a girl. Guys don't want smart girls. This is where I seem to go wrong a lot...which pisses me off. I'm supposed to talk about stupid shit instead of having actual conversations? If I need to dumb myself down to get a guy to notice me, I'd rather stay single forever. Any guys who don't like smart girls can pretty much go fuck themselves.
Ok, let's see what fits. Just about everything, except the one about too stupid, ugly, and insensitive.
I'm also recently divorced. So I'm probably a little "gun-shy" as it were. But I'm a really sweet guy. Just haven't had a great deal of luck in the romance department. Bad choices...we've all made those.
A couple of reasons. One, most of the people I know are religious, secondly I need someone as smart or smarter than me to keep me interested. This may sound arrogant, but honestly, most of the aforementioned people are not exactly the intellectual sort.
Once I turn 18 and start attending Uni however, I may start casually dating.
Reasons why I am still single:
1- Never found an atheist mate;
2- Never found the "right one", or rather, the "special someone".
I've dated and dated and dated, I've been in relationships, I've done the bar scene and the online dating scene.
Still "searching" - albeit without any real intent to finally "find". After all, I'm now nearing my 50's and it has become somewhat too late to not only find that special someone, but furthermore actually have children (I know - biologically for a human male nearing his 50's, sperm is still good. Not so for women in their 40s with regards to their ovaries. Since women under 40 would not/are not interested in men nearing 50's, well .... Also, the economics and actual raising of children becomes seemingly unrealistic upon reaching a "certain age" ...)
Because I'm Boss.
(I'm sorry for posting this, but I just felt the need. This is the first time I have ever talked about this in any detail, and I feel safe on this community. Plus I recently have been reverting back to her, for what ever reason.)
You know, I used to have an awesome girlfriend (Shebly)... I really miss the relationship, and her too. But the comfort of the relationship more (at least I think that is the case).
She was two years older than me and we started going out (I was fourteen, she was sixteen), I think it was, late my ninth grade year. She was a sophomore. She was beautiful. Not to be too perverted, but she had an awesome rack (although I never got around to to them, unfortunately) and ass. She had wide hips and walked with prominent swaying hips. She had a beautiful face. Long, curly, blond hair.
She had her quirks. She brushed her teeth as often as I did, and still do, relatively rarely (not the two a day). She didn't use deodorant very often. She would forget it, most often, or not put it on at all. I didn't mind either. Although it peaked my curiosity. I asked her about it a few times, I think she thought I was being critical of her, and that may have contributed to her decision to end it.
She was borderline Christian, more like a pantheist (as I would call her now, I was in the beginning of my education on religion then (I was an atheist all my life, in case you care)). What she is now, I have no clue. This was not much of a problem for me, but I asked her about it, and why. I don't think she liked that either. :/
She was intelligent, but she didn't use it. She would rather draw pictures of anime wolves than actually learn. She was very social, but she had a hard time getting close to me. I have no clue why.
We actually went out twice. The first time I broke up with her. She had a hard time holding a conversation with me. No doubt it was partly my fault, but even when I tried to engage her in conversation about her day, she would usually say only a few words, and leave me to talk. I had to call her. She would never call me. We (I) would usually talk for an hour. We talked for three hours the first time around. After that, the relationship went downhill. Same thing the second time. I broke up with her in an attempt to get her to talk to me, willingly. She walked up to me, three days after I had stopped talking to her, and asked me if we were still together. I should have said "yes, but I am giving you a taste of your own medicine." Instead I told her no. And we didn't talk for six months. I decided to add her on Facebook later. We talked for a few days, I then asked her if she missed me. She felt the same way I did. We started going out again. We dated for like eight more months afterwards. I decided to confront her about her refusal to talk to me. She decided that to put her tail in between her legs, and end it. She never told me why. I imagine that she either stopped loving me, like I did her, a while back, and only kept going out with me because she felt obligated. Or perhaps she was realizing that this was her last year in high school, and she was thinking that we were going to end it anyways (except I would never have). Other than those I have no clue.
I was probably too obsessive. I got too easily attached, then that led to much disappointment for me. Over a year since we last talked, and I am still suffering from the pain of the relationship. I am still (mildly, compared to what I used to feel) in love with her. I hate myself for it. I am tearing up as I write this because the pain is still there.
To answer the question posed, "why am I still single," there are multiple answers.
I don't want to get attached, and end up like I did with Shelby.
There is no one (that I know of) that think like me. Who like the same things as me. And are atheists (I couldn't go out with a Christian, it would just bug the hell out of me).
Even if there was a girl there that met those standards (there might be one that I know), I am not very interested in ugly girls (not to be mean), but I have a slight standard about that, even if I am not the handsomest guy in the world. I shoot up, not down.
* Still searching for your soul mate? yes
* Have you lost in love and still tending your wounds? still T_T
* Busy life and career, no time to date? Nope
* Broke and lonely too? Broke yes, but I am 17, and have no job, so it isn't unreasonable.
* Afraid to get too close? Slightly
* Can't find an atheist mate? Part of it, not all of it.
* Too shy and introverted? Quite
* Hate the bar scene, but don't know where to meet up with someone? Can't go to bars, yet.
* 'Been there, done that', just what a friend/companion? Not at all, although, I have no friends. Not very friendly, and keep to myself, so I tend to not have friends. I have pushed away all friends I used to have, because they were dumb, and I left their school. They didn't keep in contact. When one of them did try to talk to me (a year fucking later...), I almost told him to fuck off. The sad thing was, they were all Atheists... Which I miss, because they were like minded, but completely caught up in relationships and stupid stuff, rather than anything I liked...
* Enjoy 'playing the field' and don't want to settle down? Ha, I couldn't do that.
* I'm too stupid, ugly, and insensitive, so nobody likes me? Stupid, no. Ugly, maybe. Insensitive, yes (although I have been working on that). And yes, few like me, of those, few are female. OF THOSE, none like me in any way I wish.
* Too picky? Quite
* Don't know why I'm still single, I'm a great catch.... Ha Funny. I might be, but I don't know.
* Other.... See above
Reasons I'm still single:
1) I give of the friend vibe more than the interested vibe...unintentionally.
2) I'm really shy and this comes off as uninterested. Once I'm out of my shell I do a complete 180
3)Haven't found the "right one"
I tried a lot of different methods. I guess I'm just not sure how to approach the situation. I only came close to the right one...in high school. Anything after that was a failed attempt. I dated off and on but nothing to really call a "girlfriend". It sure didn't help that the only ones whom seemed to be interested in me, I was in no way interested in. I am one of those romantics that is always out to please the other person because that's what makes me feel good. I don't mean to be sappy or anything but it's true. There are those guys left. I will keep trying, but I'm not even sure where to look anymore.