Exploring what sexual health really looks like...

So I was in a marriage that was very sexually abusive. Prior to, I've basically been in a string sexually abusive relationships/situations since I was 15 years old. I'm now 32.....I'm trying to heal from this, and understand what healthy sexuality really is.

For over a decade I listened to the "sex should only be between a man and a woman in a marriage relationship...." And yada yada...I believed it with all my heart!!! Now, I am searching and challenging myself to better understand what healthy LOVE, but also, healthy SEX.

I have ventured on to "adult sites" lol, and found that there are "female choice videos" (which seemed safe enough and probably wouldn't depict sexual violence, that is NOT what I'm looking for!!!

I found this British swinger's video....I honestly didn't know what a swinger was! (Yes, you can laugh) so I googled it.

And wikipedia:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

....claims that it's considered a "fringe" lifestyle, but it actually makes couples HAPPIER in their sexual relationships. However there is a risk of STD's AIDS etc so it comes with a price if you start "wife swapping."

I did find it interesting that WW2 pilots entrusted their wives to a man should they not come home, it would be that man's job to tend to their wives physical, emotional, and sexual needs. I think that is pretty cool! A different perspective anyway...

It seems to have emerged now with social networking etc into a lifestyle people choose. So couples have sex in group settings, etc.

So here's my questions:

Does the swinger lifestyle appeal to you? Why or why not? Do you agree with the wiki article that it would increase sexual satisfaction? Do you think the risk of STD's is worth the sexual gratification? I'm wondering if a lot of atheists are swingers. I also wonder about the "jealousy" aspect. It states that jealousy isn't an issue, but REALLY? If some girl was all over my man I would be jealous (personally.) Is that wrong? Is jealousy a character flaw? Oh I have so many questions...

Views: 1056

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

And please no snotty replies, it's hard to be so vulnerable about this subject. After experiencing years of sexual violence I just want to heal from it all and know what else is out there in the world. It's no joke for me.

"After experiencing years of sexual violence I just want to heal from it all " - Can you tell me about the violence? I only brought it up because you did, if it's too personal, you have every right to not answer.

Hey, Belle, it's really impressive that you're looking into alternative sexual expressions and lifestyles. I know how you feel about being vulnerable about this and it shows you have a lot of trust and strength to talk about it anyway! 

I had the same period of sexual exploration in college, after being conditioned to only desire sexual monogamy in the context of marriage. I was emotionally abused in a sexual way...but it wasn't physical. So, from my expereince, I know that it can be a challenge to figure out what is your own organic desire and what is a reaction to your history. I think it's great to learn about "fringe" sexual lifestyles, other sexual orientations, and sexual kinks because it helps you realize how much more there is to human sexuality than our past experiences taught us and than our culture wants us to experience. It can be easy to get ahead of yourself though, like a kid in a candy store. I swear, there are things you cannot unsee...lol! I would recommend checking out some sex positive feminist blogs/websites, just because a lot of the porn I've seen seemed to amplify the power and abuse dynamics I was used to.

As for the swinger lifestyle...I'm not sure if I would like that in a serious relationship. I think it could be thrilling. I'm not that good at sharing though. I imagine I would be willing to try an open relationship (without the group sex parties) as long as there were clear expectations. I wouldn't want to have sex with my partner until they'd been tested for STDs though...I am so paranoid about STDs.

I think jealousy is natural when your partner is with someone else. Maybe the jealousy is part of what makes the sex better?

RE: I think it's great to learn about "fringe" sexual lifestyles, other sexual orientations, and sexual kinks because it helps you realize how much more there is to human sexuality than our past experiences taught us and than our culture wants us to experience.

Yes, I mean for me it's a journey of healing more than anything else. Sexual violence is NOT the norm, and I know there's more out there than that. But I am also a free thinker now and there is no sky daddy saying I "can't" do or try certain things.......things I never DREAMED I would even consider. So I'm looking for "what is healthy sexuality," and it's hard for me to admit that I don't know that. I thought all this time I did know. I didn't even realize my marriage was sexually abusive until after I left, and now I look back at my life for the last 5 years realizing that I deserve so much better.

So I guess I'm wondering what people find to be healthy sexual expression, but I am guessing this is one of those hard subjects to be open and bold about, I get that. But it's worth discussing, I think. I hope :)

Hey Belle, check your messages, my friend.  :-)

It's definitely worth discussing! I think you'll figure out what's right for you with some reflection and experimentation. It's not like it's a set thing either, you're interests and preferences can change as you change.

" I think it's great to learn about "fringe" sexual lifestyles, other sexual orientations, and sexual kinks because it helps you realize how much more there is to human sexuality than our past experiences taught us and than our culture wants us to experience."

Belle, there really are no great truths to be found in between our legs. It's just tingles and highs and thrills and short term pleasures. There is no long term happiness down the path of materialist pleasure maximization.

Your best bet for long term happiness would be to settle for someone who is not very wealthy/powerful/attractive but has a good heart/character and try to make it work. That would be best for you and your son.

So how many good heart/character atheist 'persons' are there?

Many I suppose. Why?

Or...she could take advantage of her single status to find out what she wants in a partner and in bed.

Coming out of an abusive relationship, I don't think there's anything wrong with taking some time to see what you want and need before you get into another long term relationship or, as you would like her to do, "settle." 

" I don't think there's anything wrong with taking some time to see what you want and need" - In a more sane culture, people would understand what they want and need in their spouses by the time they turn 14. Very few people have really learned anything by being promiscuous. The whole idea of sleeping around to 'figure out who you really are' is ridiculous.

For some people it's the right kind of lifestyle.  It's not for me, I like to do it in private without being surrounded by a load of swinging dicks. 

I live next door to some swingers.  They're very sweet people.  The boyfriend of my neighbour though is an abusive bully towards me, he's jealous as hell, for some reason, and I'm going to have to move out as he bothers me all the time for no reason. 

In my experience, people who are into swinging have had a difficult home life.  Their parents broke up in horrible circumstances, and it's left them with some kind of intimacy-void which can only be filled with a lot of sex. 

I know that some people prefer group sex with a circle of trusted friends rather than random strangers at a public party.  My neighbour seems to prefer a mix of trusted friends and new strangers.  Guess what is the subject of the getting-to-know-you conversation?  Me, every time.  It doesn't bother me.  It's kind of amusing.  I must be a very easy-going person. 

I think the world of my neighbour and I would do anything for her as she sticks up for me against her boyfriend.  Forgive the rambling, but hey, it's Christmas morning, and you know, Ballantyne's whisky. 

RSS

Support T|A

Think Atheist is 100% member supported

All proceeds go to keeping Think Atheist online.

Donate with Dogecoin

Members

Forum

Things you hate.

Started by Devlin Cuite in Small Talk. Last reply by Philip Jarrett 24 minutes ago. 172 Replies

Blog Posts

Seeing the man in the child.

Posted by Diane on April 19, 2014 at 9:52am 0 Comments

Videos

  • Add Videos
  • View All

Services we love

We are in love with our Amazon

Book Store!

Gadget Nerd? Check out Giz Gad!

Into life hacks? Check out LabMinions.com

Advertise with ThinkAtheist.com

© 2014   Created by Dan.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service