At the moment, I'm looking for a little extra income, so I'm reading job ads. I'm looking for a good job where I'll be a valued employee and where the pay is fair for the work required. I'm realizing there are some common terms signaling jobs that won't meet those requirements.

Here is some of the commonly-used jargon hinting at why the job is to be avoided.

"Fast-paced environment." Translation: Most people who take this job on are overwhelmed by the volume of work and frequently end up putting in unpaid hours to get caught up and so end up quitting or committing suicide. If they don't go postal first, that is. 

"Team player." Translation: You'll be making coffee or picking up dry cleaning for your superiors and/or you'll be asked to leave your ethics at home when you come to work and/or you'll be asked to pick up the slack for incompetent coworkers.

"Detail-oriented." Translation: The job is complicated and you can expect little help from anyone.

"Self starter." Translation: Expect little in the way of direction, though you can still expect criticism if your decisions differ from what theirs would be.

"Flexible." Translation: They need some patsy who's willing to work any shift and on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve/Day, and New Years Eve/Day.

Did I leave any out?

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"energetic" - must be under 25 years old and willing to work for very low pay

Good one.

I like to work in an environment that synergistically allows me to deliver deliverables in a manner that allows the core cohesive client-centric competencies and imperatives of the company to be reached in a cost effective and economically sound fashion that leverages the potential markets long-term high-impact low-risk high-yield towards attaining realistic mission critical incentivized goals. I can start on Monday.

Here's your letter rejecting the rejection, Reg - just twiddle with the names and you'll be all set :)

Good luck in your new career as door greeter at WalMart. :)

If we were playing buzz word bingo, I would have a cover all with your reply Reg.

Marc (retired bingo caller, recovered gambler)
BTW you don't deliver your deliverables, you implement them.

Yes - I call it Bulls**t Bingo. I play it in meetings with potential clients. The lower the score the more chance we might work together.

Must be nice to choose which clients you decide to work with. By the time I get involved in the process the potential has already been converted to kinetic, and has been delivered to me. Kinetically speaking, I have to deal primarily with idiots.

"Productivity-based compensation." Translation: The product is shit and doesn't exactly sell itself. Expect weekly sales meetings (unpaid) where the Sales Manager will do his best to make you feel incompetent unless you can improve your sales numbers by 15% each week.

"Duties will vary." Translation: Your job is to do whatever no one else wants to do.

Sadly, there is a career to be made out of doing the grunt work shit that no one wants to do.

If I were to update my resume this month I would try to somehow wordsmith it in there that I am the guy who will do the boring, tedious, unrecognized, required shit that none of your shallow, one dimensional corporate masturbatory, hardbody, teeth-whitened, 6-o'clock news worthy, cranially vacuous, knighted for upward mobility bubble heads are willing to do, and therefore I will never be unemployed.

Was I too harsh?

"Competitive pay."  Minimum wage!


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