I was a closet atheist for about two or three years, and even now it feels fresh and rejuvenating to me. But that last hoop to jump through has been something of a miserable challenge. On one hand, it's really simple to just accept immortality to be an utter falsehood. On the other, we cling onto our consciousness and despair that we won't always have it. As Paul Kurtz of the Center for Inquiry says - "Live your life exuberantly. Don't bemoan your fate!" To me that's the best way to roll. It might be a little dismal, but it's true. And thank goodness it's true!
i understand where you're coming from. i just deconverted myself. but this is how i see it. even if heaven was real, i shouldnt have to bow down and worship some dude. heaven is supposed to be gold. why do we need gold if were dead? i have no need to go to heaven. my idea of a heaven isn't bowing down and worshipping some dude for eternity.
i actually didnt have that hard of a time deconverting. it was dealing with christians. do research about christianity, the orgins of christianity, look up the gay dude king james 1 that wrote kjv bible, after my eyes were open, i just accepted it.
feel free to look at/ join my group i have links that you might be interested in reading.