I'm rather certain this has been asked before and I merely couldn't find the discussion.
Without getting into too much background, I'm a newlywed. The husband and I have one of those stories that are either sweet or foolish and filled with more love than logic. Either way, he's always been a stalwart Lutheran and I've always been an immovable atheist. This all worked out fine partially because he had massive issues with the church itself and thus never went.
He's recently started going.
I tried to explain to him, before we started dating, while we were engaged and before we married (including the day of our marriage itself) that religion is more of a polarizing factor in a relationship than he realizes. I've been an atheist in Texas the entire time I've been an atheist. I've lost friends because of it, had my vehicle vandalized and have a few members of my family that aren't speaking to me. All these people, while they may not have been "good Christians" considered themselves "good Christians". Religion was one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work.
I'm more than a little concerned about the future of the marriage and don't quite know how to dig up the old corpses of ignored arguments. I'm rather certain approaching him and voicing my concerns will get his attention but he gets so **** vehement about his religion that it's almost like talking to a different person. I'm also rather certain that I could, with enough expression of my fears that his religion would drive a wedge between us, could get him to cease going to church entirely but his delusions give him nearly as much comfort as they give me fear and I don't want to be that person.
Any advice? Besides "leave while it's an annulment and not a divorce."?
I'd also appreciate advice for how to say, "I think it's great that you've decided you want children after we initially bonded over the fact that neither of us want kids and I'd be more than willing to give you children but this uterus only makes atheists and I don't want to argue with you for 18 years." but that can be put off for several more years.
Hey Juli, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough situation. Few people can prioritize anything over their world view, even something as important as marriage. This is likely the biggest unintended conflict that can arise in a relationship between two people. I know from reading your post that you do not want a divorce and are willing to fight for your relationship with your husband to continue, and I absolutely applaud you. Continue to love on your husband and do everything in your power to make it work. I can guarantee that he values his marriage to you very much. My honest advice, which you don't have to take, would be to compromise with his religion.. By this I don't mean to convert or try to make him think you have converted. Be honest with him, but don't be so obstinately objective to everything that is religion. Go to church with him, not to get his hopes up, but to learn where he is coming from. maybe try to compromise with going to both a christian and a non-christian marriage counselor... obviously he is going to suggest a christian counselor if the topic comes up, but I don't think being obstinate about it is going move your relationship in a positive direction. Anyway, I wish the best for both of you. :)
I would consider it half a battle won if he would realize that religion is going to be a conflict at some point in our marriage. So far he's just ignoring any religious based conflict (which isn't good since the child talks started), insisting he's right and ignoring anyone that doesn't believe his methodology will work. Upside to this is that he's ignoring the few Christian friends who know I'm an atheist when they tell him to end things. Downside is that it's really hard to communicate anything about atheism because the root of my belief is in direct opposition to the root of his.
Loving him is easy. Planning the future is hard. I will consider going to church with him though. I pretty much told him flat out while we were dating that I would not be entering a church on his behalf so he hasn't asked.
The child will be a HUGE religious conflict.
An atheist will deal with it in their own way. Like I had to.
Go for living your life to the fullest juli
You have much to discuss my girl.