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Permalink Reply by Anne Chenier on August 2, 2010 at 1:32am

Nobody knows what happens when you die, but we know one thing... That the only things you take to your grave are your memories and relationships with others, so remember what is truly important in life and you won't fear death when it comes. Maybe a bit abstract to tell your little one (: But it's worth a shot. I hope her mind is free of worries soon! I was always a little worry-wort when I was little. <3

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Permalink Reply by luvtheheaven on August 2, 2010 at 1:37am

You keep spelling "afraid" incorrectly and since it's a repeated mistake and not just a typo I thought I'd let you know. ;)

You can just tell her that when you die that's it so you better enjoy your life, but you can live on in other people's memories and through your accomplishments and if you help to make a difference in the world in some way that will last even after you're gone... if she has kids then that'll be a way she sort of lives on, through them, etc.

But yeah it's kind of odd that she's so worried at such a young age, I mean unless someone has died recently to make her think of death... but it happens. Whatever you're already saying to her is fine I'm sure. :D

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Permalink Reply by Jean Teneglio on August 2, 2010 at 9:35pm

Thanks for correcting me :-) I'll take note.

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Permalink Reply by Galen on August 2, 2010 at 8:19am

Not sure why people always think it's abnormal for a kid her age to ask such questions and wonder about such things. It's perfectly normal and part of the development of a functioning and healthy psyche. Kids eventually realize their own mortality. I doubt that she's actually been sitting there dreading death for 2 years. It's more likely that this is something she's thought about, off and on, since she was 8. She's probably just expressing the very common and very human feeling of "I'm afraid of the unknown" after realizing that she's going to die and that she doesn't know anything about that.

I wouldn't worry too much. She sounds like an intelligent and inquisitive young lady who is just expressing the same fears and curiosities as everyone else. :)

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Permalink Reply by Radu Andreiu on August 2, 2010 at 9:14am

Well put, Galen. I was in that situation too, when I was a child. I was asking adults all kinds of questions about death and the afterlife, but nothing scared me more than the Christian view of the afterlife. I mean, I grew up in a quite irreligious family, so the thought that I could go to Hell because I didn't go to church and prayed to the Christian god really scared me.

I think parents should expose their children to many beliefs about what happens after death. That way, they will understand that most beliefs are wrong and shouldn't worry them. Also, I would tell my hypothetical children that, in life, many problems will occur that don't have an immediate and simple answer and they should be analyzed thoroughly before reaching a conclusion. When it comes to important existential questions, people struggle to find the right answers their entire life.

So, I think that we should teach children not by giving them absolute answers like "You'll go to Heaven", or "An eternity of nothingness awaits you after death", but by presenting them options and telling them how important it is not to jump to conclusions too early, because more often than not you'll be wrong. Furthermore, if you give your children definite answers, there is the possibility that they'll accept them without thinking them through, in which case they won't learn to use reason and generally think on their own. Also, I think people know, subconsciously, that accepted answers are probably wrong and that's why they need constant reassurance, like Mass and prayer meetings.

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Permalink Reply by Michael R on August 2, 2010 at 10:04am

You stated that she is not afraid of death but of dying. This doesn't seem to match up with what you state later "...we don't know what really happen after you die...". Did you mean to state that she is not afraid of dying but of death? This statement would be one that I would expect to hear from a someone that is concerned about what happens after they die. Since you are an atheist then let your daughter know what you think happens, and show that there is nothing to be afraid of. This can also be an excellent teaching moment about what religions propose (pick a few)...and what you think of those beliefs.

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Permalink Reply by Rose Trinh on August 2, 2010 at 10:31am

There are quite a few topics that are really difficult to talk to about to your little ones. How do you explain such an abstract thing such as death or dying without frightening them further? Most people are in fact, afraid of death or what it takes to be there and how would you go about consoling them about it?

I think we take children's grasp of understanding for granted but I think you handled the situation quite well telling her that no one knows what happens after they die. Dying isn't what matters but the journey it takes to get there - whether or not you fill your life with awesome people and tasty food.

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Permalink Reply by Chelsea Sherman on August 2, 2010 at 12:00pm

I might tell her that you die you become a part of everything.
I don't really understand what you said though. Is she afraid of what happens after you die or is she afraid of actually dieing and like, how she'll die and when?

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Permalink Reply by Jean Teneglio on August 12, 2010 at 11:26am

I think it is more a fear of the unknown... more than the actual action of dying.

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Permalink Reply by Profound_Raincloud on August 2, 2010 at 1:01pm

When I was a child I was very afraid of this. Not of what would happen after I die. But the actual act of dying. Would I die when I slept, Be shot, be tortured, stabbed, would there be a war? I was horribly afraid of these things.

I know adults would say to me oh you don't have to be afraid you will go to heaven........They didn't understand I was afraid of dying and not the actual afterlife. I had my doubts about there heaven......But wasn't too worried about the afterlife.

Maybe dig deeper and ask if she is afraid of the afterlife or is afraid of the act of dying and how it may happen, this can be scary to everyone even atheists.

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Permalink Reply by Jean Teneglio on August 2, 2010 at 9:47pm

Thank you all for your answers and comment. This is all very interesting. I forgot to tell you that we lived in Massachusetts for the last 8 years, we are originally from Montréal, Québec, so we have no family here in the states and our first language is French :-) . All that to say that we don't know a lot of people here BUT I remembered something today, is that one neighbor that my wife and daughter was visiting pretty often died a couple of years ago, I’ll have to ask my daughter if that is what triggered her questioning. I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks again, this is very good, I don’t feel so bad now that I don’t have answers for her , but I guess I can only guide her and help her to the best of my knowledge and ability.

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Permalink Reply by M on August 4, 2010 at 5:45pm

I had an unexplained fear that I would die suddenly at that age, too. I have no clue why. I didn't have a weird or abusive childhood. I wasn't part of a church scaring me with hellfire. I just had this fear that if I went to bed at night I might not wake up in the morning. I grew out of it. I wonder if psychologically children really grasp at a new level what death is around that age? Someone more educated in pscyhology (Skycomet?) may be able to tell you.

I do know that it's always good to recognize and validate people's feelings rather than just say, "You'll live a long time! Don't worry about it!" Tell her, perhaps, that lots of people-- even adults-- are scared of dying and that it's normal to feel that way. Then remind her that she is healthy and well taken care of and loved to let her know that for all intents and purposes, she's set for a nice long life!

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