I was raised in a high concentration of Christianity. After living away from that for a few years, it randomly occurred to me how utterly riduclous some religious phrases are.

Christian: "Are you SAVED?"
Me: "Holy fuck! From what? Is there some inoculation I should know about? Did we find a cure for cancer? HIV?"

Christian "I'm born-again"
Me: "Once wasn't enough for you, eh? Going back for seconds. I'm surprised you'll fit. You've grown since the last time."

Christian: "Have you found Jesus?"
Me: "Yes. He was hiding behind the couch the entire time. That rascal..."

Christian: "I'm filled with the spirit!"
Me: "So that's what they're calling it these days!"

The list could go on and on. Add your own! (Of any faith)

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C: "I've been touched by the Holy Spirit"
A: "Show me on the doll where the Spirit touched you..."

C: "You must be washed clean of sin"
A: "Why, did I get some on me? Does it stain?"
"God/Jesus is in all things."
Me: Get him out of your daughter!

"Prepare for the Second Coming!"
Me: Will this involve guns and flamethrowers? If so, sign me up!

"God spoke to me..."
Me: ...in bed!

"Drink the blood and eat the flesh"
Me: *vomits*

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Posted by ɐuɐz ǝllǝıuɐp on July 28, 2014 at 10:27pm 4 Comments

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