So long story short I had to give my boys up for adoption. Their adoptive mother is a relatively sane christian. She and I over two years have been trying to figure out how to get children back into my care. At moment we have settled on blending households. Here is my conundrum how to deal with Hi i'm and atheist and you're a christian. Wrong move could cost me my sons again  Yet don't have an overwhelming urge to find my self in church either. She supports freedom or choice and evolution so not a do this or die type. So any suggestions? 

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Well, I understand all too well. My brother and I are both diagnosed Aspies, and thankfully I have been able to grow beyond many of my issues regarding it, even thriving. My own daughter is high-function autistic. I am VERY well versed on these issues.

Angela empathizes very well, often more than I would in cases dealing with other folks. I can note that one interesting trait in many cases of Aspergers is that there is an exception to this rule for some folks... namely that the effect is reversed in regards to one's children. I myself am that way, and had a huge difficulty for the first year of my own child's life. Not due to trouble empathizing / emotionalizing in regards to her, but due to an excessive level. Literally, I spent months thinking everything in the world was trying to hurt her... a very instinctive response. Thankfully, it is now well tempered, but anyone who knows me and my daughter closely understand not to mess with my kid, and can well relate that my daughter feels very close to me.

Angela has, as a part of her time coming to grips with her past, mentioned that she initially had issues bonding to one of the children when they were an infant. She noted a specific point at about 3-4 months of age when her bond finally took, and the stark slap in the face it was for her. That same recognition I feel is a good example of her coming to terms with the type of attention needed.


Because angela has come from a past of severe neglect or abuse and abandonment - she has never learned to care for herself - she neglects herself in the same way that she was neglected. She will abandon herself the way she was abandoned and she will automaticall go into FLIGHT... its a vicious cycle.

The first thing in caring about yourself is to be aware of your feelings - people with low empathy cant do that - so they discharge all over the place. Its really locked in fright which is the PTSD


She used to, and there is always a chance... but note that this is only now being brought up after several years of stability and a slow progression of changes. Also, we are not talking of removing the adoptive family from the picture (far from it!), but instead the weaving of a stronger support structure for both the kids and Angela herself.

Unfortunately, that same constant niggle in the back of her mind means we need to address issues before they smack in the face, as opposed to "don't worry about it, seems minor"... Not being prepared for potential fallout of things that worry her mean only that she continues to worry. If we can get a good list of things to prepare for, even if it's just a list of topics to directly and bluntly bring up with the Adoptive mother, that could help prevent 99% of those same issues.

Like the 2 I mentioned elsewhere about sin and hell... I intend on discussing that aspect directly with her. It's not HER I am worried about teaching those aspects of the religion to the kids... it's the associated people and community that is NOT aware of our views.

Sounds more like the horoscope for Sagittarius than anything else.  

My wife came from a past of severe abuse (funnily enough not dissimilar to Angela Kozma's, as we discovered), and I call BS on that entire paragraph.

Locked in fright?  Did you actually get any psychiatric qualifications?


Ahh Strega - my stalker.

Strega you do know about the Freeze Flight Fight response to stress dont you?

Did you know that there is a forth response to that sequence?

Its Fright.

If a person is either too old or too young or injured and they are not able to apply any of the first three responses - they go into Fright or the Immobility.

You seem hellbent on popping up to berate or correct me whenever you think youve found me in error -

are you having fun with that?


Can you do me one for Gemini?

You know angela until you decided to be a sarcastic pain on this thread. i was maintaining civilized behavior. I'm not good at civilized that's Tony's forte. You may wish to disengage your very directed rudeness to strega. As she i find capable of erudite discussion. At this juncture you are proving to be less than capable of such. If you would be so kind as to please no longer comment here as your word are decidedly unwelcome and henceforth any statement you make will be deleted.

Well Strega, it's BS to call BS on someone's honest experience, in my opinion. 

@angela Yes i come from a dark past. I am far from personal neglect of self. I chose carefully those people allowed into my life. Flight not really a thought. I have moments of doubt and worry. I also happen to be lucky in friends i have chosen as well as relationship i'm in that i discuss issues and look at other viewpoints. My sons father i stayed with for 9 years. Because i believed that was what was best for my sons. Inspite of him refusing to grow up. I tend to fight more than run for things i care about. As to trauma from abuse. funny thing that . It makes me a damned good artist. 


" As to trauma from abuse. funny thing that . It makes me a damned good artist."

It often does - some of my all time favorite female artists have BPD. Big Talent : )

Have you been in therapy angela?

I havent read back if this has already been mentioned. I'll read back later on.


Oh - that would be a pleasure - I absolutely will keep out. 

I won't avoid the elephant in the room.

You cannot announce that you have had your children removed from your care, that you have BPD and then at exactly the same time try to paint a picture of yourself as being stable.

Its an Oxymoron



@angela kozma: I just want to offer you some words of encouragement. I know nothing of borderline personality, but I'm a good friend to PTSD and also abusive relationships. I'm still working through it but I can tell you something that has always helped me. "I'm always OK." It's a saying that me and my best friend always matter what happens, no matter what dark memories play in your mind, no matter how low you feel or how bad the nightmares, and no matter how lonely and hopeless it feels, remember, "you're ok." It is a powerful phrase I think because it allows you to be less than "good," but better than "horrible." It's a middleground where you can allow yourself to feel anything without judgment on yourself or feeling like you have to be a certain way. It allows you to fight and claw through the mess and not get overwhelmed with fear...there is some of that too but ultimately it's about staying "present" with yourself so that you have the strength to endure anything...friend me and we can swap war stories if you wish, but just know you're not alone.


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