By Eddie Miles
Evolutionary theory suffered a major setback today as it was announced that Satan, former fallen angel and current head of the U.S. Geological Survey, is under investigation for ethics charges. Last week, a major news network brought to the attention of the U.S. Government a leaked email from Satan to his long-time administrative assistant detailing his trip to an archeological site in Germany, during which he had intentionally buried fossils of dinosaurs and rodents at a depth that would make the earth seem much older than it actually is. In the email, Satan not only bragged about his attempt to misguide scientists but even attached photographs of himself at the site, placing the fossils into the ground.
When interviewed about the discovery, Satan admitted to sending the email but denied any wrongdoing. “That email was supposed to be between myself and my assistant,” he said. “These righteous followers of god are just trying to discredit the sciences.”
Satan is scheduled for a hearing in front of the Senate Ethics Committee on January 24th. If he is found to be guilty, not only might he be forced to resign, but his conviction might also call into question the validity of other fossil finds and possibly even the entire science of evolutionary biology.
Evolutionary Biologist and friend of Satan, Richard Dawkins, is sure that Satan is innocent and “should be cleared of any and all charges immediately.” He claims that Satan “…is a man of integrity and would never even consider fixing the data.”
Bestselling author and Abraham Lincoln lookalike, Ken Ham, believes otherwise. “We’ll see on January 24th just what this scoundrel has been up to.” He adds, “This guy’s been going around paying people with money, booze, drugs, and prostitutes to get them to turn from god and now… now, we finally have the means to get him in prison.”
If convicted, this could mean the end of Satan’s career and the loss of trust from the American people in the scientific community. A trust that it might take years to regain.