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Permalink Reply by Kris Feenstra on January 15, 2012 at 5:04pm

1) I find that this only gives the misunderstandings of atheists more power (the more we avoid the label the more we are saying that it is a bad thing that we won't touch with a 10 foot stick)

I agree with you, but, push come to shove, this is something personal.  When it comes to personal philosophy and labels, we have to account to ourselves first and foremost.  Has he disclosed the actual reasons he dislikes identifying as an atheist?  Reasons can vary.  I have always been an atheist, myself, but there was a period of time in my life where I dropped the word 'atheist' for the most part.  I was just tired of being pigeonholed all the time.  Perhaps your boyfriend has reasons you haven't yet considered.

 2) In our conversations, I see him acting out of fear for perceived consequences that may or may not be real,

As in backlash for being openly atheist?  I suppose you can lead by example here, but it's hard to force someone out of their shell when they are convinced that they won't be accepted for something.  Atheism is really common where I live, so admittedly, I have a bit of a hard time understanding this one with any depth.

3) I will admit that, even though it might be silly, I feel a little hurt that he treats a label that I embrace with such passionate mistrust.

I don't think it is silly, but that doesn't mean that it's correct either.  Have you asked him directly how he feels about you openly identifying as an atheist?  His feelings on how he identifies himself with the term and how he identifies the term in connection with your atheism may be two entirely different things.  If he says he respects your atheism, you'd probably just have to take his word at face value.

So the question is, do I continue to broach the topic or do I let it be?

Ultimately, it's his business how he self-identifies.  As long as he respects your views and your atheism, he shouldn't be expected to adopt a term that doesn't resonate with him.  I can see why you might want to continue the dialogue for at least two reasons. i) You're in a relationship with him, so connecting on these issues is quite possibly important.  ii) If you're concerned that he's simply avoiding the stigma associated with the term, then perhaps you want to help.  Perhaps I'm completely off the mark with both of those.  My point is only that I don't think it's wrong to want to pursue the topic, but at the end of the day, I don't think we're the ones to ask.  Have you asked him directly if it bothers him?  And if it does, have you asked him why the conversation bothers him?  If it does, I'd wager that this is one of those personal boundaries that you'd just have to respect.  If the conversation continues, it has to be on the terms that work for him.

Obviously that's all just opinion.  My understanding of the situation is incomplete.  Grain of salt and all. 

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Permalink Reply by Colleen on January 15, 2012 at 9:20pm

Absolutely good insight and great advice.  Thank you!  Ultimately he and I communicate well, it just sometimes takes us a bit of time to get to the core of the issue.  We revisited the topic today, and he admitted that the decision is most likely out of fear and that he doesn't like it but he's just not where I'm at yet - and that I can completely accept and respect.

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Permalink Reply by Sarah Nessel on January 16, 2012 at 10:23pm

Colleen, has your boyfriend seen the presentation that American Atheists President David Silverman gave a couple of months ago at Skepticon? He directly and eloquently addresses why atheists should not shy from the label. It's at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiPR74AiGdU

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Permalink Reply by Colleen on February 4, 2012 at 3:46am

Great video, thanks!  He makes some very cogent arguments (which I of course loved), but I don't know that he did a good enough job addressing the issue of fear.  Someone who is fearful of how others will react to the label may just turn a deaf ear to the "you're making us look small" argument.

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