Atheist slogans to ward off door to door christians.

Hi everyone,

    I have always thought about putting a slogan or quote on my front door to try and ward off the door to door Christians. Just wondering if anyone has any good ones that will make atheists laugh but religious people slightly offended or uncomfortable?

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The Jehovah Witnesses and various Evangelical cults call to my area on a regular basis. Unless I am very busy I will always invite them in. One local JW – I call him the ringleader – often calls with a new recruit to show them what a “real atheist” looks like :-). It has gotten to the stage where he has his sights sets on saving me, not so much for Jesus, but as a medal for himself. I almost have sympathy for him at this stage (5 years calling with over 21 “recruits”) because he is getting so frustrated. I have managed to “rescue” 6 of those recruits before they got too deluded and he will pass this off by claiming they were never “real” Christians.

He has come close to saying that he would not know how to live his life without God because everyone he knows believes as he does and I can see the confusion flash over his face at times when I focus on the doubt that he inadvertently lets slip. He tries to save me from the devil and maybe I try to save him from God! I think it has almost become a battles of wills but I am going nowhere……

Anyway it gets funny at times. Often those that call for the first time are really happy to be invited in and be offered refreshments. Then 2 hours later they are looking at each other wondering how they can get (the hell) out of here. They never expect to be asked so many (Socratic) questions and will always except my invite to return next week with their 5 main beliefs about God written on a single sheet with the reasons they believe each point to be the Truth………….but only if your faith is strong enough :-)

Just an observation – I often tell Christians that the JW’s called at the weekend. Usually they react with derision and say things like “oh, I would never even open the door” or “why don’t you run them because they are a cult”. I reply by saying that I respect them for being true to their faith and that we have great discussions about the Bible that your average run of the mill Christian cannot because they seldom, if ever study it. Then I ask "Don’t you agree"?


A good time for this thread...four Witnesses just left my front door.  I live in a pleasant neighborhood with lots of trees and I suspect they enjoy walking here.

I don't usually answer the door but, on nice days like this one, the door is open/screen latched.  "Are you Witnesses," I ask?  They usually beam.  

Then...I say..."Well, I have a question.  What IS it, exactly, which gives you the right to disturb my precious privacy with your religious dogma?"  

Then, I slam the door.  It's fun to watch them shuffle off.....

"We shoot every third Proselytizer and the second one just left"

I don't really care if they knock or not.  I don't have to answer. 

Depending on my mood, I might not answer, answer and dismiss them politely, or, if they are insistent, seem particularly concerned with saving me when I am otherwise in the mood for entertainment...I might let them take a shot.

I tend to, in these rare instances, first ask if they truly want to discuss their beliefs, or if they just want to lecture....and if they say discuss (They always do)...its on.

I then make them explain what they believe.  I then start dissecting what they said, historical and scientific reasons for the discrepancies, answers to the pascal wager that comes up 100% of the time, and so forth.

I find its better that I don't mention that I'm an atheist.  That tends to just register as "His arguments are invalid, he's an atheist".

Instead, I stick to what they say, and, my response...relentlessly. 

Eventually, they are exhausted and cannot beat their heads against the wall any longer, and say they'll be back with what always sounds like "some one who apparently has special training in answering hard questions".

Sometimes they DO...and, its typically the same except the guy has more pat answers at the ready, all of which are always  invalid, but he has more of them than the first wave did.

They never seem to skip the same initial questions/lines of "reasoning" through, even though it would seem prudent to know the first group's content before showing up...maybe they think they said "but what if you're wrong?" without as knowing a smile as they have?

I add it all up, and, like a moneyball batter, I see it as myself using up enough time to prevent these guys from having pitches left for the rest of the neighborhood...ruining too many OTHER more time wasted with me = less time to hurt others.

I do have to be in the mood though.

I would not have an atheist sign on my door though.  I have friends and family I have an understanding with, and as theists feel attacked, due to their hard-wiring, they can't help it...if they see signs like that...I cut them a break.

Me having an atheist sign out front would be about as obnoxious as the sales people who make a POINT of stressing the christ in christmas when saying merry christmas to none christians.


I can't let them persist as I sleep during the day.  They ignore the, "Do Not Knock" signs as they have special dispensation from God Almighty to override my wishes.

I resisted the urge to put up the, "No Christians Allowed" sign, and, despite my temptation, have not put up a very truthful sign saying, "Christianity is Fascism".

That said, if they choose to ignore my, "Religious callers leave now" sign, I'll be calling the police.  I need to be able to sleep undisturbed, and will not trade sleep for a religious argument, much as I'd like to dismantle their joke of a religion.

What are the odds of them converting a vampire anyway?

I mean, come on now.


Sure they do. They turn into the blood-sucking leeches that preach in the evangelist churches.


Good Point!

I have to complain, on behalf of my clients, the blood sucking leeches, as to your smearing of their charactor by comparing them to evangelical preachers.

That is a low blow, and if not for how they view sucking, they would say it sucked....but that's a compliment in their world.

Was trying to look up interesting phrases online and found this guide to dealing with Jehova Witnesses...which, at least for the first totally helarious.

I've tried most of those, including phoning the kingdom hall.  Their pastor (or whatever they call them) told me that all I had to do was send them a letter & they'd stop bugging me.

Then they sent me a personally addressed letter, saying they'd got my address from the phone book.  They didn't - I don't have a landline, so I'm not in the phone book, and when I did have a landline, it was a silent number & I had a different name.

So I sent them a nasty email.

They were still coming to the door. No-one has defied the, "Religious Callers Leave Now" notice yet, but I'm sure they will eventually - then the police will be called and charges will be laid.


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